This is glorified junk -- a heavy-handed appeal for sympathy from a one-dimensional cartoon character. The images are hackneyed and the last strophe is the stuff of parody.
This is not worth any effort at editing.
All the best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
When dealing with cutting, it's best to be subtle about it. I've seen a lot of poems dealing with blood and how it flows out the skin and everything, but there are so many poems like that, this poem almost seems cliched. Which is kinda bad.
So just be subtle about it. Think about suicide and what could actually prompt these feelings... they're more sophisticated than this way you put it. And good luck!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
I would agree that it almost seems cliched. It's a touchy topic, bit gory, so maybe you could have toned down the description and focused more on the expression, the words you used, played more at the emotions.
[Tries to reach for that one last glimmer of happiness, then it's gone, swallowed by the giant they call... EMO]
Now, this is personal preference but I didn't like that this was so.. depressing; it had way too much emotion in, and I don;t usually say that about poetry. Rethink this if you want to appeal to everyone, but this is just my own personal preference, so maybe I'm being selfish when I say that.
The structure was good and I could work with it well and as for the imagery, that was okay too.
But, the rhythm and flow was just skewed all the way through, I felt and it stopped aburptly in some places, making it jerk and jump in places.
Emotastic and extremely frightening.
Self mutilation, how did that become souch a popular topic? (Ooo, I need to write something about that.. and vlog it too!)
I don't have to enjoy it to tell you that it was well written.
But it was.. well written.
omfg,
this is [s]awesome[/s] amazing!
lol,
oh.so.emo =]
so freakin dark.
man,you make me want to cut miiself now
______________________________________
does anyone have cutting utensils?
xD
I must admit...rather intersting poem
Caught my attention quickly
However the flow of it is a little off
Other then that tone down a bit and it will be lovely
I scream at the top of my lungs
Waiting for this madness to end
My heart pumps never ending blood
As my veins suck it all in
~Raven
I liked it. Nice poem about being different and showing true feelings towards the world.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~
I think Snoink got it spot on--the one thing this poem is missing is subtlety. And a period at the end of the first stanza. Yes, that bothered me quite a lot. Also, the correlation with cat scratches was just weirdly worded. A gift from your cat? Hm. You can do better.
