A Beaten Path

I'm taking a break from Red Skies ((which I'm considering putting some more chapters up, I've got a lot done)) and decided to work with an idea I've been harvesting for a while. It isn't a series, only one book. So far, this is the prologue.

Prologue
The eyes. Fourteen eyes studied me meticulously. I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island was staring at me. I adjusted my shoulders slightly.

“Stop moving,” Hignius hissed at me. I froze, though I desperately wanted to turn and make a face at him. Oh, just the thought of what The Council would do to me then.

“Step to the left.” Their order rang out, and nine out of ten stepped to the left in unison. I stepped to the right. Immediately, as I noticed my mistake, I moved to the left. Without them even saying anything, a cold sweat broke out on my forehead.

“Rima. Step forward,” the old man in the middle said. I couldn’t breathe as I did what I was told. It hadn’t been my fault; my mind was in a jumble. I couldn’t think straight. “You realize your mistake.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

I stared at the man blankly, hiding my fear and thoughts. He must’ve known them anyway. I was staring at ‘The One’. How could he not have known? Another man stood up, towards the end of the table. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t pry my eyes from The One.

“Step outside,” the man at the end of the table commanded. I had failed. I couldn’t fail. No, not again. I still had two large bruises on my back from the last time. “Step. Outside.” This time the demand was sharper. I could feel Hignius watching me. I knew he must have felt as devastated as I was.

I dropped onto my knees and bowed my head.

“Please, sirs, I cannot blunder again. Give me one more chance, and I will prove-“

“Silence!” I could tell from the voice that it was another man. “You will do as you are told.” I stayed there for a moment longer, before numbly standing up, turning, and walking past the line. The door leading out of the room swung open by the touch of my fingers, but I did not stop to look at in awe like usual. I just walked outside. And there He was immediately.

“What happened?” He growled, grabbing my wrist tightly. I held back my whimper and looked away. Without a word He shoved me up into the carriage. I could feel the other masters staring at me, a low murmur escaped from several. This was my third failure. I was a carcass left by a dragon’s liar.

