Magnolia

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 161
Feet traipse down the concrete, toes of shoes scuffing the rough grooves. Directly behind the park bench a Magnolia tree is sucking the life from the ground and taking it for its own use. I imagine its roots beneath my feet, forcing through the dirt, burrowing like some sort of frantic, crazed animal. Said roots rest for a moment, expanding and contracting slightly with panting, dog-like breath, only to seconds later resume their aggressive exploring. But of course, all of this happens underground and out of sight.

I draw my legs up to my chest and gaze across the way with glassy eyes, my chin on my knees. My fingers interlace on the other side of my folded legs and each hand holds the other tightly. The Magnolia groans in the breeze. The water sparkles across the pond in the distance in a shimmering strip of gold and I squint, my eyes aching from the bright light. The Magnolia similarly shakes.

He walks a good yard or so past the bench where I am planted before he stops, frowns, turns his head. I see his facial expression slide into a grimace, whether because of a sore neck or for his distaste at seeing me on the creaky wooden seat, I don’t know. Either way, he backtracks until he is in front of me, in line with the Magnolia and I. My eyes flick to him casually, then I gaze back at nothing as if he were not worthy of more than a glance. He hesitates, then sits down beside me. The bench howls under the added weight.

“Are you okay?”

I shrug with one shoulder, then the other, as though too uncoordinated to synchronize both shoulders at once.

“You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, right?”

I turn my head and rest my cheek on my knee. My face is pointed toward him, but I am avoiding his eyes and watching the processions of others through the park. The sweet, sticky buds are unfurling into wrinkly leaves, similar to any mammal infant; few things are beautiful the moment they are exposed to the world, and they usually take time to develop the radiance they will later posses.

“How are you parents doing?”

I close my eyes, but the orange and yellow of the sun shines through, making patterns on the inside of my eyelids reminiscent of the autumn foliage that will arrive in two seasons’ time. I allow my eyes to open again, and to focus on his nose rather than look him in the eye. A light trail of freckles climbs its way across the bridge.

“They’re fine.”

I am surprised at the sudden dip my stomach takes when I utter these quiet words. Unlike when you ride in a car and go over an unexpected hill and your stomach does a sort of back flip, my insides feel as though they are getting sucked down a round, dark hole, swirling dizzily in a whirlpool on the way down. The blatant lie tastes bitter on my tongue.

“And your sister—?”

“Perfect.” Never mind that her sobs bled through the wall between our bedrooms last night.

We sit in a silence, for him awkward, for I a sort of horrified stupor. My eyes stare straight ahead, glaze over.

“I’ll miss him. We all will,” he says.

My eyes round and look to his face. A blossom floats down from the Magnolia tree as a tear slides down my cheek.

The bench groans again and he slides over, closer to me. Instinct tells me to in return move farther from him, but my fingers, bent in among the folds of my pants, holding my legs to my chest, stay stationary as stone, and my feet don’t so much as twitch in reaction.

His arms wrap around me in a gentle, careful hug and my cheek is rubbing the shoulder of his shirt as I cry into his neck. There are no words as the wind picks up harder and we are lost in a shower of petals and blossoms that contain a hint of a pale pink blush.
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 67
I must say, I really really like your style in this piece, and your use of language. The setting description is good too; I can see it clearly in my mind. Your main character's characterization is well done as well, and her relation to the magnolia is beautiful literary device.

Here are some in-text comments/suggestions:

I imagine its roots beneath my feet, forcing through the dirt, burrowing like some sort of frantic, crazed animal. Said roots rest for a moment, expanding and contracting slightly with panting, dog-like breath, only to seconds later resume their aggressive exploring. But of course, all of this happens underground and out of sight.

As much as I like the images, I'm not sure if this is all that coherent with the rest of the story. I get what you're trying to say in relevance to how she's feeling, but I think the description is almost too intense for the style. Everything else is so passive and calm, and this isn't really working for me. But that's just me - I don't know everything!

The bench groans again and he slides over, closer to me. Instinct tells me to in return move farther from him, but my fingers, bent in among the folds of my pants, holding my legs to my chest, stay stationary as stone, and my feet don't so much as twitch in reaction.

'In return' isn't needed in the second sentence. Also, I don't think you need the phrase 'bent in among the folds of my pants', firstly because you already said it, but also because it takes out some of the commas in the sentence.


Also, who is the guy who sits next to her? I never really understood that - at first I thought it was a stranger in the park who saw she was sad, but then he was asking her personal questions about her family, so now I don't know who it could be. Maybe you could clarify a bit?

But in general, a very enjoyable piece to read. Thanks for sharing!
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6090
Reviews 1258
Ooh, Cass...your style is very good. It flows nicely and says a lot in a small space- a grand thing, I assure you. :wink:

There was a little confusion in the beginning paragraph, with comparing her feet to roots. There are conflicting descriptors in there, especially with the dog breath thing. What? Her feet are dogs? The words are pretty, but they don't make any sense. (This can be a good thing, but not when it's just plain gibberish. :wink:)

I do like the open-endedness of it all, although perhaps a stronger hint as to what really happened might be nicer. It's good to leave it open to interpretation, but then you get the slower-than-average-bears going, "Whaaat? What just happened?" and battering others with questions. Not a good response to a piece of writing.

I did like your character, though. She was identifiable, although nameless and pretty much...backgrondless. This story was all about the here-and-now, which had a nice effect on the emotions you were trying to portray.

Overall...good piece! :D
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
First off, I really liked this piece. I like the vagueness it has, and that the only real specific details you give us are about the Magnolia tree. It's like the tree is the main focus, even though it isn't, and that creates a neat effect. Anyway!

Feet traipse down the concrete, toes of shoes scuffing the rough grooves. Directly behind the park bench a Magnolia tree is sucking the life from the ground and taking it for its own use.


The whole part about the feet is just kind of out of the blue. It's really not related at all to the story. And my biggest pet peeve in literature is irrelevance. Unless it is the boy's feet, in which case specify that by saying "His feet traipse..."

A tiny, tiny bit of background on the man would be nice too. Just little something like "He hasn't talked to me in days" or "He's always trying to comfort me..." you know. Stuff like that.

You use "my eyes" a lot. Try to vary the phrase, using "my gaze," "my stare" and whatnot.

Otherwise, it was great. I liked it a lot. :}[/quote]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
You know how much I love your writing, so I won't go on about it continuously, otherwise, I would be repetitious. ;)

As for the story, I think that you take too much time describing the magnolia. I like the bursts of description that you used throughout the story, describing how the narrator's reactions mirror the magnolia trees (or vise versa) and I like that a lot better than the info dum (that's what it felt like, anyway) in the beginning. Trim down some of the fat in the first two paragraphs and it should be fine.

I sort of like the mystery behind who the "he" is (as far as "we're all going to miss him" I think the words are) but I would like to see a more concrete example, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, beautiful stuff as always. Write more! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics