Untitled *Clau. Help?*

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 131
k edited, with all of that in mind. cant work out what i like.

Chapter One
Sinking slowly behind me was the shadow of a car, feather-light plumes of dark smoke curling from its crumbled body. within it lay three torn skeletons, technically the bones were still coated in a thick layer of organs, muscle, fat and skin yet somehow they seemed empty. Nothing but the shells of people that had jumped ship years before.

I could still hear the broken sobs of Ashley, her body bent over itself far enough away from the car for her to soak in the warmth of the fireball without feeling the harsh burn flash across her body. After dragging her away from the car repeatedly as she clawed at Jackson’s lifeless body, I had settled her on a small rise in the ground. Her broken arm cradled in the makeshift sling . It took me seventeen minutes to convince her that no amount of tender kisses or muffled promises of goodness would shake the breath into his lungs. I couldn’t risk dragging her diseased blonde body behind me broken and cracked as it was.

Seventeen wasted minutes, help would arrive soon, an ambulance would squeal away from the scene. Ashley’s sobs would shake and quiver as she felt herself being physically distanced from the broken bodies that candy coated her life. Poor girl, I’m glad I wasn’t in that deep.

Ever since cross country as a kid I had run faster bare foot, diving behind a native bush and pulling off my torn trainers was strategic even though I sat a little to long, listening to the sirens hurry closer. They seemed to captive me, singing a lullaby of a world left behind. I closed my eyes and shut away the world, focusing on filling my lungs with the fresh air created by kilometres of towering trees. Somebody swore, slipped and ploughed into my shoulder.

“Fuck it, Carter” I cried, recognising the overpowering smell of musk crowding my lungs and the large hand steadying his shaking body on my shoulder.

Carter had been in the passengers seat, where he always sat. Sitting high and mighty over his charges. I still found it hard to believe that he had survived, the way the car had folded itself around a historic tree.

“ It wasn’t our fault, kid” He soothed. Smoothing down my hair and making patterns in the dirt with his feet. He was agitated, high as a kite and as the police cars slid past us in a tight convey I felt his body tense and watched his eyes glaze over. Sitting beside him on the cold dirt, wriggling my toes made me wish myself into Ashley’s position.

“she’ll be fine” he smiled, as if he could collect my scattered thoughts. “She really knows nothing, just an innocent girl wrapped up with the wrong crowd. That’s what the cops will see and that’s what the world would see but we cant be with her. Its hard but were the bad guys, were the wrong crowd.” He finished as he pulled himself to his feet and spun around, without speaking I took his hand and together we slipped through the green undergrowth of the New Zealand bush away from the crash splashed with fragments of our lives.

We ran together, our fingers laced in a silent ideal of freedom for as far as our feet would carry us. It was deep into the night before either of us spoke. I cant remember who started but soon a constant flow of memories swam between us, warming our bodies and flushing away the desperate screaming of breaks and shattering of glass.

“Christen, did you see her at last weeks party?” I gossiped, I felt like an old biddy, all we needed was a packet of cards and ginger snaps.

Carter nodded, something I hardly saw in the dark. It didn’t matter that we were alone now, that the merry men had slowly withered and died. All that mattered was the sky above us, the grass below us and the potential that we would could make it, if we stuck it out it would all be fine.

Ashley would be admitted to hospital, somewhere both Carter and myself should have been with our gapping wounds and growing purple bruising. Soon she would be a kid again, she was still young and there was still a chance she could return to everyday life without realising what she was missing.

Carter, however, was 19, he knew there was more to life than creamy yellow curtains and polished wood floors. Dragging him back into the real world would do more harm than good. he hadn’t been home in 7 years, his parents were trying to have him considered dead by the New Zealand government, funny considering that’s where he should be now. I could imagine him, suspended between heaven and hell. Heaven for bringing so much light into our lives, hell for turning it out as he pleased.

I wouldn’t go back, home wasn’t the same place it had been. It was empty now, pointless. With these kids, these kids that showed me what life was really like I felt alive again.

