Wow I love it. I can feel the emotion when i read it as well. It gave me chills. I really enjoyed reading it. What I would give to be able to write as well as you do.
"This was my first bus ride."
----Ardeth Bay from the Mummy Returns
I liked it alot. I think you should break up some of the longer lines.
Quote "in magazines now, partnered to happily-ever-after cautionary tales"
Should be split after the comma.
Quote "and no quantity of granules sprinkled over wet-spotted pillowcases "
Should be split after garnukes.
It just a suggestion so you don't have to split tje lines if you don't want to.
If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet. — Neil Gaiman
