Barcelona Story

It was a very hot day. The weather report had said it was twenty-five degrees Celsius but it felt like much more. The streets were packed with irritable suits heading to work, vibrant American tourists, lonesome strollers, outlandish performers and local people, it as diverse as it was hot. A young woman, wearing a calm blue linen dress, a pair of large square framed sunglasses and a wide but elegant straw hat wandered down the steps of her hotel. She paused to inhale the various aromas; spices, perfumes and a strange scent that could not be described as sweet smelling but was some how appealing.
In front of her lay a long stretch of spilled colour and sound. A dream like sequence of assorted performances, it was certainly like no place she’d been before.She began to walk, slowly, smiling. Not awarding her full attention to anything just yet, there was too much to see. She paused to finger the golden amulets, which sparkled against a lush violet velvet cloth. She stroked the silky scarves with the intricate threaded detail and she eyed the intense portraits and the way the artist flicked his brush passionately, dabbing at his palette. None of these things were very expensive but they were all so magnificent that she treated them as though she could not afford them.
Overwhelmed by the heat but more by the scene she relaxed into a chair to absorb her surroundings. She sat back, sipping at her drink and experiencing entirely every gentle breeze that passed.

(I wrote this a while ago and I rather like it although I feel there's bits here and there that could be edited to tidy it up a bit. Let me know what you think. I put it in other fiction because I haven't decided what it is yet.)

s_angel222 wrote:It was a very hot day. The weather report had said it was twenty-five degrees [s]Celsius[/s], but it felt like much more. The streets were packed with irritable suits heading to work, vibrant American tourists, lonesome strollers, outlandish performers and local people, it w as as diverse as it was hot. In the crowd, a young woman wearing a calm blue linen dress, a pair of large square framed sunglasses and a wide but elegant straw hat wandered(Interesting word choice) down the steps of her hotel. She paused to inhale (Another interesting choice of words) the various aromas; spices, perfumes and a strange scent that could not be described as sweet smelling but was some how appealing.
In front of her lay a long stretch of spilled colour and sound. A dream like sequence of assorted performances, it was certainly like no place she’d been before. She began to walk, slowly, smiling. Not awarding her full attention to anything just yet, there was too much to see. She paused to finger the golden amulets, which sparkled against a lush violet velvet cloth. She stroked the silky scarves with the intricate threaded detail [s]and she[/s] , eyeing the intense portraits and the way the artist flicked his brush passionately, dabbing at his palette. (You might wanna describe where these people are at. They're in the street but it's odd how you throw them in) None of these things were very expensive but they were all so magnificent that she treated them as though she could not afford them.
Overwhelmed by the heat but more by the scene she relaxed into a chair to absorb her surroundings. She sat back, sipping at her drink and experiencing entirely every gentle breeze that passed. (Drink, chair? Where'd she get those?)

It needs more. "Inhale" and "wandered" seemed kind of interesting I guess. They're not that big of a deal though. Anyways, you're good at writing, so keep up the good work.

This is descriptive. It's too descriptive. It's choking me.
Perhaps...give this piece more of a meaning? At the moment, it seems to exist only to describe and say "Oh, look at this nice person who's watching everything and enjoying life." It just doesn't make me care.

The obsessive use of adjectives really takes away from this piece. You could take out 95% of the adjectives used in here. Every thing I've ever read about improving one's prose writing says that adjectives are the enemy. Yes, the piece will be shorter, but it'll say exactly the same thing.

Colleen

Posted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 2:22 am Post subject: Barcelona Story

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It was a very hot day. The weather report had said it was twenty-five degrees but it felt like much more. The streets were packed with irritable suits heading to work, vibrant American tourists, lonesome strollers, outlandish performers and local people, it as diverse as it was hot. A young woman in rather elegant attire wandered down the steps of her hotel. She paused to inhale the various aromas; spices, perfumes and a strange scent that could not be described as sweet smelling but was some how appealing.
In front of her lay a long stretch of spilled colour and sound, it was certainly like no place she’d been before.She began to walk, slowly, smiling. Not awarding her full attention to anything just yet, there was too much to see. She paused to finger the golden amulets, which sparkled against a lush violet velvet cloth. She stroked the silky scarves with the intricate threaded detail. A man perched on a low stool, an intense expression on his face, an artist. An assortment of his unusual works were laid in front of him. None of these things were very expensive but they were all so magnificent that she treated them as though she could not afford them.
Overwhelmed by the heat she was relieved to find herself at the entrace to a small but welcoming café. It was empty inside, far too hot for inside. All the customers had occupied the outdoor seating. She relaxed into a chair to absorb her surroundings. She sat back, sipping at her drink and experiencing entirely every gentle breeze that passed.


Ok I've changed things about it. I agree about the overuse of adjective but I think I'd just come back from Barcelona and I was feeling a little passionate lol. I could probably still cut out a few more adjectives but let me no anyway...