The knife

Sitting alone in my room,
The telly blares and the radio goes boom,
It's all getting way too much,
I see the knife and make a clutch,
I hold it in my shakey hand,
want to escape from this aweful land,
School getting way too hard,
chucked out of school and completely barred,
friends always letting my down,
I used to smile, now, only frown,
I take the knife and put it to my arm,
the knife peirces my skin, I think no harm,
the blood drips down and I feel relief,
but the guilt rushed through me, just like a thief,
but instead of money, the theif is taking my life,
i pull it away, and drop the knife,
As i reach to pick it up, I decide there and then,
tonight i will die, never live again,
I take a deep breath, and dig the knife in,
right to my heart, now I win,
I feel my self gasping for breath,
goodbye, dear world, this will be my death!

That is one depressing poem. Seriously, why are you writin about someone commiting suicide. Why don't you write about, like, someone smelling a flower or something.

*sighs* ah, well, let's get on with the critique.

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that the ryhming in this poem is extremely foced. I mean it too. Here are two examples:

the blood drips down and I feel relief,

WHY ARE YOU FEELING RELIEF?!? Are you relieved that you are hurting yourself, or something? I mean, maybe this would do near the end when the person is dying, but not here!

The telly blares and the radio goes boom,

HELLO! This is exactly what I'm talking about in forced poetry! Who uses the word "telly"? *sighs*

Not only is it the forced poetry, but I intend that you proof read it, or at least use spell check, next time...

but instead of money, the theif is taking my life,

Change "theif" to thief. You spelled it right in the line before it, but not in that one. Go figure.

I feel my self gasping for breath,

Myself is one word, not two. Change it, no questions asked.

friends always letting my down,

Change my to me. My is possesive, while me is first-person narrative.

Also, just a few things that I though made absolutely no sense at all. You've gotta change these. They can ruin a poem.

but the guilt rushed through me, just like a thief,
but instead of money, the theif is taking my life,

Earlier on in the poem, you told the reasons why you were commiting suicide. Now you are saying that guilt is killing you. You said absolutely nothing about guilt. HELLO?!?

School getting way too hard,
chucked out of school and completely barred

You just said school was hard, and now you're saying that you got kicked out of school. The two contridict each other. Change either one of them, or both.

I think you should dump this poem. It's got too many problems to fix. It would be worth it to either pick a different subject, or start the poem from scratch. Anyway, work on your poetry skills. Better luck next time!:)
~lilizard was here

Whoa lillizard -- are you channelling Incan or something? You're being a bit harsh there mate. Maybe tone it down just a little, OK?

Hello xlilxzox, welcome to YWS! It's nice to see some new faces on here Dont mind lillizard, I think he's been taking grumpy pills ^_^

Suicide is a difficult topic to write about without coming off as melodramatic and silly. I commend you for the attempt, but as yet you have not (in my opinion) managed to present a coherent and/or intelligible portrait of depression, self-harm or death. I'm going to go through the poem quickly with you - typos and spelling errors will be corrected in bold, but everything else I'll try to explain why I have a problem, OK?

Sitting alone in my room,
The telly blares and the radio goes boom,

I dont object to the use of "telly", but I do object to the use of "boom". Why? Well, have you ever heard a radio boom? No, seriously. Unless you're living in a war zone, few things actually go BOOM in ordinary life.

Because this is such an unusual word, it comes off as sounding (a) desperate to rhyme (and thus awkward) and (b) funny. I know - I find something funny in a poem about suicide. This is not good. If I were you, I'd change this word pronto

It's all getting way too much,
I see the knife and make a clutch,

Oh no! I'm laughing again. I may just have a perverse sense of humour, but there's something about that last line that tickles me. This is because - well, the ending of the sentence is simply the wrong way around. Do you know anyone who would ever actually say something like "make a clutch"? Other than someone who builds cars, that is Yeah, me neither. Once again, it looks to me like you're trying to force a rhyme, and in doing so you're sacrificing the coherency of your poem -- that is, you're mixing up the words to get a rhyming one on the end, which makes the poem hard to understand. Dont do it!

I hold it in my shaky hand,
want to escape from this awful land,
School getting way too hard,
chucked out of school and completely barred,

I second lillizard's observation here. If school [is] getting way too hard, one assumes you are at school -- but then you tell us you've been expelled. To fix this, I would suggest "School was getting way too hard/so they chucked me out: I'm completely barred". Which will at least make sense

friends always letting me down,
I used to smile, now, only frown,
I take the knife and put it to my arm,
the knife peirces my skin, I think no harm,

Part of the problem here is that you're ditching grammar to keep with the rhythm. I commend your sense of timing - I certainly cant fault you there. But unfortunately losing the grammar gives your poem an amateurish feel and makes it obvious ot the reader that you're desperately trying to keep in time. Messing with grammar and sentence structure is OK for poets like Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson and all, but at our level I personally think it's better obeyed (at least most of the time) unless it adds something to the poem's meaning to forego it. Here, it adds nothing. So I would suggest that if it doesnt fit with grammar, find another way to say it -- dont munt the sentences!

the blood drips down and I feel relief,
but the guilt rushed through me, just like a thief,
but instead of money, the thief is taking my life,
I pull it away, and drop the knife,

Problem 1: in the second line of this section, you switch suddenly to the past tense ("rushed" means to have rushed -- i.e. an action previously completed). The rest of your poem is in the present tense (something that is happening now). So this should be "rushes".

