A Sleepless Soul

A lust for power
and a yearning for freedom,
the sides of soul collide.
Choose your own path in life
let it feed from your soul.
Forever light,
or forever dark.
Now is the time to choose.


I'm sorry if you don;t understand. Its a little complex. It basically states that everyone must make choices, but make sure the choice is yours.

Eh.. I'm not sure what to say? I'll try to be kind.

First, the title? I'm not sure how it relates to the poem.

There isn't any punctuation so if you looked at is as a sentence it would be a run on, because there isn't even a period at the end.

"A lust for power and a yearning for freedom the sides of soul collide who will prevail you choose"

The last two lines are...flat and uninteresting? I'm not sure if this poem gives me anything, really. The first three are okay, but I haven't a clue what you are talking about. It is one stanza, and you seem to have made it rather plain.

I think if we knew what you were talking about, or were able to have enough to make our own ideas it would be good, though I would throw out the last two lines all together. "You choose" it just....obscure.

It's so short, also. Unbelievably short. You give us nothing. It is nothing, I hate to say. What have I gained, learned, experienced, felt, loved, cried over, died for, hated within these five lines? Nothing. If you are going to do something so short as this, you have to do it good because you give yourself no room to amaze the reader.

something cannot be so short and so bland. It could be even shorter, two lines, but it's only good if you can amaze us within those two lines, otherwise it's useless.

There is really nothing to this piece. No relevance, no connections. Just some words put into lines. You can't fairly call this poetry. Is there any message at all here? It doesn't even appear to be worth saving.

Put some thought into what you are trying to say and re-write it without trying to look fancy.

As always,

Miss POKE

I'm not sure there was a single part of this poem that wasn't distressingly cliched--not even the main message. If you'd used an interesting, varied vocabulary then... no, it still wouldn't have been anything special, but it might have at least captured the reader's attention for a few moments.

Also, as Clau said, the dearth of punctuation isn't doing anyone any favors. You might think you're being clever or avant garde by leaving it all out, but it just turns the inner voice of the poem into a monotone; it's the commas, periods, colons, semi-colons, etc that give the poem rhythm, rises and falls that keep the mind's ear tuned in.

Better luck next time, and keep trying.

Sir Fand of the Crusades

im afraid i have to agree with them all work on this one

Give piepiemann22 a break guys!
This is quite a cool poem, well i think it is anyway
And there is a point to it, I think you are saying that um, everyone has a choice in life whether we act for good or for evil
I love the line
"Now is the time to choose"
no particular reason though
Oh one last thing
You know you posted on one of my poems?
memory I think...
anyway YOU write much better than me u were just being nice
Prose is more my style
bye then
and keeping writing cool stuff like this