hay swain

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Caligula's Launderette
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Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:17 am
Caligula's Launderette says... · Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:17 am
hay swain

two sit entwining hay, golden flax spinning into rope between their fingers,
the quietus of an autumns day settling like the lord’s mantle on their shoulders.

and she sings a hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny nay
her voice like daisies in spring.
and he replies a hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny yea
and she smiles underneath her frown,
as if she could cleave the cords they weaved together.

he places a dandelion behind her right ear,
as he whispers in her left a hey nonny nonny yea.


and under the greenwood tree they lay
as they too have forgotten the passing of the day.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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Firestarter
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Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:06 pm
Firestarter says... · Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:06 pm
Cal, I liked this -- the quaintness of it all, sounding like it's from the sixteen century or something -- the subtle references to the sexuality of it all, from "entwining" and "weaving" to the the "hey nonny nonny". It all seems rather old, with obsolete language. But everything fitted together well, there wasn't anything extra that needed cutting and it all contributes.
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Poor Imp
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Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:27 pm
Poor Imp says... · Wed Dec 06, 2006 7:27 pm
I don't want to reiterate Jack, because that would be a dull comment here doubtless. ^_^

But I've got nearly the same impression. Nothing out of place; I loved the rhythm, rhyme--it felt like the setting, atmosphere, loose and even--the ay rhyming gave it a song-like lilt. Despite the pleasant pace, there's seems to be a tension there--after I read it aloud once--nay and yea and the shortening between beginning and end, that keeps it from simply falling off its own pleasantness. ^_^
Last edited by Poor Imp on Thu Dec 07, 2006 9:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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bubblewrapped
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Thu Dec 07, 2006 12:01 am
bubblewrapped says... · Thu Dec 07, 2006 12:01 am
And I'm left with absolutely nothing left to say, LOL, except that it was very well done- I think my favourite of your poems so far. I love the deceptively quiet rhythm and the way it compliments the scene, the simplicity, the use of old language...basically what they said, hehe. Kudos on an awesome piece!
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xanthan gum
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Thu Dec 07, 2006 2:01 am
xanthan gum says... · Thu Dec 07, 2006 2:01 am
Hey nonny nonny yea, you're a beautiful writer. And uh.. Penny Lane? Big fan.
Carpe Diem.
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deleted6
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Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:27 am
deleted6 says... · Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:27 am
My second name Swain anyway on with critique. It seem very beautiful but the hey nonny part makes me laugh sorry if it not suppouse to. Apart from that it all seems good sorry can't say more.
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Cameron
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Fri Dec 08, 2006 7:05 pm
Cameron says... · Fri Dec 08, 2006 7:05 pm
This is beautiful in its simplicity. My only suggestion is that you incorporate ryhme a little more evenly throughout the entire poem--and not just the last two lines. Perhaps the first two as well?

Cameron
The individual leads in actual fact a double life, one in which he is an end to himself and another in which he is a link in a chain which he serves against his will or at least independently of his will.
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Mr. Everyone
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Sat Dec 16, 2006 9:15 am
Mr. Everyone says... · Sat Dec 16, 2006 9:15 am
beutifull, and great use of conversational tone between characters

Congradulations!

keep writing and =) happy reading (=
~Everyone~

=) *wave*
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Caligula's Launderette
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Sat Dec 16, 2006 9:18 am
Caligula's Launderette says... · Sat Dec 16, 2006 9:18 am
Thank you all oh so very much! :D

Cameron, you might try looking for the internal rhyme that is in the first two lines.

*HUGS Gummy* Yes! But this, I'm afraid is a product of reading too much Andrew Marvell, and him changing my voice; the nutter.
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

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