Nutrition Facts on a Cup of Good Cheer

black balloons pop
splattering sin all over
this D-day parade, where we
march, skulls on baton heads,
our bloodshot eyes begging "heavenly light,
fall down on me." Trapped between two
of Hades's iron teeth, this city's
melting down beneath me: every
child is nameless, every thrust and blow
so shameless, just everyone blame this on
on the industry.

black balloons burst
splattering (spraying?) sin all over
this D-day parade, where we
march, skulls on baton heads,
our bloodshot eyes begging "heavenly light,
fall down on me." Trapped between two
of Hades's iron teeth, this city's
melting beneath me: Every
child is nameless, each thrust and blow
so shameless -- just everyone blame it on
the industry.

Just some quick suggestions.

Gosh, you're talented. Give me some of that.

Clever title, vivid, creative images ("melting city," ""Hades's iron teeth," "black balloons," "parade/baton," ooh, so good), and the final three lines caught my breath. It built, it rhymed, it hit me.

When I went back and read the final three lines again, however, the word "just" didn't sit well with me. Seemed awkwardly placed. What are your thoughts on switching "just" and "everyone"?

Also, I liked Cameron's suggestion for the first line of your poem. The alliteration there sounds better to my ear, it has more of an appeal.

Otherwise, top-notch work, Gummy.
Lyndsey

Hi there, Sara -


Some good stuff here.

Consider:

black balloons break
sin over D-day parades,
where we march, skulls
on baton heads, bloodshot
eyes begging "heavenly light,
fall down on me." trapped
between iron teeth: the city melting
below me; every child nameless,
every thrust and blow shameless,
just everyone, and no one
to blame this on but industry.

Take it or leave it.


Thanks for letting me read,
Brad

It's good. My suggestion would be to leave the last lines as they are. The "this" has to go there because it rhymes with shameless and nameless. I think those three lines are definitely the strongest, the climax of the poem. There's a sort of cynical sarcasm to them that sounds really great. I think the poem would flow better if the second line were taken out, not because it's a bad line but just because it would improve the rhythm. It's a very nice poem - keep working on it.

You always impress me with your writing. I rarely have anything to say to better them.

You have a lot of talent. You should consider mentoring. Really.

Keep it up.
Amego

The end rhyme...last lign, was kind of a shock and throws off the fealing a bit, but besides that very well done, congradulations
I love your choice of words and you syllabolic rise in the first half, good you didnt go to far with it.

keep writing and =) happy reading (=