This is the very beginning of my novel (I'm not sure how its going to be organized yet, so that will change). Its been very lightly edited. I want to know what you thought of it. Was it interesting? Did it grab your attention? Things like that. Please point out any grammar mistakes that you see because I'm horrible with grammar. Please let me know what you thought, and I'm open to any suggestions.
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The girl watched, eyes wide in fear and awe as the creature descended upon her. It was the most beautiful thing that she had ever seen, although terror clutched her and knotted the muscles in her stomach as it approached.
It was obviously human, but it kept changing. Portraying different faces, genders, and appearances. All the while it was painful for the girl to look at, she squinted her eyes to help protect them; not wanting to look away. The only light in the dark chamber was emanating from its skin, lighting up the girl’s pale face and hollow eyes.
It smiled mockingly as it looked upon the girl. At this cold look, the girl shuffled away; fear overcoming her awe.
You will listen and obey me. It's voice reverberated through her head: harsh and beautiful, burning her ears. The girl clutched her head trying to still the pounding waves that were traveling though her. She nodded, not wanting to anger it, or make it speak again causing the horrible echoes to start anew. It smiled at her wider and wider until the smile was merely a contortion of teeth. The girl shoved her fist into her mouth to muffle the scream of horror that tried to escape from her.
* * *
The soft blanket of night was settling over the still city. In past years the city would still have been alive filled with cheerful people celebrating the end of another days work. Now everybody was locked up in the relative safety of their homes by the time dusk fell. But there were always the reckless few that tested the dangers of the city.
One man was hurrying down the cobble stone street as the shadows lengthened. He stopped in front of one deserted alley. He wanted to get to the protection of his home as soon as possible, but he didn't want to risk whatever might be lurking in the shadows.
Swallowing and clutching the pendant that hung around his neck he stepped hesitantly into the shadowy alleyway. He strode down the alleyway choking down the fear that constricted his breath and screamed at him to run as fast as he could away from there.
A creature slowly awoke smelling the adrenaline and fear that passed its resting place. Its burning eyes narrowed to slits as it watched the panic-ridden figure hurry past. The creature rose to its full height, and crept along the wall until it overtook the man and was well ahead of him. It waited at the end of the alley while the man approached it. Its eyes burning a chaotic red as the man came nearer. The shadows that it seemed to be made of were boiling and shifting in the creatures frenzied excitement.
The man stopped dead in his tracks. He had reached the end of the alley.
"Goddess, help me," he whispered, his face ashen, knuckles white over the pendant he clutched. He turned and started to run the other way tripping and stumbling over his own feet in his terror.
The shadow thing, seeing that its prey was trying to escape, lunged at the man. He had time for one soft scream before he was completely enveloped by the angrily rolling shadows. The shadows eventually slowed as the thing sat without moving, slowly digesting its meal. Some time passed before the creature finally moved and returned to its hiding place dozing patiently.
* * *
Jenilyn sat with her knees resting on her chin while she watched the weak flickering flame that ate away at the candle stub. Her mother was humming quietly to herself, eyes glassy and staring but not seeing. Jenilyn's brother, Rion, was gone. He always left, sometimes it seemed like minutes and others hours. The constant dark had warped Jenilyn’s perception of time.
"Mother?" Jenilyn asked. A stutter in the quiet humming was her only reply. Jenilyn sighed, she hadn't heard her mother talk rationally in years or maybe it was days. It was impossible to tell.
A stuttering light appeared in the distance. Jenilyn sat up and watched its slow approach eagerly. Three shadows were illuminated. A small smile broke on her face as she recognized her brother. The other two were the soldiers or servants -- Jenilyn didn't know exactly what their role was -- who always escorted him away and back. The two men were whispering quietly, sneaking glances at Jenilyn as soon as she was visible.
Jenilyn wanted to throw herself into her brothers arms, but she resisted the impulse. Instead she stared at the two men. She had never heard them speak before and they had always acted as though they couldn't see her. Their sudden attention made her uneasy, and she looked at Rion an obvious question in her eyes; Rion only shook his head.
The two men lingered a minute or so longer before hurrying away, deep in discussion. Jenilyn waited until their light was lost from view before turning to her brother.
"What was that about?" Jenilyn asked.
"I don't know," Rion said, his brow furrowed in thought.
"Do you think that I might get to leave soon like you do?" Jenilyn said, eyes bright with excitement.
"I wouldn't wish something like that."
Jenilyn looked at her brother for a moment; studying his vacant expression knowing that he wouldn't say anything more. Eventually he turned over and closed his eyes. Jenilyn followed suit hoping that sleep would find her.