“You know what? You’re a crazy fucker . I didn’t think I was ganna catch up with you” Carter finally snorted, his fingers stroking my own. I didn’t think he would either, it had always been said. If this went down, if anything went down we all went solo. We cleaned the slate and forgot about any of the other faces that we knew better than our own.

“ Why did you come after me? What about splitting up?” I asked, turning my face towards his. He leaned close to me, our noses touching and electric sparks running through them.

“Fuck the rules” he laughed planting a heavy kiss on my lips, I felt it melt across me. The taste of his lips, cheap beer, weed and tobacco swirl through my mouth. The very same taste had dripped into my life and drew me into his imaginary world of peter-pan style teenager scum bags, our perception fogged by the marijuana poking at the corners of our mind and the adrenalin rush charging through our systems as we lived for each other, and nothing more.
“what are we going to do?” I finally asked, my voice shredding the paper-thin security that had folded around us. Carter shrugged, stretching out on the moist dirt. I couldn’t remember the last time it had rained, my mind wandering my memory banks, falling upon two giggling girls splashing in puddles, matching Barbie gumboots and damp brown hair in two curly pony tails, dancing and spinning in the afternoon wind.

“we are going to sleep, and in the morning find some food cause I’m fucken hungry.” He smiled casually, pulling his blue baseball cap over his eyes and resting his head on a small tuft of grass. I flattened my body against his and pulled his hand across my side.

“maybe we can order room service” I laughed. There was no reply. I had never felt so alone.

Within our group I would be seen as a goddess, the golden haired sweetheart hanging off Carters arm. Within the real world I would be seen as nothing but a punk. A stupid little rich girl that had used a “gang” as a cry for help from daddies little princes. Maybe we were considered a gang, and maybe we had wrapped a stolen car around a tree. But without the thrill of a mugging, or home invasion I was just another rich girl.

Most people in this situation would have run away after tonight. After the leader had been tragically killed and you were on the run from the police. Knowing that your face would be sprayed over televisions nation wide. Video footage of you smiling as the revolver cradled in your arms spat lead, knocking down everything in its path. But once your in this, your in it for life. And that, is exactly why I didn’t leave Carters side.
Last edited by Crayon on Sat Dec 23, 2006 3:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
Trying to survive "sweet sixteen."
---
<love> is sweet -suicide- and {[you]} are my LATEST a.t.t.e.m.p.t




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
Bonjour, I'm here :-)

Nothing could have stopped me that afternoon, nothing could slow my legs, running using energy reserves from months of kit kats and mellow puffs or calm my pounding heart thumping a tribal beat that tore at my shirt.


What is bold should be fixed. Its messy, and hard to wade through and read. When you write (I seem to say this a lot) only say what is needed. But, all this is needed? Then say it in a clearer form, I think what messes it up is the -ing tense. Also, and I am not sure on this but, I think its KitKat, and I believe name brands should be capitalized.

Physically it was impossible, to run that far and that fast but only one thing beats the impossible. Death.


This is bumpy, I blame the comma. "It was physically impossible to run that far and that fast, but only one thing beats the impossible: death." you could move words around (you had physical as...an adjective? and it didn't come out right) but this is proper, but still you can move things around as you want.

It was the middle of the Summer holidays and it had been three months since id seen the smiling yellow letterbox that stood guard at the bottom of the winding pebbled path Mathew had spent the past three weeks perfection.
long sentence. id should be fixed to I'd, which could be caught with a quick look over.

Take advantage of commas when needed, make everything smooth and clean, don't say too much in one breath if you are chocking for air. I think it freaks out at "Smiling, yellow letterbox" (comma between adjectives, except for the one right before the noun) It might work as it is, maybe I'm being too critical.

I had thrown my cell phone in a stream, listening to the whispered hollow words Christen weaved around me.
Why did she throw it in the stream? We should know. and you go from -ed to -ing and it breaks the flow somewhat. perhaps 'in a stream while listening to'?

Such a shame isn’t wasn’t bullets I was running from.
It's amazing how cliche a foreshadowing like this sounds to me...

