A Smile, a Blonde, and a Homecoming Dance

Alteran · 2006-12-07T04:52:13Z

Alice. She is the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet. Maybe even the galaxy. I always flirted in my own way. A witty comment, a tiny wink (though that might have been a little creepy at the time), anything to get her attention on me. But alas, she did not feel the same for me. At least I do not think she did. I never got a direct answer. Even when I said flat out, “You know I like you, right?” It was always the same. “Like, what are you talking about Adam?” she would say in a stupid blonde voice and with a hair flip to tie the package together. And, as with any crush, there was always someone else. Losers usually. We had one class together. She was usually talking with her girlfriends while I did something…important. Yeah, important. But today all she had was me. Her usual cheerfulness was gone, so as a good friend I asked, “What’s wrong?” “It’s nothing. Boy troubles,” she said. “You want to tell me about it?” I had opened a can of worms. Terrifying flesh-eating worms. She went on and on and on and on about her latest boyfriend and how terrible he was and all he wanted was sex and blah blah blah. I smiled through it all. At last the bell rang. The sweet piercing sound finally shut her up. “Thanks Adam. You’re such a good friend.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! A friend. Words of death that sank metal deep into my heart. Now what was I going to do? I had entered the “Friend Zone” A place from which you can never return. A few days later the metal sank a little deeper. I was sitting at the lunch table with my acquaintance, David talking about one of my best friends Fidel. At last, he liked someone. He would not tell anyone who though. At least he liked someone and everyone assumed it was girl. I was wondering since he never did act interested in girls but it does not really matter now. “Has he told you who it is yet?” I asked. “No.” He was totally lying. I invented that guilty lie voice. “You know. Come on, tell me.” “I can’t. Fidel asked me not to.” “Why?” “I don’t know.” “Give me hint,” I said, trying to force it out of him. Annoying him enough might give it away. David was never good at holding up against pressure. “Just one. She’s blonde and short.” And another knife hit me in the chest. My best friend likes the same girl I like. How interesting. No wonder he wouldn’t tell me who it was. Not a big deal. So he likes her. So he won’t look me in the eye. So he’s avoiding me. So I want to snap him in half. What? No I never thought that. I was fine for a while. Until Fidel took the knife in my chest and stabbed it into my back. He asked her to go to Homecoming. She said yes When I found out I could feel the heat rise in my neck. My face getting redder, my fists clenching, my blood pumping faster and faster. I wanted to kill him. Break his scrawny little neck. So I smiled and let my blood pressure get far too high for someone of my age. I wouldn’t be a jealous friend. Not to his face at least or to anyone else save a few people. We had a week until Homecoming. I was slowly trying to cope with this latest atrocity but it wasn’t going well. After three years of flirting and hinting and flat out telling her how I feel I’m outdone by a person who is almost exactly like me except he’s shorter and speaks Spanish. Many of my friends told me I just wasn’t her color. It was time. Saturday night I got dressed nice and spiffy. A little cologne, a quick shave, and I was off. It had become a sort of tradition to meet at Alice’s house before these school functions. She had a lot of friends and we always met to eat dinner before we went. Lucky for me there were people to keep me distracted from the two health hazards. Once dinner was eaten (It was delicious by the way) we headed for the high school cafeteria. Inside it was decorated with tin foil stars, a shiny mirror ball, and glow sticks everywhere. We picked a table where we sat for at least thirty minutes. I had one up on Fidel. I danced. He didn’t. Alice liked to dance too but she must have felt tied down to Fidel. I had loads of fun. Showed off a bit, trying to lure her out a little. It didn’t work very well. I went for a drink after about two hours and upon my return they had become glued together by the face. It seemed pretty permanent. I thought I had managed to get passed my feelings of jealousy, but seeing them made me want to bash his head against the wall. I smiled and turned around and headed into the crowd. A smile on my face. Funny how a simple smile can hide everything you’re really feeling. Or maybe people really don’t care. I can tell a fake smile from a real one. Most people probably can too but just don’t want to. I sat down somewhere else. Chugging the nasty punch I had just got. “Hey Adam,” called my friend Steven, “Come over here.” I pout on the smile and headed in. He was standing with his arm around some girl I had never met before. He pointed and raised his eyebrows up and down. It wasn’t hard to figure out what he was doing. It was his game, “Try to Get Adam Laid.” I found it to be pretty funny when it started but now all I could think was Dumbass . I rolled my eyes and walked away. I really didn’t care anymore. I only wanted one person. But she was to busy with someone else, as usual. “Dude,” said Steven, “What’s wrong with you. She was hot!” “I don’t care,” I said, “Not tonight anyway.” “Whatever.” He left. I looked for a ride home all night after wards. Alice was my ride but I didn’t want to ride with her. It would just be uncomfortable. For me. “Ready Adam?” The fates had conspired against me. Alice was ready and so was I. She kissed Fidel good night before getting in her Explorer and started to take me home. I kept my happy act as long as possible but I was to tired to care anymore. “Did you have?” she asked. What do you think? “Yeah.” “You don’t sound to happy.” Really? “No I’m fine” “Come on and tell me what’s wrong” You are driving me crazy “It’s nothing, really, I’m fine” The Explorer stopped. “Get out,” she demanded. “What!?” “You heard me.” “Why?” “Because you’re being an ass!” It was only a few miles to home. I could make. I got out and started walking. If only I didn’t care about her feelings, or Fidel’s. But I did and even though it hurt me and sent my blood pressure into the sky I wouldn’t tell her how I felt. It was cold. And dark. Orange groves on one side and forest on the other I was positive a deer would eat me. I had made it across the intersection. Just a few more miles left when the Explorer pulled up beside me. The door opened. “Get in this truck right now!” Screeched Alice. I could have been stubborn but I was cold. “Why did you get out?” she asked once I was in. “Because you said to.” “Did I have a gun?” “No.” “Never get out unless you have gun to your head.” Finally I was home. The day was over. I came out of it colder and with newfound fears of deer and darkness. I climbed in bed, telling my mother only the necessary details to make her happy. A smile on my face. I have never regretted that night. Alice and I have never talked about what happened much and I’ve never told her what was wrong with me. Maybe I never will. Maybe…

