Chionophobia #4 /P

Removed.

i like it! especially the ending. it gives you a punch in the stomach. i liked the character development, especially.
but, i couldn't really imagine Kyle or Joanne. or the office.
but i like the overall idea. keep writing!

Quote:
The phone rang. “Jesus Christ!” He grabbed the phone and slammed it against the wall.

Maybe you should get rid of the second ‘phone‘?


Quote:
“Jo.Anne.”

I think you wanted to write something else here, lol.


Quote:
“He says its urgent.”
Jonathon stood in his office: clothes wrinkled, hair uncombed, eyes red.

In my opinion, this fragment lack connection.


Quote:
“Yes, Mr. Lylac, I am, and no, I don’t want to.
Make two sentences and it’ll look better.


Quote:
“My envelopes are sealed, Mr. Lylac.”
Kyle winked at Joanne as he walked the familiar path to Jon’s office. He knocked lightly on the door and stepped in, “Jon?”

This is a surprising turn of action. How do we know what Kyle is doing if he is outside of Jon’s office?


Quote:
“For godssake, Jonathon—go get laid.” Kyle abruptly left Jonathon’s office.
“Dr. Graham?”

This is a bit abrupt. At this point it is hard to say who is saying what. You jump from one action to another way too fast.


I never read any of your former pieces, so it’s impossible for me to give a comment on your idea. What I can say is that:
a) Your text could use some description
b) You action is a bit too abrupt

“Jo.Anne.”

Seems like a typo

Joanne, ruffled, turned on her heels and headed back out to the waiting room. The man waiting to see Dr. Graham didn’t look like a former patient. “Are you sure you’re one of his?”

“Are you new here? The old secretary, we cleaned filing cabinets together.

“Yes, Mr. Lylac, I am, and no, I don’t want to. He’s waiting in his office.”

it got just a wee bit confusing here. I think dialog tags should be taken advantage of

The dialog at the last part ("did you let them do it to you?") made no sense here.

It feels like you pushed us into a story and gave us no information, but are continuing on the story like we already know everything, its good but you're doing it...too much. I need information! Otherwise, I'm seeing two people fight over nonexistent problems and I care less. A lot less.

Also, does the stupid chick with the large breasts from before have anything to do with the rest of the story? It just hit me, is that just unnecessary "funny"? Or does it actually have something to do with the story? If it doesn't, take it out, but you probably have this planned out already.

(sorry all of these critiques, one after another, seem rather mindless. I'm tired.)

This was great. There's suspence around every corner and I have to keep reading to have almost every important question I have answered. You're really talented at leading your readers up a new path! Keep at it.