The Ordinary Frog
Once Upon a Time...
Yep, you guessed it: In a Far Off Kingdom...
There was a frog. He was not a talking frog, or a frog prince, or a frog princess, or a frog that had been enchanted by an evil sorcerer, or even an especially wise frog who gave advice to princesses in despair. He was a frog that had originally been a tadpole. He was a sure-enough, real-life, all-together un-exceptional frog.
He was a good sort of frog in a general sort of way, as far as frogs go. He hopped, he croaked, he chatted in Frogian with other frogs, and he sat on lily pads. Of course, like all other frogs, he had some bad habits. For instance, he ate bugs. Can you imagine? What bad breath he must have had! Luckily, I never had to smell his breath. Anyway, as I said before, he was generally a good sort of frog, in a froggy sort of way. His desciption? Well, I guess you could say he was...green. He had a green body, and little purple splotches here and there on the legs, and a couple of warts on the snout. Not really one of those frogs that caught your eye and made you say; "Whoa! What is that thing?" For the purpose of convenience, I will say that this certain frog we have been discussing is named "Herbert." His real name, is, of course, T-2,346 (Tadpole-2,346) but I can't bother to write that out every time I wish to say his name. So for now, he will remain as; "Herbert".
Herbert was sitting on his favorite lily pad one day, amusedly watching the little tadpoles flitting around the roots of his pad. How amusing, he thought. The poor little tadpoles don't know what they're missing. Ho, for the life of a frog! You can hop, you can eat, you can croak, and in a little while, you can mate! While tadpoles can just swim. Poor things. He looked up to the side of the little pond and spotted a fly buzzing lazily nearby. His long tongue flicked out and snagged the fly. He slurped it in and his wide, slimy face grew more complacent and smiling than ever. Ho, for the life of a frog. He closed his great, bulbous eyes in a long, satisfied blink, and was about to doze off in the lovely morning sun, when suddenly he felt...something...wrap around his body and squeeze. He opened his eyes and croaked in alarm as he saw the disturbed water of the pond getting further and further away. He felt himself being lifted higher and higher, until finally he stopped. Water dripped down his long, dangling legs and into the pond. He wriggled and croaked, but whatever it was that had a hold of him was very strong. He finally stopped and looked up. He was staring into the biggest, ugliest face he had ever seen. He knew it was a human...one of those rich humans who lived in the big stone castle nearby. He had seen humans before; they often came down by the pond, talking and laughing. But whenever one saw a frog, they always squealed and jumped back. So what was this girl doing, picking him up and holding him at eye level? Herbert froze in terror as the face came closer and closer. He turned his head away and squeezed his eyes shut, certain that he was about to be eaten. Instead, he felt a strange sensation on his side, like the skin being pulled away slightly. Then the human looked at him for a moment. Herbert stared back, flabbergasted. After a few seconds, the girl's face clouded with anger. She dropped Herbert and scrubbed her face off with her sleeve. Herbert felt himself drop, down, down, down, until he landed on the surface of the water with bruising impact. He sank down to the bottom, then resurfaced, gasping and groaning at his bruises. He climbed up on the bank and watched as the girl who had picked him up ran off across the grass.
Very strange, Herbert thought. Strange, indeed. I shall have to ask The Grand Frog about this.
Herbert brushed himself off and dived into the water, paddling with his great froggy feet down, across the pond and into the home of the Grand Frog.
Rosamund Alicia Coromunda Griselda, the Royal Princess of the Kingdom of Pattapan, stomped into the royal castle and threw one of her heavy shoes onto the floor in anger. She pounded her fist on the wall and ground her teeth.
"Daddeeeeee!!! It didn't work!!!" she screeched up the stairs at the top of her lungs. Down the winding, wide royal staircase ran a small man, with a worried expression on his face.
"My angel...you mean-"
Rosamund glared at him. "Exactly. I kissed a frog, and it was disgusting, slimy, and gross. I did it for you, daddy, because you told me to, but it didn't work, and the stupid frog is still just a dirty old frog."
The man, who was, by the way, the King of Pattapan, wrinkled his eyebrows in thought.
"Well, darling, it must have been the wrong frog. I'm sure that witch told me there was an enchanted frog somewhere in that pond."
