The Dream

The night was a pleasant one, warm with a gentle cooling breeze in the air. The stars shone like fairy lights, brighter than anything among the night sky, black as ebony. And the moon was breath-taking. It glowed like the joy I saw in my father's eyes, no more than magic. I could smell the sweet aroma of the air, the undisturbed scent of the Flowers in the garden. But there was another smell, one I hadn't inhaled for years. A rich, fruity scent of my mother's perfume. And I could feel the warmth of the embrace I was en-rapt in and the strength it held. I could taste something bitter-sweet, something I couldn't define, but something I enjoyed. All that aside, what I could taste, smell, feel and see, none of it was nearly as important as what I could hear. If it were possible to take the words you hear and frame them and put them up on your wall as though they were a PhD or a Van Gogh, I would have, at that very moment. Because the words I could hear, and the voice I heard saying them, made something inside me melt, as though that thing were an ice cream in the afternoon sun, or an igloo in Darwin. Three words, three simple words, that I have been waiting my whole life to hear. Sure, I'd heard them before; from my Dad, my aunt, my grandma and my many boyfriends. But to hear them from the one person that I haven't seen since before infancy, since I had first opened my eyes, made me feel as if my life were suddenly complete.
"I love you." a voice whispered in my ear. But not just any voice. No way. It was a voice of high importance. It was the voice of my mother.

Among some things that you could have done better in this piece, you did some things horribly right. Many people get lost in describing just what they can see, or what is happening, but you described smell, taste and feel as well. Great to see people doing that.

Anyway, I think punctuation is your biggest fault. I'm pretty much in the same boat, so my advice may not be up to the same standard as other people's, but I'll give it a shot.

The stars shone like fairy lights, brighter than anything among the night sky, black as ebony.

With this sentence the way it is, it is a tad unclear. After the second comma, you should say "which was black as ebony." Just so the reader knows what exactly you're saying is black as ebony. I know, the night sky is the only thing that it could be, but the change will make things read a bit better.

I could smell the sweet aroma of the air, the undisturbed scent of the Flowers in the garden. But there was another smell, one I hadn't inhaled for years.

Flowers doesn't need a capital letter. In addition (and probably more importantly) make this one sentence. It works sometimes, but in this case starting a sentence with 'but' doesn't really fit. Change it to:

I could smell the sweet aroma of the air, the undisturbed scent of the flowers in the garden, but there was another smell, one I hadn't inhaled for years.

You could possibly use a semi-colon, but you'll have to get a second opinion on what the proper way to handle those things is. I'm just going on what I think sounds better.

an igloo in Darwin

Personally, I would have used Alice Springs. It's generally a lot hotter. Just a personal opinion though.

That's all I can pick out, but I'm sure there's something I've missed. Anyway, good work here and I hope you continue with this piece; it sounds promising.

Keep it up.

really? I always thought Darwin was hotter.

You know, you have the same problem I had when I was that age: not understanding proper paragraphing. But that's okay, it's easy to explain. All you do is (my english teacher taught it to me this way) act like you're a photographer, and every time the image changes, it's a new paragraph.

let me see how this would work:

The night was a pleasant one, warm with a gentle cooling breeze in the air. The stars shone like fairy lights, brighter than anything among the night sky, black as ebony. And the moon was breath-taking. It glowed like the joy I saw in my father's eyes, no more than magic.

I could smell the sweet aroma of the air, the undisturbed scent of the Flowers in the garden. But there was another smell, one I hadn't inhaled for years. A rich, fruity scent of my mother's perfume. And I could feel the warmth of the embrace I was en-rapt in and the strength it held. I could taste something bitter-sweet, something I couldn't define, but something I enjoyed.

All that aside, what I could taste, smell, feel and see, none of it was nearly as important as what I could hear. If it were possible to take the words you hear and frame them and put them up on your wall as though they were a PhD or a Van Gogh, I would have, at that very moment.

Because the words I could hear, and the voice I heard saying them, made something inside me melt, as though that thing were an ice cream in the afternoon sun, or an igloo in Darwin. Three words, three simple words, that I have been waiting my whole life to hear. Sure, I'd heard them before; from my Dad, my aunt, my grandma and my many boyfriends. But to hear them from the one person that I haven't seen since before infancy, since I had first opened my eyes, made me feel as if my life were suddenly complete.

"I love you." a voice whispered in my ear. But not just any voice. No way. It was a voice of high importance. It was the voice of my mother.


Okay---so there are a lot of reasons why this is good, but a few why it is bad. Good things, it was pretty, you used some pleasant wordplay, in some places it was almost poetic. Bad, I think you spelled inrapt incorrectly, and at places this seemed to me like this was just a report for english class forcing you to write about all five senses. In that sense, you over did it a bit. Still, quite promising,message me when you add more.

thats how you spell it! I thought it was enrapt but the spell check put in the hyphen thing.

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

thanks im only writing this post to see my signature CLAPS FOR LUCY!

thanks im only writing this post to see my signature CLAPS FOR LUCY!

My my Lucy, quite the description you got there. I really liked the images you created. I'm not really sure what I can say that everyone else has.

You need to do more paragraphs and take out quite a few commas but everyone else has already said that. ^_^() So I guess you can count this as an ego boost.

Good job! *Thumbs up*

LUNA

The only criticism I have is that the imagery seems a tad overdone, and so a lot of it runs together. Otherwise, very sweet, I love how so many things are used to describe the simple pleasure of the love of a mother, so much emotion gathered up in one small thing.