Elemental chapter 1

piepiemann22 · 2006-12-29T20:12:59Z

"You fool, what were you thinking? You could have been killed," said a young woman. "Only you would be so stupid." She wrapped a bandage around a young man's hand. "Your lucky my father's a doctor." She finished mending his hand and put the small roll back into here bag. "What were you doing anyway Jason?" Jason turned his head, looked at the girl and gave her a faint smile. "Doing what I think is right." He turned to look out of a hole in the wall of a run down building. "It's times like these were we have to do what we can, or we'll go insane. He giggle. "This is no laughing matter Jason! If that blade had gone in any other way you'd be dead right now!" She slapped him across the face and started to cry. "What will I do if you die?" Jason rubbed his cheek and stood up. He pulled the girl up with him. "Don't worry Elena, It's okay, I'm sorry. He hugged her and gave her a kiss on the forehead. He wiped away her tears. "We'll be okay. Trust me." He walked over to the gaping hole to look out. The forest stretched on till you see the burning city Elva. But why Jason, Why did you go up against his henchmen?" Asked Elena while she walked toward Jason. She stood next to him and turned. "Why?" Jason glanced at her. Then turned back. "Because they killed my family." Elena took a step back. "But you told me they died in a fire years ago. The Devil's Ring killed your family." "Your standing in my old house right now." "What?" Elena looked around. "This, was, it. Your home. Jason, I'm sorry." Jason turned around to face Elena. He stared down at his wound on his hand. Jason looked up to see to young men enter the room. They looked at Jason and Elena. One said, " You two alright, Phil and I heard what happened." Jason looked at the young man. "We're alright Kevin, we're alright." Keven looked at Jason's hand. "Doesn't look like it." He stared Jason in the eye, "What happened?" Jason looked at his hand, then back at Kevin. "We ran into members of the Devil's Ring. They tried to rape Elena and kill me. I fought back." "How many were there?" "Three. I got one with a clean uppercut. Smashed his jaw and he died." "So these were his low lives." "Yes. The other one kicked me in the side and sent me to the ground. He was about to pull out a gun, I grabbed a piece of wood and stabbed him. The last one pulled out a knife and tried to stab me. I would have been killed." He raised up his left hand. "But I blocked it." "What!" Kevin stared at Jason and took a good look at him. In his mind he told himself, "Is this really Jason." He took a step back. He started to shake and get a frightened look in his eyes. "Impossible, I've known him most of my life. He was always a kind person with a smile. Now he has blood on his hands and he's only 15." Kevin glanced at Phil only to see he has the same expression on his face. He looked at Elena, she seemed worried. Jason glanced at them. Then toppled over out cold. "Jason!" Elena ran to his side. Kevin and Phil looked at each other. Kevin turned and rushed to Jason. Phil just stood there. "That wasn't Jason just now."

Swires

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Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:50 pm

Swires says... · Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:50 pm

Lilyy03 wrote:About the present tense stuff - it's true it's relatively unusal, and can get messy and hard to read, but it is possible to pull off. From my own reading and (limited) writing experience, it may be easier in first person. I think it can make the reader and writer feel "closer" to the narrating character, if that makes sense. As if they're experiencing things along with the character.
But in this story so far, with the third person narration and not much of any particular character's viewpoint, traditional past tense might be better... Just my opinion, though.

NO! I hate first person in Fantasy work. Its a personal preference but I'd sooner read First Person Narrative Shorts.

Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG

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blackwings_angel

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Mon Jan 01, 2007 8:37 pm

blackwings_angel says... · Mon Jan 01, 2007 8:37 pm

Hey anthony its matt. Oh yeha right your sitting right next to me.

Oh well. I liked the story. And during our walk i heard what is really is building up to. Put it on paper and get it published

PS: make the corrections everyones throwing at you THEN get it published

Glory is like a circle in the water, Which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, Till by broad spreading it disperses to naught. -William Shakespeare

join my Storybook, now would be a great time for a new character to come in. :wink:

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blackwings_angel

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Points 890

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Mon Jan 01, 2007 8:39 pm

blackwings_angel says... · Mon Jan 01, 2007 8:39 pm

hey anthony its matt. YOu just pointed out that us "walking together" sounds gay. But for all you people out there who have weir dminds were not. We are getting shape for spring sports losers.

Glory is like a circle in the water, Which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, Till by broad spreading it disperses to naught. -William Shakespeare

join my Storybook, now would be a great time for a new character to come in. :wink:

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