Child

I know of Cantos, but is there any word for smaller devisions like these? I figured the second was too unlike the first for them to be the same thing.

Child

Small and not five feet, she stands with hands
Against her hips, unaware of my plans.

Her plump legs flash under a too short skirt,
A childish navel, under a shirt.

She leans over; grant me a peek of skin!
And again I feel the compulsion to sin.

Why does my ladylike child glare at me?
Does not she know I am on hand and knee?

Oh, my grown beauty trapped in a young form!
Pressed on me, your lips, legs, and skin are warm.

----------

Will I be allowed to embrace you while
You shake in ecstasy? It makes me smile

When I think of me kissing your hipbone
And caressing your thigh, I hear you moan.

Darling, may I have you for the first time?
No other man should take you from your prime.

I have your body; new blood starts to stain
The sheets and I am guilty of your pain.

Forgive me; I have broken your chaste soul
And yet you remind, “Was that not your goal?”

Oh, how creepy! This is very strong. The rhyme doesn't make it sound childish or silly; it seems to make it even creepier.

Her plump legs hid under a too short skirt
And childish navel, under a shirt.

If the skirt is too short, how does it hide her legs?
It would sound better to say "A childish navel".

She likes to lean provocatively while
I lust after her with a dirty smile.

I really don't know what to make of this stanza. Provocatively? It's just not working there. I'd also suggest replacing "dirty" with something else.

Why does my ladylike child look at me*
Like that? She knows I am on hand and knee.

The rhyme really isn't brought out here. I'm not sure how you'd want this rephrased, but I think it needs to be. I don't have a problem with the phrase "ladylike child", though. It's interesting.

The rhythm isn't the best, but overall, well done! It's different.

Colleen

Wow... I'll second cadmium, Clau! Creepy. In a good way, of course. This is very Lolita-esque, and generally it flows quite well (though I might replace "never" with "not" in the first line), but I think it's a little too little, if you know what I mean. I feel like you're telling a story (and your modus operandi just happens to be verse), but not fleshing it out quite enough. At the moment it's all description with little hints of the narrator's lust. We never see into the girl's mind, though, which with the situation you've set up has the potential to be even more interesting than that of the narrator.

Cleaned up as requested! Merci Beaucoup for the nice edits made It might be lengthened later, but for now I'll leave it as is. I'm much too tired to write another ten lines.

Yes a creepy yet wonderfully written poem.

I second Fand - it may be good to go into the narrator at some point.

This poem gives a nice effect, as many others have said: Though it has an innocent title, it has this feeling about it...very good, Clau.

The one line that bugs me is the same line that bugs you, though. It just seems...awkward? I'm sorry I can't be more helpful--I rarely, if ever, crit poetry. But this is good, so I thought I'd make sure you know I like it.

*Shivers Mentally*
*Shivers Physically*
Can't say anything else aside from the fact this is some "loofa" upped creepiness...

I didn't mind the short simple wording though, it worked for this....

But it was still scary.... (O_O)

From reading the critiques, I like the edits you've made. Overall, pretty creepy, but interesting at the same time. It might be cool to give more specific information about the situation at hand, but as it is the vagueness works well too. Thanks for the read!

Well I guess I'm happy I creeped everyone out...That seems to be the overall impression.

Thanks for the critiques! I'm going to work on giving it another ten lines and fixing up the lines that already need some work, Maybe I can really pump something good out of it.

actualy a pretty good poem! =]
but i have no clue what the whole idea was bout? and also i thought you cud have writtin a teeny bit more to complete it..
hope this helped! =]

I wrote ten more lines. Now how is it?

Im loving the couplet structure, it makes it feel fluffy but the content is spooky - quite a juxtaposition.

I love this. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. Very personal.

Merci.

I'm only hoping I get more critiques on what I added...

Phorcys has a good point... I hadn't consciously thought about that until I read his review, but now it makes a lot of sense. And wow... that may well just be the creepiest description of taking someone's virginity that I've ever read. I thought these ten lines flowed a lot more cleanly than the first ten, actually; that last couplet in particular was nicely done. My only suggestion: in the last line, perhaps replace "it" with "that?" It might provide a bit more emphasis, and end the poem that much more strongly.