Elemental

Please read and edit
Elemental:The Warrior of Wind.
Chapter 1
"A book with a lock? Why did my father have something like this laying around?"
The boy dusts off the old book.
"What's this. It has writing on the front.'
Life is a fragile thing. We must all make sure we make the right choices in our life. But what is right, what is wrong. Point of view. Choice. That's what it's all about. It doesn't matter what path you take as long as the choice is yours.
"What in the world." The boy of fourteen stands up. "What is this?"
The boy flips threw the pages of the old book. Then suddenly an object falls out. The boy puts the book down and picks up the object on the floor. he holds it up to his face.
"A necklace."
The boy examines it. The necklace has a silver chain. On that there is an attachment with a wight crystal like stone lodged in it.
"Jason, where are you!"
"I'm up in the attic Uncle John!" Yells Jason.
Uncle John walks through the attic door.
"What are you doing up here Jason?" He stairs down at the book on the floor and the necklace in Jason's hand. "What did you find up here?"
"I'm not sure," Jason says. "I found the book with my dad's old belongings that survived the fire and the necklace was lodged inside it."
"Jason, you really shouldn't go through that stuff."
"I'm sorry Uncle, I'll put it back."
"Just don't worry about it now. Just go get ready for school."
"Okay.'
Jason runs out the door and down the stairs. His Uncle leans over and picks up the old book.
"What were you up to Lille. Somethings wrong, I can feel it."
Jason runs into his room and closes the door. he walks over to the window and looks outside.
"Looks like it might rain. Well, at least it's not snow any more. Now what to ware."
"Jason hurry up!"
Jason walks through the door into the kitchen.
"You don't always have to yell you Know. It's a small house after all."
He walks around his uncle.
"Got everything you need?" John asks.
"Yes!" Jason yells behind his back. "Got everything."
"OK, have a nice day."
"Bye."
"Oh, Wait."
"What is it Uncle?"
"Take this." John holds out his hand. Inside it is the necklace Jason found. "You keep it. Your father would want you to have it."
He hands it to Jason.
"Thank you." Jason puts on the necklace. "Bye."
"Good bye." To himself, "Be safe. The book of the Elemental. Lille, why would you open up that power. You've put your son in grave danger."
Chapter 2
The bell rings at Forest Middle School.
"Jason, over here!" Yells a young woman.
"Ellen!"
Jason walks over to a table in the school courtyard. Sitting there are three people.
"Good morning Jason," says Ellen.
"Morning Katie, Phil, Jacob. How are you all doing."
"You wear the same clothes everyday Jason, buy new ones. Don't you agree Phil."
"Yes I do Jake."
"What are you guys talking about? I don't wear the same clothes everyday."
"Yes you do. You also never get a hair cut. even when you do it doesn't look like it. It's always messy. It just looks ugly like that with it all brown and stuff. Not to mention you were a button up shirt over a t-shirt every day. Then you where deep blue jeans even when it's a scorcher out."
"I wouldn't be talking right now Phil. You wear black and white every day."
"Ha ha he got you Phil ha ha burn."
oh shut up Jake, you love brown okay so don't start talking."
"This is why I hang out with you guys, your so funny," says Ellen while laughing.
"Really, is that the only reason?" Asks Jason.
"Maybe."
"There they go again," Phil whispers. "Why can't they get it over with? Just tell each other the love each other."
"Jason?"
"Yes Ellen, what is it?"


I'm not done yet but no more time.

Welcome to YWS, hon. If you have any questions or anything, feel free to PM me. Let's get on to the crit.

1. SPELLING. There are quite a few spelling mistakes in this, please for everyones sakes go through and spell check.

2. Life is a fragile thing. We must all make sure we make the right choices in our life. But what is right, what is wrong. Point of view. Choice. That's what it's all about. It doesn't matter what path you take as long as the choice is yours. - This beginning is just way to preachy, plus all you are doing here is TELL, there needs to be much more SHOW.

3. HOMOPHONES aka words that are spelled differently but sound the same. Note: The boy flips threw the pages of the old book.; threw should be through.

4. LENGHT, this is just a snippet, there really needs to be more here before I can critique your plot, characters, et al. Or before I can really get into this. Right now there is nothing pulling me in, sporking me to turn the page.

As it is right now, you need to work on showing versus telling, spelling, and well as some of the grammatical errors.

Good luck.
CL

Courtesy of SPEW and The Former Kitten Eaters Anonymous

what the last guy said is all true and she pointed out basically all of the issues. The other thing i would like to point out is as follows: there is no concept of the characters except that the boy is 14 and he has an uncle. Create the character before creating too much of the story, I'd had to see you forget.

This piece is small and purely objective, you show little view point of the characters and dont seem to have thought out a plot at all. A brief spell check is also acceptable before you post on YWS.

There is no point whatsoever in me pointing out the spelling/grammar mistakes, as that has all been done. I will, however comment on the plot, or lack of it. Now, i was in the mood for a short story to read, but this is just too short. It has potential, from what i can see, but there is no character depth, and the plot is absolutely minimal. I think this may have just worked had it been a prologue, but as a chapter it's not long enough. The only plot line we can see is the possibility that his dad died in a fire.
About the whole section in the beginning, i don't agree that telling is necessarily a bad thing, some parts of novels i enjoy most are the bits where i am being told what has happened, but in this instance, it would have been better to have been left out. It's way too cliche, in my opinion, and a little over-dramatic.
Well, i hope i've been of some help, and if i've been harsh, don't take it personally - i'm in a harsh mood!!

Hey.....good job in it. I mean I haven't heard the full story. BUT pay attention in English class. You have a lot of spelling mistakes.

SpeedDemon, welcome to the site however your crit was of minimal value. If you like a piece you must say why in terms of flow, characters, plot, world building and style etc...

Thanks.

Adam

yeah dude i had a huge page of mistakes i found but i accidently deleted it so im hoping u can find them on your own

good luck and well, work on the story it has potential, BUT you aren't reaching reaching for it

good luck dude




like my pattern?


cya l8er

matt


PS comment a few of my pieces

i see quite a number of punctuation and spelling errors.
Also:
The boy flips threw the pages of the old book
It should be through, right?

Life is a fragile thing. We must all make sure we make the right choices in our life. But what is right, what is wrong. Point of view. Choice. That's what it's all about. It doesn't matter what path you take as long as the choice is yours.
this sounds... weird. The second and third line doesn't really make any sense to me too.

And the chapters are really short for chapters. You should write more of it, and reveal more of your plot.
Otherwise, I think it was pretty OK.