Secondly, I'm really not getting a sense of the narrative flow here. The blood is dripping from the woud - OK. The poet feels relieved? Why? Because it releases her emotions? Explain this please. Also, why is she feeling guilty? Why is guilt taking her life? In other words, wah-huh? I dont get it. And I need to get it. Because you're not just writing for your own entertainment here -- you're writing for my edification as well. So I need to get what you're saying, and right now, I dont.

As I reach to pick it up, I decide there and then,
tonight I will die, never live again,

Uh oh, I'm giggling again. Just a little bit though. Firstly -- why does she decide to die now? I thought she was feeling guilty about that? Your narrative is all over the place and I feel lost! Second -- "live again"? That's the part that made me smile. Your phrasing implies that we die and then live again, and your poet is choosing not to do so. Change this please

I take a deep breath, and dig the knife in,
right to my heart, now I win,
I feel my self gasping for breath,
goodbye, dear world, this will be my death!

A dramatic ending, to be sure, but why do I care? No, I mean it. You have to convince me that I care about this person who is crippled by her emotions. What is she feeling? Why? Dont just tell me - show me. Make me feel it with her.

Basically, I think your main problems here are:

1. Rhyming. It does sound forced, and the fact that you have to ditch grammar and syntax to make it work is never good. A good rule of thumb is: if it doesnt make sense, dont do it! I recommend to you what I recommend to many young writers -- try free verse for a while, until you get the hang of things. It's easier and less constrictive, and helps develop your creative senses. Trust me -- I used to write rhyming poetry. And my stuff was really, really bad. But since I changed to free verse I've improved loads, and now I dont want to go back

2. Rhythm. As I said before, you clearly have a great sense of rhythm and timing. Unfortunately, the rhythm you have chosen -- or the rhythm which lends itself to your rhyme scheme - is in my opinion entirely wrong for the subject matter of this poem. Suicide needs to be handled gently, intelligently and above all with sensitivity, and rhyming poetry (again, in my opinion) really isnt cut out for the job. Why? Because it lends itself to a sing-song style which cheapens the topic and makes it seem light and frivolous, even when it is intended to be deadly serious. So, if I were you, I'd revise this in free form and see what happens. You might be surprised!

3. Subject matter. I dont mean to be rude, but from the style of your poem I'm guessing you've not literally attempted suicide. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but at the moment your poem remains on the surface -- it attributes the action to trouble at "school" and with "friends" but it does not address, to my mind, any deeper psychological issues or emotions. I'm not saying you should try it just so you can write about it properly - god no. But I do think that you should perhaps wait until you're ready to write about suicide on a deeper and more empathetic level before you use it as the subject of your poems. Plus, horrible as it sounds, **fakes accent** suicide is, like, sooo cliche. LOL. But it is. So you might want to try branching out a bit if you really want to distinguish yourself here

Overall, though, it's nothing time and experience wont fix. Hang around here long enough and you're bound to become a great poet, whether you want to or not, LOL. I hope I havent come across as too harsh, the last thing I want to do is make you think you have no talent! As I said I do admire your grasp of rhythm, which is a major part of good poetry. I think if you really commit yourself to improving you'll be writing some great poems in no time

Will look forward to seeing you around - dont hesitate to look me up if you want any tips or need help with anything.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Dont mind lillizard, I think he's been taking grumpy pills

You're taking grumpy pills! =P

But unfortunately losing the grammar gives your poem an amateurish feel and makes it obvious ot the reader that you're desperately trying to keep in time.

Ha! You spelled to "ot". Nyah nyah! Srry, you critiqued my critique, and now I'm gonna critique yours. Srry, xlilxzosx, I guess we kinda got off on the wrong foot. My name is little lizard, and my critiques are usually not this harsh. In fact, that's probably the harshest critique I've ever given. I'm sorry. I second bubbles in saying that you might be able to fix the poem. Good luck.
lillizard wuz here

p.s. If you need smiley help, I'm always here.

well there's not much that was left out by bubbles and lillizard, but one of my major problems was this poem, coming from someone with a whole host of issues centering around depression, is it sounds like you don't really get it. i didn't empathize with the narrator at all.

i understand where you're coming from with the guilt (maybe) but you have to work it in in an intelligent way.

i agree with lillizard about dumping the poem. you could try to write another one with the same idea, but it's probably not worth the effort.

-Pushca

looks like you got all the critique from everyone else, so on a more positive note for a depressing story -gofigure- i liked the theme, though sad, it was an understandably thought out theme and that makes it good, but i agree with her^ above you should write about flowers...

well anyways keep writing and
=) happy reading (=

thansk...i know it was rubish, and im not an expert at poetry(stories ar emy best thing) or suicide, it was a kind of a spur of the moment thing, you know what i mean...thanks anyway!

'Sitting alone in my room,'

Never, ever, ever use these words in this sequence again.