Sinking slowly behind me was the shadow of a car, feather-light plumes of dark smoke curling from its crumbled body, within it lay three torn skeletons.
this is somewhat hard to follow, I had to read it three times to understand what you meant. and 'within it lay three torn skeletons' should be its own sentence.

You describe the car crash eloquently, though up until then I had no idea what was going on. from what I've seen so far, I would say cut the first two paragraphs. but thats just me.

Ever since cross country as a kid I had run faster bare foot so diving behind a native bush and pulling off my torn trainers was strategic even though I sat a little to long, listening to the sirens hurry closer. I closed my hazel eyes and shut away the world, focusing on filling my lungs with the fresh air created by kilometres of towering trees.
is kilometres a typo? I wouldn't know but it comes up wrong on my spell check.

comma after 'faster bare foot' one you get to 'even though I...' the sentence feels to long. just make a period 'I sat a little too long and listened to the sirens...' why did she sit too long?

she says 'i closed my hazel eyes' which is out of character. she knows her eyes are hazel, so why would she say hazel? she would just say eyes. Its unnatural, is all. don't describe her, it works well this way.

“Fuck it Carter” I cried, recognising the overpowering smell of musk crowding my lungs and the large hand steadying his shaking body on my shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me and although I wanted to slither away, naming him a coward, pushing him towards the crash to watch as his world falls apart and split at the seams I snuggled into him, letting warm tears fall like lightning between us.
comma before Carter, and after. learn how to punctuate dialog. your sentence get long again, and its not that that alone is that bad part it is that they are hard to understand, i have to guess what happened. you can let us guess and be clueless, but to it good. It's also, a suggestion, good to not add description to dialog tags. If you are good, you can pull it off and not get caught, but its very hard.

“ It wasn’t our fault kid” He soothed, smoothing down my hair and making patterns in the dirt with his feet, he was agitated, high as a kite and as the police cars slid past us in a tight convey I felt his body tense and watched his eyes glaze over. Sitting beside him on the cold dirt, wriggling my toes made me wish myself into Ashley’s position.


same here, use commas with your dialog (if you need help on how to use them PM me and I'll explain) and your sentences get long, the verbs change tense and they get hard to understand. they don't make sense. Try reading it out loud.

I'll stop with what I've said above so much :-) you get the picture.

more to life that creamy
than..

I have to stop, forgive me! I want to continue for the sake of edit but I feel that I haven't more to say. The story is good, if I knew what said story is.

I think I've seen enough to critique enough for you to have a lot to work with :-) I know little to nothing about your characters as people. And whats going on? I don't know anything either. We need SOMETHING, because right now as it stands, its interesting, but I'm so clue less that I don't care. Whats going to happen? I don't care because I don't even know what is going on now. It is written good, though I dare say it looms on purple prose sometimes, because the words get so pretty and yet I don't know what is going on...

Try to...try to make it be more of a story and less of a large description? No, thats wrong. Try to make it make more sense, tell us more about why and what and who and how. Otherwise we are lost in your story, following along with mindless description. We need to know what is happening (and why is so and so missing out on things) you talk about things as if we know them already, but we don't.

And I'm typing to fast and I don't think I have much else to say.

In short: Expand the story with info, shorten the sentence and purple prose (at times), bring out the characters, and (if you don't already) read your work (aloud if you wish) at least 3 times before posting. Thats how I do it.

Well ...good luck?
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 131
lol i learned how to totally edit it, woot @ me.
Last edited by Crayon on Sat Dec 23, 2006 3:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
Trying to survive "sweet sixteen."
---
<love> is sweet -suicide- and {[you]} are my LATEST a.t.t.e.m.p.t




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
ah, one quick note, there is a convenient 'edit' button up in the top right hand corner of your posts, its better to 'edit' them, rather than to repost (unless they are new chapters all together)
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo



If Nate ever zeroes the count in "Count Up Until Nate Zeroes It", that zero should be immortalized in the quote gen.
— JazzicusMaximus