Lost

I wanted to try free verse...I haven't done it in a while. Kind of a random emo-ish poem but...I hope you like it!

No matter how many times I lick my lips,
They always remain dry and cracked.
The years slip by as easily as water in a fish net,
But what about the fish it leaves behind?

If souls could have a taste of freedom,
Instead of being locked up inside bones.
Do mirrors reflect the person you are,
Or just the shell of what you want to be?

Empty remains are left beside the road,
To rot and die and disperse.
But what about this empty corpse,
That follows me where ever I try to go?

Shadows don't leave you,
Tied to your feet are the burdens they carry.
Locked up in an empty cell,
In which you were lost so long ago.

Beautfiul. Very dark. I certaintly liked it.

"Do mirrors reflect the person you are,
Or just the shell of what you want to be?"

^-^ My favorite part! It has so much truth.

Thank you xD; Yes, it is a tad bit dark, isn't it?

I love your signature by the way >.> It made me laugh for a good two minutes or so...

emo-ness is fun. =)

well, anyway, the poem had a lot of interesting questions in it. however, it seemed like you focused more on the way the questions sounded than the question itself. it kind of felt like the questions you asked weren't all revolving around the message you were trying to portray. keeping everything focused on your specific message will make the poem seem less glamour and have more depth.

hope this helps.

It wasn't rally supposed to be focused on anything specific. Basically the fact that ((forgive this emo-ness, it has nothing to do with my feelings, it's just there)) life is empty and leaves you behind.

I don't think anyone should have to explain what they've written. Don't you agree? That's why I hate criticism that isn't based on grammer or spelling issues. I see the good in everything I read and if it's good then I'll tell you but if it's bad I'll tell you the good I saw in it. Ah, I am going off on a bit of a tangent aren't I? lol. I'm glad that my quote made you laugh! It is quite funny! I got it out of this book called THE 2,548 BEST THINGS ANYBODY EVER SAID.

i don't give criticism. i give feedback.

we shouldn't even be having this posted everywhere. "PM". but get over yourself and offyour high horse. seriously.

Please keep this civil. No critiquing critiques... all responses are valid.

Sorry doll. ^_^ Can we kiss and make up? *kisses*

Well, getting back to the poem...
It does sound a bit like the attention to rhythm is overpowering the language itself. With that attention to rhythm, it's a little disappointing to discover that the poem doesn't, well, rhyme. Then with that last lonely little line...it doesn't go with the rest! Sure, it's free verse, but it's like you had this lovely rhyming-poem quality rhythm and then there's this little tail of a fragmented line.

The piece certainly has a distinct tone but it didn't point me in any specific direction. The emotions I perceived from it were awfully general.

Empty remaints are left beside the road,
To rot and die and disperse.
But what about this empty corpse,
That follows me where ever I try and go?

In the first line, I think the word you're looking for is "remains" or perhaps "remnants".
The last line, with the part "try and go" is grammatically incorrect. If you're trying to say "it follows me everywhere I am trying TO go" you must say "to", not "and".

Shadows don't leave you,
Tied to your feet are the burden they carry.
Locked up in an empty cell,
In which you got lost so long ago.

Second line: Make it either "is the burden" or "are the burdens". Incorrect: A burden are tied. Correct: A burden is tied.
Last line: The "got" really doesn't sound poetic, it sounds childish. Simply change it to "were".

If souls could have a taste of freedom,
Instead of being locked up inside bones.

This phrase stood out to me, and not just because it's a fragment. I liked the bit about souls being shut inside bones, like a jail and all. Ooh! How emo! Excellent use of creepy imagery.

Colleen

i like the fact that the poem definetly has a certin tone to it and i get the meaning of the poem. but i think it seems to jump from one stanza to the next with out floowing smoothly. however the writing and use of words is very good and they definetly bring out the feeling

cadmium wrote:Well, getting back to the poem...
It does sound a bit like the attention to rhythm is overpowering the language itself. With that attention to rhythm, it's a little disappointing to discover that the poem doesn't, well, rhyme. Then with that last lonely little line...it doesn't go with the rest! Sure, it's free verse, but it's like you had this lovely rhyming-poem quality rhythm and then there's this little tail of a fragmented line.
I tried rhyming, and apparently I wasn't very good at it. So I decided to go back to free verse, because I haven't done a free verse poem in a long time. It definitely wasn't such a hassle; having to go to a thesaurus and/or dictionary to look up some words that rhyme.

The piece certainly has a distinct tone but it didn't point me in any specific direction. The emotions I perceived from it were awfully general.

Empty remaints are left beside the road,
To rot and die and disperse.
But what about this empty corpse,
That follows me where ever I try and go?

In the first line, I think the word you're looking for is "remains" or perhaps "remnants".
The last line, with the part "try and go" is grammatically incorrect. If you're trying to say "it follows me everywhere I am trying TO go" you must say "to", not "and".
...That's true...thank you for pointing that out!

Shadows don't leave you,
Tied to your feet are the burden they carry.
Locked up in an empty cell,
In which you got lost so long ago.

Second line: Make it either "is the burden" or "are the burdens". Incorrect: A burden are tied. Correct: A burden is tied.
Last line: The "got" really doesn't sound poetic, it sounds childish. Simply change it to "were".
It was supposed to be 'burdens', not burden. I'll fix that. And you're right, 'were' sounds better. Thank you!

If souls could have a taste of freedom,
Instead of being locked up inside bones.

This phrase stood out to me, and not just because it's a fragment. I liked the bit about souls being shut inside bones, like a jail and all. Ooh! How emo! Excellent use of creepy imagery.
Thank you? ^-^

Colleen

Thanks for your critique! It helped this poem a lot ^-^

I would just like to say that overall, I found this poem very amusing. I may not fully understand the universal theme, but it made me think and look beyond the dark imagery. Good job!

Haha, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

--Wings

I liked this poem a lot it was deep and that is what makes every poem a good one!

~~*Judi Patootie*~~