First off, you make refrence to knives a BITTT much here. I'm not saying it makes the piece horrible because actually I quite liked it, just lay off of repeating things so much because it is boring for the reader to read that over and over. We need some new words to get us visualizing more.
"I had opened a can of worms. Terrifying flesh-eating worms. " Here... I don't know if this fit with what you were trying to imply. I've heard the saying but it sounds so gruesome put here. You could just leave thta line out all together or phrase it differently.
Also,keep from adding little comments like this all the time "(It was delicious by the way)" they are just uneccesary at some points especially when the story gets more serious and interesting (like here). However, at some points they can make me laugh and are quite useful. Here, it just didn't fit.
'I udnerstand that that is part of your writing style and believe me, I really love your writing style, but at some points it was a bit much. Focus on telling your story in the middle.
This line was good, "Funny how a simple smile can hide everything you’re really feeling."
AMAZING line, I adored it, "It was his game, “Try to Get Adam Laid.” I found it to be pretty funny when it started but now all I could think was Dumbass. "
This was my fave paragraph,
"“Ready Adam?” The fates had conspired against me. Alice was ready and so was I. She kissed Fidel good night before getting in her Explorer and started to take me home. I kept my happy act as long as possible but I was to tired to care anymore. "
By the way, if this was based on a true story, you made yourself too there for her. She wanted someone who could chase after her. Or you should've just asked her out and got it over with... don't see what you were waiting for.
Overall: I thought it a true piece of art, beautiful, amazing, inspiring. The topic was greta and I felt real emotion and truth behind it.
Great job.
8.5/10

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