Good people of planet earth! My printer, the very printer that sits by my computer day after day, the printer that has printed every document that I have ever written for the past five years, the printer that sits across from me at this very moment, is alive. It looks to be a perfectly harmless device, sitting on the desk with an innocent smile embedded in its plastic features. But I and those of my household know better. The missing pets, the typhoid epidemic in Southern Africa, global warming, disappearing stars and even the recent demoting of Pluto from its' place in our solar system... I am a firm believer in the fact that every one of these major catastrophes can, in some way, be traced back to my printer. Let me explain...
First of all, to maintain a certain level of sanity around my house, the printer must be fed daily with large quantities of ink and paper. If not (and here I speak nothing but the truth), a loud commanding voice that can be heard for miles around fills my house shouting demands like, "BLACK INK IS LOW!" and, "PLEASE LOAD PAPER IN THE AUTO SHEET FEEDER!" The technician that designed the voice system for my printer was obviously not having a good day. The device speaks with a loud and obtrusive voice that demands the listeners' attention with a certain urgency, undeserving of a simple printer. It is a scary thing when a printer develops a personality of it's own, due to the fact that this device never had a mother to teach it manners. Hence, our printer has developed a character which is decidedly negative. When we feed the printer, we do it carefully so as to avoid losing our fingers to its carnivorous jaws. The printer takes the paper and ink, leaving a small portion of it for our menial printing tasks, and grinding the rest into a fine powder which it contaminates with various horrible diseases and disperses into the atmosphere.
Our house used to be inhabited by several wonderful pets. We had a cat, two birds, five goldfish, a turtle and a dog... now only the dog remains. What became of all these beloved pets? I'll never know, but I will say that the printer seems to look a lot bigger than it did when we bought it. One morning I woke up to find that the printer had unplugged itself. There was blood on the chord and cat fur lying all around. It was apparent that the printer had used its chord to strangle the poor kitten. And where was the kitten? I can only assume that it was eaten by our printer. I was too scared to pick up the chord to plug it back in, but apparently the printer is now self sufficient, because it remains fully operational.
Late at night I hear the printer grinding and beeping in a way that seems to hint at some sort of foreign language. The recent increase of UFO sightings in my area has lead me to one single and shocking conclusion. My printer is a space alien, sent by other aliens as part of a massive plot to destroy the planet earth! Who knows how many others just like it have been released into the world, disguised as simple household devices, holding entire families in constant fear. We, as fellow human beings must join together to destroy these evil intruders! Root them out from the four corners of the earth and bring our planet once again to peace and security. If you or someone you know has experienced symptoms even remotely similar to the situation described above, please contact me immediately!