Rosamund sighed and rolled her eyes. "Daddy, when are you ever going to give up? I kissed a pig-boy one hundred times and he never turned into a prince. I sewed seven shirts out of nettles and threw them over seven swans, but they never turned into handsome young men. I gave my lunch to an old crone and she never offered to do wonders for me! Why can't we just go and find me a husband the regular way? You know, send out embassies and stuff?"
The king sighed.
"Oh, my darling, please! It would mean so much to your mother and I if you found a magical husband! Please, let's make a compromise. You go down to the pond, find a frog and kiss it every day. Just one frog per day. If you uphold that part of the bargain, I will send out embassies and attempt to find you a normal, unenchanted prince to marry. Is it a deal?"
Rosamund pulled at her lip. Finally she threw up her hands. "Oh, all right, you old-fashioned goose. Whatever you say!"
Rosamund gathered her skirts and ran upstairs to sulk, shaking her head at the foolishness of her father.
"What is it that you have come to see me about, my dear young frog? Something urgent, to get you off of your lily pad so early in the day."
The Grand Frog's croak was deep and rich, and it vibrated on the mud walls of his large house. He was sitting on a large couch made of grass and wet mud, his huge, bulky green body spread across it. His legs, fat from disuse, dangled down in front of him, and he stared calmly down at Herbert.
"Your Grandness...I have come to report a disturbing disturbance in the pond." He stammered back, his croak weak and scared.
"Well, then, tell on! Hurry up, it's almost time for my morning nap." The Grand Frog said, not unkindly. Herbert, encouraged by the Grand Frog's tone of voice, continued. He told the Grand Frog about his strange experience.
"So, your Grandness, what does this mean? Why are humans picking us up, where once they despised us?" Herbert finished his narrative anxiously.
The Grand Frog shifted his heavy, blobby bulk. He sat back and his face looked solemn for a moment. Then he held up a webbed finger.
"Ah! I have it...the royal princess has reached her Kissing Time!"
Herbert looked up, confused. "What?"
The Grand Frog smiled. "It's a strange thing these humans have. They think that by kissing a frog, they can turn it into a human."
Herbert frowned. "What's kissing?"
The Grand Frog rolled his eyes. "Never you mind. Nothing but a human quirk. The important issue is, however...what do we do? At this moment, we'll wait. Usually, a princess won't return to the same pond after a Kissing Failure. Perhaps she won't return here, either. Keep a sharp eye out and let me know if you see any more strange activity."
Herbert bowed, then hopped backwards out of the Grand Frog's house and back to his favorite lily pad. He stayed alert all day, but there was no sign of the princess.
The next morning, Herbert was up bright and early. He hopped a few times, stretching his legs, then settled down for a long watch. He snapped up the occasional fly, but generally he just waited, waited for a sign of a Kissing. After a bit, he spotted the princess, striding down with a determined, angry expression on her face. Herbert scurried into the weeds, hiding as best he could. The princess arrived by the pond and scowled around. Her eye landed on a large frog that was sitting unawares on a nearby lily pad. She lunged forward into the water, seized the frog and brought her face to the back of its' head. She waited a moment, then threw it down and wiped her hands and face with a towel she had brought, spitting occasionally. Herbert watched, wide-eyed, as she stormed out of the pond and back to the castle. When she was out of sight, he quickly hopped forward and helped the poor frog out of the water.
"What was that?" asked the stunned frog.
"Never mind," said Herbert shortly. "Just try to stay calm, it's nothing."
Herbert swam quickly back to the home of the Grand Frog.
"Your Grandness! She has returned! Rampaging and pillaging our peaceful frogs!" Herbert gasped out to the large frog sitting on the mud couch. The Grand Frog turned, blinking rapidly.
"She came back? That means she must know something. Perhaps she has heard somewhere that we had an enchanted frog in our pond!"
Herbert blinked. "What?"
The Grand Frog looked at him, waving impatiently. "No time for questions! Are there any newcomers to our pond? Any strange frogs?"
Herbert nodded. "Yes, a frog arrived earlier this week. He acted a little strange for a while, but he acclimated swiftly."
The Grand Frog nodded. "That's it! He must be the one! He is a prince, enchanted by some sorcerer or something. He's the one they want!"