He cracked the whip, and the horses started immediately, snorting. It was like they knew as well. It felt like the whole island knew. And it probably would. Tales fled around this place like dragon fire. I huddled on the wooden bench, set in the carriage. It was uncomfortable, and I rarely ever got into the carriage, so I wasn’t used to the feeling. But I dared not say anything as the carriage bumped through the street.

~~~

Many hours later I sat curled up in an empty stall. New bruises and cuts occupied my body, and old ones had opened up again. I licked my lips, and the taste of blood flowed into my mouth. Not blood from my lips, but the blood dripping down from a cut just below my eye. Already the stable was blurry, and I felt nauseous. My eyes drifted shut, but I could not sleep. Pain took up my mind, and echoes of His screaming clung to the feeling. It was not complete without that.

I had failed. Again. But I was still alive. I knew I wouldn’t be for long.

Mmm... for a 12 year old its pretty good - for general fiction it was very bland in the English Language area. I felt the sentence contruction was dull and boring with the "I did this and I did that." Alot more variation could be added with the use of present participles:

"Gripping the orb, I dashed outside."

Also your speech construction needs work, you need to review linguistic aspects of this piece - this will come through reading. Read, read and always read.

This is pretty DARN good for a twelve year old. I thought it was good and can really only repeat what Phorcys said, it could have used some more descriptive words. Wonderful sentence structure variation, though, might I add, goodness, I couldn't right like that a year ago!

Generally, I agree with the two above comment, lol J

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them (...)
Seven pairs? Maybe you should add that.

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island on which I was on was staring at me
Okay, this sentence… I had to reread it… Firstly, I would suggest deleting one of the ‘on’ . It is also a bit complex and hard to decipher out: Maybe you should make two sentences out of that?

Quote:
I froze, though desperately wanted to turn and make a face at him.
I would add a second ‘I’.

Quote:
The old man in the middle said. I couldn’t breathe as I did what I was told. It hadn’t been my fault, my mind was in a jumble
‘it wasn’t my fault THAT my mind was a jumble?’ If not, than I think you should delete the last about the jumble or from a separate sentence.

Quote:
It was like they knew too
I don’t really know what’s wrong with this, but if doesn’t sound right somehow… Maybe a comma? ‘It was as if they also knew.’ Oh, I don’t know. Just change it, lol.

Anyways, apart from those minor mistakes, the story was VERY interesting and I really liked it. I did not have to make myself read it, which is a big plus on your account. -Am I to expect a continuation? (Try adding more descriptions).

Hi ^_^.

‘I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island on which I was on was staring at me.’

-The bolded make this an awkward sentence (try saying it out loud). Just cut out the bolded bit - it isn’t needed, as it doesn’t tell us anything the rest of the sentence doesn’t already - and this will read a lot smoother.


‘“Stop moving.” Hignius hissed at me.’

&

‘“Rima. Step forward.” The old man in the middle said.’

&

‘“Step outside.” The man at the end of the table commanded.’

&

‘“What happened?” He growled, grabbing my wrist tightly.’

- The bolded periods should be commas. And because of this, ‘The’ shouldn’t be capitalised.
- In the final one, ‘He’ shouldn’t have a capital letter.


‘Many hours later I sat, curled up in an empty stall.’

- The comma isn’t needed.


I could have sworn you were older than 12. At any rate, you certainly don’t write like a twelve year old.

This has left me wondering (in a good way) what’s going on. I’m curious about the story and the world you’re building up, so you’ve certainly done your job there.

Keep on writing .

Sorry, Ive just picked up on something.

You arnt legally aloud to be on this forum if you are any less in age than 13 in accordance with COPPA protection which you agreed to on registration.

If you have your parent's permission, than it's allowed (or summit like that).

Which they have to fax through to Nathanial Monkey.

...I'm not really twelve. I mess around with my age when I have nothing better to do, and at the time I must've felt like being twelve.

I don't like giving my age out but if you must know I AM thirteen, and I'll be turning fourteen shortly. Thank you.

--Wings

eleinasari wrote:Generally, I agree with the two above comment, lol J

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them (...)
Seven pairs? Maybe you should add that.
Seven pairs? Seven pairs of what? Seven people are looking at her.

Quote:
I had never been good about standing in front of a crowd, and even though there were only seven of them, it felt like the whole island on which I was on was staring at me
Okay, this sentence… I had to reread it… Firstly, I would suggest deleting one of the ‘on’ . It is also a bit complex and hard to decipher out: Maybe you should make two sentences out of that?
Fixed, using Sureal's advice.

Quote:
I froze, though desperately wanted to turn and make a face at him.
I would add a second ‘I’.
Also fixed.

Quote:
The old man in the middle said. I couldn’t breathe as I did what I was told. It hadn’t been my fault, my mind was in a jumble
‘it wasn’t my fault THAT my mind was a jumble?’ If not, than I think you should delete the last about the jumble or from a separate sentence.
That was supposed to be a semicolon. I think that makes a bit more sense...

