Chionophobia #5 /P

Removed.

I feel like I'm reading some kind of manual crammed into a story. Or that I should have read a manual before hand.

“How can they can assume these maps actually exist?”

Typo or added "can"?

Again, dialog tags would be a wee bit helpful. I get so lost.

Jonathon couldn’t help but to laugh as well.

remove 'to'

Each part seems really unconnected to the other parts....I'm not sure if thats good, or not, and if its intended, or not. But I'll be looking forward to more, I can say that! If this was a book, each piece after the preceding one, I'd be confused, because they have no flow or continuation or link at all. Different times, different happenings. Ah, what do I care, I'm too tired to explain in proper thought anyway.

But you should certainly fix the smart-ness in the beginning. I want to laugh, not get a brain cramp while thinking.

After reading two examples (the latter from Snoink's FREAK, of which I'm aware you're a fan), pick which one makes the most sense or is the most comprehensible...

CHOICE A

Professor Hess cleared his throat and looked at his shoes, obviously not given advance warning that he was going to speak about his procedures [he was the type of man that needed several stacks of note cards to get him through half of a lecture].

“I thought that if brain waves could be applied like sound waves from one source to another- sort of like how a radio works- it could intercept the waves already existing in Ferdinand’s brain, but being transmitted from A_O instead of a human source. Naturally, he had to resort to a person who- revealed through tests- had the sort of brain that would transmit the waves at a higher pitch than A_O’s, blocking the messages and eventually setting up a permanent system to counteract such things.”

CHOICE B

"Don't you know? Cirrhosis means his liver isn't functional anymore. He'll die soon.”

She paled. “What!"

I certainly hope you picked the FREAK example, Choice B- Choice A, from my NaNoWriMo project, was...er...made up by the doctor on the spot to pretty much hide himself from blame for conducting illegal experiments.

Like Claude said, there's a lot of 'smartness' at the beginning, meaning: we have no idea what they're talking about. Kyle and Johnathan talk about whatever it is with a lot of zeal, though, so it's got to be pretty interesting.

Maybe this would be a *cough cough* good opportunity for a *cough cough* LEARNING EXPERIENCE for your readers?

Surely, you don't have to simplify it down to a Choice B- all of that doctor jargon is lots of fun to sift through. But you've really got to provide your readers with a few examples to comprehend what they're hearing. Know how little kids usually learn to read from picture books? That's mainly because the pictures are simpler to understand, and they help the kids comprehend what they're reading.

So! Write us a picture book. You did that with the symmetry thing- show us how the primary visual cortex works, or how it's supposed to work, and you won't lose your readers. If nothing else, it'll bring them farther into the world of Johnathan and Kyle.

I felt like I just read a textbook.

Ok. Dialogue feels really stiff -- is this how people you know talk?


Kyle put his drink down. “Really? Wow, what happened?”
I'm picking on this line because I just shot a movie for englishh (very eleborate movie, actually), and I had two lines like this. It was the weirdest sentence ever! And I had to say it, 'cause otherwise the line was just too short... anyway! I would have left it at "Really?" personally.

I'd like to second Sam's suggestion, too. Please pleaes please! A bit easier to understand? I feel like House is talking to himself, not telling his subordinates how lame they are, and then explaining away. Maybe a bit over-the-top for an example, but as the resident House, I think you understand what I mean.

This was brilliant! Personally as a writer, I've learned( from professional advice) that spelling errors aren't as important as getting your story, setting, characters, etc. in order which is what you did. Not only that, but you also showed brains which is great. You showed that you had background infomation and did your research. And also, you put it into interesting and intruiging dialog. I couldn't stop reading! Great job.