longing of hope and freedom

A box is all that surrounds me,
a cage is my home.
I watch the birds fly,
as free as can be.
I long for hope,
so I may sore,
but all there is is darkness,
no hope to be found.
My life is a prison,
in which I can't escape.
I'm bound to this shadow,
without a choice.
Forever shall I sleep,
an endless slumped,
without any hope,
or freedom.

i like this its about freedom and become free i like the feelings it sends over when you read it but the end is sad though becoz the hope and freedom never came through.

Thank you

i like it. i like the feeling i got when i read it. i also like the feeling you put into it to make it this way.

Okay lets start off smoothly, ahum

Please capitalize all the "I's"

Okay so you're longing for freedom, pretty intresting I guess but the way you brought it forward was so the usual. These discriptions are well known over here, try something else

For Example :

I watch the birds fly,
as free as can be.

A little more creativity over here? what's more usual than a bird being free? I hope you get my point over here

Another tip is to not repeat words over and over unless it is really nescasary

You used words such as free and darkness 2 times in this piece, and I see no reason why you should've.

Experiment a little, and better luck next time

Cheerios, Chandni

I basically agree with Chandni. You repeat "hope" and "freedom" a lot, yet you never really expand on them in an original way. You're in a "cadge" (which I shall assume is a cage). Okay, why? This cage is a metaphor for something, but what exactly? Why do you want to be free from this cage? How does being in this cake make you feel so hopeless? How can you get out of this cage? What does the cage look like? Maybe try answering some of those questions in a poetic form and you can go somewhere with this. Keep writing!

i think that you spelled cage wrong..... its ok though

"All there is is darkness"


The repetition if the word "is" interupts the flow of the piece. I would recommend There is only darkness or something along those lines. Happy editing!

I liked the refrences you used and the symbolism as well and its flow for me was just the right pace but i would have to hear it out loud to make any judge on how you thought it sounded. Im a firm beliver that for one all people are caged in this society but to say we are caged is the acknoweding the cage is there and starting to bend the bars a little. that being said nice to see someone bending bars and i hope that more people will do so.