Quote:
It was like they knew too
I don’t really know what’s wrong with this, but if doesn’t sound right somehow… Maybe a comma? ‘It was as if they also knew.’ Oh, I don’t know. Just change it, lol.
Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Anyways, apart from those minor mistakes, the story was VERY interesting and I really liked it. I did not have to make myself read it, which is a big plus on your account. -Am I to expect a continuation? (Try adding more descriptions).

Thank you. And yes, you should expect a continuation. Your critique helped a lot, thanks. =^-^=

Chapter One [part one]—
The shadows flickered around me, and the cold seemed to go right through my clothes. I wrapped the old blanket tighter around me (though it made no difference) and inched closer to the fire. The flames were almost licking my face, and any closer I would be burning my toes.

I glanced up at the boy across from me. He was only a couple years older than me, however old I was. I couldn’t count, and even if I could I would have given up trying to keep track. What was the point? I didn’t even know my birthday. But, back to the point, he looked only a couple years older than me.

If I wasn’t so conscious of my own lack of beauty, I would have told him how handsome he was. His black hair was a little long, and his bangs were constantly being brushed out of his eyes. His eyes. They were the best part of him. He had intelligent, grey-blue eyes, and it was obvious he was wiser than his age told when you looked at them. He was lean, but muscular, and at least half a foot taller than me. That was the reason I had been so scared of him when he first found me.

“Jade,” he said, and I jumped, realizing I had been staring at him. I looked away sheepishly, because he had also used my fake name. I couldn’t use my real name. There was too much danger of it somehow being heard, and someone recognizing me. “Here.” He pulled his own blanket off his shoulders and draped it around mine. I shivered with pleasure, but I knew it wasn’t right to use his things.

“Please, I am fine. I do not need this, use it for yourself.” I said quietly, starting to pull it off. He held it up.

“I am not cold, and your fingers are turning blue.” He smiled as I quickly slid my fingers beneath the blanket.

“Very well.” I murmured, looking down at the empty bowl in front of me and wrapping his blanket around me. I almost hoped that it would smell like roses and honey, just for the romance. But it didn’t. It didn’t smell any better than mine. I couldn’t really blame anyone. First of all because there was no one to blame, and secondly, there wasn’t any where to clean the blankets except in dirty pond water. Sometimes even puddles.

His name was Kamion, but he told me to call him Kam. I haven’t even been able to say that. Apparently at his home, everyone had called him Kami, and sometimes his friends had called him that just to get him annoyed.

“If I ever find a woman who I love more than the sky and the sea, then she may get away with calling me Kami. But until then, my short name is to be Kam.” I hadn’t been able to reply to that. In fact, most of the things he has said left my mind blank. He didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s pretty dark.” Kamion said absently. I looked up at him.

“It has been for several hours.” I said softly, then looked away. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I wasn’t allowed to. I was a mere slave, and he was a great adventurer.

“Then we ought to be sleeping.” He sounded surprised at himself. Maybe he wasn’t used to losing track of time. I never knew the time. I could only judge by the sun, and I was usually wrong. I handed him his blanket, but he shook his head, eyes shining slightly in the moonlight. “You use it. I don’t need it.” He whistled, and the bay (he insisted I call it this instead of brown) stallion trotted over from the patch of grass he had been working on. Without any noise he folded his legs under him, and Kamion leaned against the beast’s side. I settled my old blanket on the ground, pulled his over my shoulders, and lay there staring at the fire while the two fell asleep.

Instead of using
" His back hair was a little long..."
You could try using something like
"His hair brushed the tips the back of his neak..." or something like that.

You are really good at describing your characters!


*Keep writing*

I like it. You reffered to dragons a couple times, so I'm guessing this will have them included later? Besides the lack of vocabulary I'd say it's one of the better stories I've read (hey, I'm just a Novice). Keep it up.

She's oficially thirteen now -Welcome to the club, lol!

quote:
The flames were almost licking my face, and any closer I would be burning my toes.
The last part is a little unclear. I would change that somehow.

Okay, so that's it. I have second thoughts about using the parenthesis. It just disrupts the flow, in my opinion. Generally, I liked the chapter, though there is really no connection to the prologue. I suppose that that what is happening in Chapter One is a bit after the prologue? Or a bit before, of course. Anyways, this grabbed my attention, I'll be watching this for more.

-elein

Yes, dragons will come soon. And thank you for your comments...Eleinasari, I don't see how that sentence is unclear, but I'll try to change it.

I'm also sorry for my lack of vocabulary. It will be picking up, I wrote this in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, so I have a good excuse ^-^; not to mention in my English class we have to memorize ten words we don't know from the dictionary, every week. It's making my mind all jumbled and causing me to right simpler sentences.