Herbert hopped in place, eagerly. "So what do we do? What do we do? He'll want to be disenchanted. He'll want to be human again! How do we get the princess to kiss him?"
The Grand Frog stared at him sternly. "Go and find this strange frog and bring him to me. We will decide soon enough."
Herbert hopped meekly backwards, and as soon as he cleared the Grand Frog's doorstep, he ran around calling out, "Herman! Herman! The Grand Frog wishes to speak to you!"
(Herman was the name of the strange frog, you see.)
Herbert searched frantically for some time before he came upon the strange frog, sitting quietly in the reeds.
"Herman! Come on, his Grandness wishes to speak to us!"
Herman looked up. "Herbert? Is that you?"
Herbert nodded. "Of course it's me, who else would it be?"
Herman shook his head mournfully. "You all look the same to me," he said.
Herbert looked at him, then said hurriedly, "Well, come on, no time to lose! Let's go!"
The two frogs hopped quickly to the home of the Grand Frog. When they reached the doorway, the Grand Frog was waiting for them. He gestured them in impatiently.
"Come on, come on, then! You, young frog...you were originally a prince, weren't you?"
The Grand Frog demanded. Herman blinked.
"Yes, I was...how did you find that out?" He asked confusedly.
The Grand Frog leaned forward. "A princess is kissing frogs in this pond. We need you to go out and meet her so you can be turned back into a human and the princess will leave us alone!"
Herman's features looked as joyful as a frog could look. "Why, that would be wonderful! When does she come, usually?"
The Grand Frog nodded at Herbert. "Tell him."
Herbert looked at Herman. "She came at midmorning, last time. You should be waiting for her on the shore."
Herman nodded joyfully, beaming. The Grand Frog looked at him.
"We will be watching you...I have always wanted to see the Kissing Transformation process. It must be extremely interesting."
The two younger frogs hopped out, Herman chattering happily and Herbert listening patiently. The Grand Frog leaned back in his seat and popped another fly into his mouth. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
Rosamund Alicia Coromunda Griselda shoved her feet into her boots and tugged her golden curls roughly back into a tight ponytail. She was a beautiful princess when she smiled, but she almost never did. Especially not when she was about to go kiss a frog. For goodness sake; a frog! How idiotic could you get? She pulled the palace door open and stomped down through the field, the lovely warm sunlight doing nothing to soften her temper. She pulled up short at the ponds' edge and began searching for a frog - when she almost screamed with fright. There, on the bank of the pond in front of her, sat a frog. It sat quietly, staring up at her with it's big, bulging eyes. She bent down timidly and touched the frog on the head. It still sat complacently. She gently slid her hands under it and brought it to her face. Those great, staring eyes...ugh! She screwed up her face and plucked up her courage. Squinching her eyes tightly shut, she leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on the frog's head. Then she put it back on the ground and watched.
Hidden in the reeds, Herbert and his friends watched.
On the opposite bank, the Grand Frog watched.
In the pond, the tadpoles watched.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the Herman began to change. First, his skin became less warty, less green, and more tan and brown. He started to grow, larger, and larger, his green skin splitting and cracking. Nobody watching was quite sure how it happened, but suddenly, there lay on the ground a large, naked man. The princess stared, her hand at her open mouth in shock. She emitted a tiny squeak of surprise. Then the man turned and looked up at her. She gasped and pulled her coat off, throwing it over him. He snatched it and covered most of his body with it. She stared down at him. He stared up at her. Finally, he spoke, as if trying to recover a lost tongue.
"Thank you...for disenchanting me." He said, his voice low and harmonious. Rosamund Alicia Coromunda Griselda smiled at him enchantingly. He rose, clutching the coat to himself, and the two walked to the castle together, smiling at each other.
Well, what can I say? This is as far as my story goes, for this is the only part of the story I witnessed. I can't tell you whether Rosamund married Herman or not, or whether they lived happily ever after. I can't tell you who became the Grand Frog after the current one died. I can't tell you whether after that experience, Herbert was still the same frog as he was before. But, knowing Herbert, he most likely went back to hopping, croaking and eating. He was just an ordinary frog, after all.
The End
It made me laugh out loud a couple times.
