And they Call the wind Maria...

The title is taken from the song, Maria, from Paint Your Wagon.

The poem itself is a bit tweaky and here and there but I've been crying... give me another break...

I felt the need to write this poem after tonight happened... I hope you all enjoy it.
-----

You're the best friend I've had in-
in quite a while. And I just want you to know
that I will protect you no matter what happens.
If anything happened to you, I will never--
I repeat, never forgive myself.

If it interferes with our relationship,
if it interferes with my personality
and it seems that I don't love you anymore
I do. And I always will, Elizabeth.
This is temporary, this medication because
My mom wants me to get better grades, and stuff,
but my dad said I didn't need it.
I chose to take it.

I want to travel to France, I want to get away,
away from here, away from home.
I want to die silently because I am so annoying,
and I know I am, and don't tell me otherwise.
I want to make everybody happy, so I will go away.

If anything happens to me before then,
promise if anything happens to me before then,
you will not cry for too long? I mean,
I don't know how the pill will change me, for better
or for worse. Just know that I will still be here.
You know, in your heart. I'll be the lining around it,
so I can hug your heart.

If I die I will be the whisper in the wind,
and only you will be able to hear me, because
I know how much you love standing outside
and listening for nothing. You're an observer, you said.
And I will not forget you, and I will never leave you.
Wind never dies, Elizabeth...

Olin...

that reminds me of a peom iv read before, dont know where, bt its good!has anything like it been done before, you know with some of the same lines, or the same title, dont know whaere iv reconised it from

Well the title was from a song in Paint your Wagon... I'm not sure how cliche'd this is, but yeah.

It's pretty out there, I'm open for all suggestions, not like anybody will read it...

Okay i like this Olin seems to really like you you've got a friend for life darling. Anyway i can't see much wrong with this sorry i told you i'm a rubbish critque.

Hi, Elizabeth -


I hope not too many potentially useful electrons were sacrificed in the creation of this--an evaluation you appear to share.

Do you have anything you'd like to workshop that you feel is worthwhile for your readers to consider?


All the best,
Brad

I had to read this because that song is how I got my horse's name (Mariah) but any ways I liked your overall theme but you might want to make it more like a poem and less like a narrative. Or you could put it in the short story section.... your choice.

theme was good maybe keep off the conversational tone with this time of poetry and keep the use of the word stuff to a minimal

Hm... I've been thinking about this poem today, and I'm still trying to digest it. I'll come up with something tomorrow, but know that I'm not abandoning you, Elizabeth!

lather RINSE repeat

Agh, shoot me.
Freaking shoot me...
Right here in the head.

This is the last poem for a while.
... Might be the last one forever.
Thanks for being so helpful.
*prints out a piece of paper and soaks in tube* That ******* sucks.

Eep! I read your blog, so I hope you get a chance to read it. Then again, I can probably find a way to bug you, so ha!

One of the things that struck me when I read this poem was how... unpoetic it was. I suppose, that was the weird thing about reading it. I considered myself familiar with your style, and this poem threw me off a bit.

I say it was unpoetic -- perhaps that's not the right word. It was not pretty in that an ornate picture is. Instead of gliding along a smooth surface, full of rich metaphors and stunning words. Rather, it was a simple, declaration of love that had some surprising amount of truth. With the repetition and almost stuttering way of stating the words, it seemed as if you were saying it orally instead of trying to impress anyone else with it, as if you didn't give a damn on what other people said. And that's pretty cool.

With that said, it still sounds a little rough. It's like, you don't want to make it too familiar and you want to stick with the style you know and love, but I think you're style is changing (for better or worse) because you're changing. Don't hang too hard on an old style or else you'll never improve!

So make this a little easer to say out loud. Like I said, one of the reasons why I like this little poem is because it's just a simple declaration of love. Not Brad's cup of tea, but oh well! I'm not Brad. So make it more so. Read it out loud and see what flows and what doesn't. Make it a little more colloquial to give it a more easier feel, as if anyone can say it.

Shall we go a little more in depth?

You're the best friend I've had in-
in quite a while. And I just want you to know

I admit, this surprised me when I first read it because of the stutter, and because of the starting line, some people may be slightly put off with the poem. I would suggest adding another line to the poem's beginning. Now, be true to the way YOU would talk, but if I were to write this, I might say, as a starting line:

"I have to admit:"

Or something like that. Now, I have a different way of saying things and my way is much less poetic than yours. Listen to your own ear, but try to come up with a different line that hooks. That way, the stutter isn't there in the forefront, but is still there as a reminder of the simple declaration. I love saying those words, lol.

that I will protect you no matter what happens.
If anything happened to you, I will never--
I repeat, never forgive myself.

Perhaps I'm too nosy, but I sort of want to know what "anything" could be. Maybe be a little bit more specific there?

If it interferes with our relationship,
if it interferes with my personality
and it seems that I don't love you anymore
I do. And I always will, Elizabeth.

This was slightly confusing for me because I sort of know you, so I'm wondering who the narrator is now. It sounds like you're talking to yourself, for me. For someone random, I don't know what this effect would be. In any case, I don't particularly care for these lines. I think you can say this in a better, less cliched way in the end. Perhaps you can play around with that?

This is temporary, this medication because
My mom wants me to get better grades, and stuff,
but my dad said I didn't need it.
I chose to take it.

I actually really liked these lines because they're so different. And medication is normally considered a horrible thing in my family, so the flippancy you deal with it here, combined with an inescapable sadness, makes this really deep for me. I like it... it's juicy.

The first two lines I love and would not change. The next two lines I would change, if only just a little. I would make it easier to say. Like I said, the reason why I liked these lines was because it was dealt with in such an ordinary way. Because of this, I think the ending line to this, "I chose to take it," should be less final. It should be said in a more flippant way, and that would make it stand out even more.

I want to travel to France, I want to get away,
away from here, away from home.
I want to die silently because I am so annoying,
and I know I am, and don't tell me otherwise.
I want to make everybody happy, so I will go away.

I didn't quite like these lines. I would rather see more conflict be developed in a more flippant way, if that makes any sense. Going to France doesn't seem to connect with being annoying, so you're going to want to combine the two ideas together better.

Maybe?

I want to make everyone happy, so I'll go away,
I always wanted to go to France...

I don't know. That's just a start because I don't want to plant words in your mouth. But a topic sentence (hahah, we love story writers) might be needed.

If anything happens to me before then,
promise if anything happens to me before then,
you will not cry for too long? I mean,
I don't know how the pill will change me, for better
or for worse. Just know that I will still be here.
You know, in your heart. I'll be the lining around it,
so I can hug your heart.

This is much better than the stanzas above it, but I like the pill stanza better. Still! Rewriting is good for the soul.

In this case, I think that instead of going for the definite with "the pill" I would just say "it." And that makes it a little more abstract, but sometimes that can be a good thing! I mean, if this pill is for ADD or something, then I would rather have a sort of vacant feeling for this poem.

As far as the heart... I would take the second heart out. Too repetitious!

If I die I will be the whisper in the wind,
and only you will be able to hear me, because
I know how much you love standing outside
and listening for nothing. You're an observer, you said.
And I will not forget you, and I will never leave you.
Wind never dies, Elizabeth...

This is sweet. I like how you brought in the wind from the title, but aren't totally making it like Paint Your Wagon. Which is a pretty fun film, lol.

It stays pretty unsappy, except for the last part. This line:

"And I will not forget you, and I will never leave you."

Although I can see that it is said with great force, it's a tad overdone and I would soften it with a more colloquial approach. Otherwise, that stanza is fine.

Lovely work as always, Elizabeth.