Rude Customers

A short verse about rude customers.

Our customers are very rude
And so we serve them fatty foods
And then their arterys will clog
Their hearts will fail them in the night
It will not be a pretty sight

This is kinda funny but I think the last three lines sound a little unbalanced.

Anyways, next time, add some extra salt to these people's food. That might speed up the clogging.

No, Ares, cholesterol products and complex fats (i.e. grease, mayo, cheese, etc) will do the trick better

I don't even remember writing this.

Well lots of salt would make it taste bad too. So you could still use that as a way to get at em.

misspriss wrote:Our customers are [s]very[/s] awful rude
And so we serve them fatty food[s]s[/s]
And then their [s]arterys[/s] arteries will clog
Their hearts will fail them in the night
[s]It will not be a pretty sight[/s]It ain't gonna be a pretty sight.

Just those few suggestions. They're what came into my head as I was reading this. Yours was more grammatically correct and all, but I thought that the tone of this deserved an "awful rude" and an "ain't".

Thanks for the reminder about why I never want to work at McDonald's!

Colleen

I work at Subway and while I was reading this, I noticed a hint of familiar emotions towards rude customers. hehe

I thought it was weird that clog doesn't have a rhyming line.
Then I started thinging of words that rhyme with "clog" and how they could fit in.

In short, good choice not rhyming "clog" with anything.
Cute, funny, love it.

This was a funny little poem, It made me laugh and that makes it good!

I agree with the person who said you should use words like "ain't" and such, it would make it even more amusing than it is. And good gosh I wish I had your wit!!!! Also, remember to put a little spice into their food, to give them heartburn. *chortle*

*Snorts.* Amusing, and I know just the sort of person you're talking about. Of note, though: "arterys" should be "arteries."

Thanks everyone. Of course, I can't take credit for it, it was my sister's boyfriend who made it up while he was working. ;D He wanted me to put it on this site and see what people thought of it. I'll be happy to tell him!

Hehe, your sister's boyfriend is funny. ^_^

Tell him that he must come up with another rhyme for clog so he can have another line. It'll make everything sound so much better.

This isn't, like, amazing poetry or anything, but it's cute and it made me laugh, so you get a virtual gold star.

I really have nothing constructive to add. I agree with the people who've mentioned using a less formal tone. Cadmiums edits helped "clean things up" a bit, in terms of voice and tone.

I liked this.
Short.
To the point.
And also somewhat dark.

Maybe you could make it one or two verses longer? Add more detail and maybe even make it darker, like a sinister approach to the fast food industry?

Good though

It was funny but a little creepy. I'm never eating Mcdonalds again!
(Thats a lie, i can't resist fries and milkshake!)
~Charlotte~