why?

Why does the world turn?
why Is the grass green is it sick?
Why do wonders hide within the ferns?
Why do we call a young river a crick?

who painted the clouds in the sky?
who frosted the mountains?
who is death?
who makes the tears we all cry?

What is love?
what makes us hurt inside?
what made soapbars doves?
What make sthe places where i hide?

When did Daddy leave Mommy?
When did the moon start to hide his face?
when did the earth lose its shape?
When did the sky reach for the stars above?
When did truth leave love?

Where is Mommy?
Where are the dark trees she paints?
Where is her man who forever waits?
Where is Daddy?




......... How is Daddy Mommy,
heaven sounds great
i can't wait to see this place
I so dearly miss your face.......
come back to me, don't worry i'll wait

why Is the grass green [semicolon, comma, or period. Some sort of punctuation here] is it sick?

What make sthe places where i hide?

Watch for typos.

you rhyme now and then, but no pattern is present, which is disappointing because when you do rhyme it works nicely. Rather than going about it however and rhyming sometimes, than others not, rhyme with a patter or not at all.

The theme is worth while, and I like what you have going, but the language is dry and so the emotions don't really bust through. It's just a lot of questions. I'm sure Incan could come by and give you a better review, my words are always lacking when it comes to poetry. I think you could choose words to better describe your thoughts and make this more poetic, as it is poetry. Make it more than just questions, hide in the questions a young girls desperation for her father, and her confusion.

You do not want to just tell us how you feel, you want us to also feel it. Oh, and the emoticon (The smiley) is too much, but you are new so I shall pardon it Anyhow, welcome to the site! Glad to be at your service.

Since you are new, if you would like a critique or some help with something or a person to talk to, feel free to PM me.

Oh, that's so sad. I almost, cried, and it takes a lot for me to do that. The only mistakes are the ones Claudette pointed out, and please capitalize your 'I's.

Otherwise it's great, very emotional.

who painted the clouds in the sky?
who frosted the mountains?
who is death?
who makes the tears we all cry?

^I absolutely love this verse. Sorry, just had to point this out.

~~Wings

This was certainly very emotional, and I liked the unique way you explained through questions, rather than simple sentences, up until the last verse. You clearly have an instinctive grasp of some of the essentials here:

1. Your rhyming is very natural, when it occurs, even if it is erratically placed.
2. You know how to express yourself in a particular form without distorting the meaning.
3. Your final verse shows a sense of the dramatic (always helpful) and (more important) an inkling of how to end a poem with flair.

So kudos!

There are some things I think you could work on though.

First of all, there is something missing in the way you addressed the reader here. Asking questions is all very well, but it does get a bit repetitive after a few lines! Also, none of the questions seem to be thematically linked to the rest - i.e. they explain the child's bewilderment, but not coherently. In a way, this contributes to the formation of the character and scene; however, as it stands I do think it makes the poem seem amateurish and hard to follow. What I would advise is editing each verse and perhaps deciding on a particular idea you want to convey in each one. Then you can write around that idea, and perhaps connect each verse in the way you express them. I would also reduce the number of questions to one or two per stanza, as over-crowding lessens their impact.

Secondly, perhaps I'm being picky here but I found the poem too simplistic. True, you are conveying a child's conception of death and heaven - but at the same time, there is no deeper content than that. There is nothing to make an older reader see it and find something unique or essential in what you are saying. Or, as I like to put it, there is no "aha!" moment at the end I think you perhaps need to work on exploring this theme a bit more, and perhaps making your descriptions a bit less prosaic (i.e. like Claudette said, a bit more poetic).

I do think you've done quite well with this piece though. A bit of polishing and it could be really awesome

Cheers,
~bubbles

PS: Welcome to YWS!

I really liked it
everybody corrected it and such
and I AM CRYING
it's six thirty in the morning (six heure et demie for the French Speaking)
... wow...
I hear a little girls voice in my head

oui oui! thanks for all the help guys, i'm just getting into poetry

blackwings_angel:


I do mean to be harsh.

There must be 10,000 poems on the internet that are indistinguishable from this.

The innocent boy/girl who loses his/her closest relatives, the questions asked to escape from reality - this is cliche, cliche, cliche. It's a heavy handed attempt to generate sympathy for an abstraction - the missing parents and frightened/confused child.

Anybody can ask questions of the world. What will make your poetry worth more than junk is answering them.

If you want to elevate your work above its current level, that would not be such a bad place to start.


All the best,
Brad

some of the ligns/questions are answerable by simple logic... maybe you should state more original and not so predictable questions

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

I believe it's good, but it lacks color in my oppinion. There's emotion, but where's it coming from. When I think of emotional poetry I think the write should feel that way. I know you and I don't see how you feel the way the poem is. If I'm wrong I'm sorry, thats just how i look at it.

What make sthe places where i hide?

Move the s!

Apart from that this was very emotional, lol it hit a spot! Keep writing!

miyaviloves

Ive read many a question poem and hated them all. You ask many questions but dont provide answers, surrendering all meaning of a poem - I understand you have tried to provoke thought but it didnt seem to work.

If you are content on reading question poetry, search "What were they like" - I cant remember the poet.