I Speak Of Shadows

I speak of shadows
Filter the night
The long distance stars
Shine on me so bright

I watch the future
Fade in your hand
There still is so much
That you don’t understand

Why do you hate me?
Why don’t you care?
It wasn’t as if
I was never there

The cold of the dark
Overshadows the light
You let yourself fall
Through endless night

Into the future
You go blindly ahead
When all this time
You could be lead

You don’t understand
Because you cannot
I gave up my future
My future for what?

Welcome to YWS!

Shall I be blunt?

There are three major things wrong with this poem:

1. There is no point. I know poetry is an expression of self, but you have to remember that you have an audience too. As it stands, we are (at least, I am) completely baffled as to what this poem is about and (sorry) why I should care.

The trouble is, you havent given me any way "into" the poem. You're telling me so much about "you" and how "you" are feeling - but you neglect to give me any way to experience this feeling vicariously through your work because all you do is TELL me about it. There's nothing for me to interact with. More, although you have some nice ideas (e.g. future "fading" in someone's hands) you dont place them in context. I have no idea what you're trying to say because there is no framework for your feelings. It just comes across as, "this is how I feel about something but I'm not going to talk about it". Which, to be honest, really sucks. I want to know what's going on!

2. Rhyming. Your rhyming feels forced and unnatural. I would encourage you to try free verse form until you've got the hang of things a bit more -- it's less constrictive and helps the ideas flow better.

3. Rhythm. You've got one, but IMHO it isnt working. It's too quick. Your poem is thoughtful, introspective -- it needs a rhythm that fits with the tone and doesnt make it read like a demented advertising jingle. LOL Sorry - I'm not a fan of rhyming poetry unless it's really, really good.

There are, of course, more minor problems with your grammar and some of the sentences, as well as the fact that you really never give any idea who "you" and "I" are supposed to be. But I'll leave you with the three major ones. My advice:

1. Make the poem available to your reader. Interest her. Talk to her, instead of to yourself. You're explaining something (usually how you feel and why, and in what context) in the most accurate, economic and beautiful language that you can. *That* is what you're trying to do in a poem. So try exploring images that relate to your feelings, analogies, metaphors, mood evoking scenes. Explain yourself not just bluntly but obliquely. Try to convey your impressions so that we can experience them through our own thoughts and feelings.

2. Forget about rhyme. Rhyme, unless you're a really good poet, is too constricting, as I mentioned before. It inhibits creativity and the flow of your writing because it restricts you to a certain range of words and therefore a certain range of emotions, images and so forth. This is why rhyming poetry so often acquires "the cringe factor". It's naturally trite, unless in the hands of Shakespeare or Robert Frost or someone.

3. I keep lecturing people about rhythm. Basically, you gotta learn it for yourself, because I cant come over there and tap things out all the time, LOL. I recommend learning morse code. Or (less time consuming) read Mary Oliver's "A Poetry Handbook" and brush up on iambic pentameter and such. She has some awesome ideas about what rhythm, stress and intonation can do in poetry.

Other than that, I can only say I hope I didnt come off as being harsh! I just think you need to expand this a great deal. From what I can gather, your idea -- that of sacrificing one's future (how? why?) for no return (again, how? why?) -- is quite unique and if explained further it could be very interesting. Think of this as your base - it captures the idea, yes, but incompletely. Refine it. Draw on it to build a new and stronger poem.

Will look forward to seeing you around

Cheers,
~bubbles

Darkeye--


This is bad prose with linebreaks, and it's really, really bad prose - an adolescent take-off on some sort of soap opera-Lovecraft scene without the imagination or language skills that made those interesting diversions.

No doubt you can find someplace on the net that will hold an audience for this stuff. You won't find it here.


All the best,
Brad

I'm sorry, but im going to have to agree...
This poem is only like all the other's barely a theme at all in any sort of existance, and its just another blue lighted drama...

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

I agree with others everything except one point. You writing comes from the heart like mine does, try reading some. In the end it doesn't matter what other people think as long as you understand it. Keep writing about your heart.

Im not going to add salt to the wound by reiterating what the others have said although I agree with it.

I would recommend buying a poetry anthology or book and reading some aloud, then think of something personal to you. Take it and write a few lines of it. Ok, now you need your "poet's tools" as brad calls them. Make your poem meaningful and beautiful. Im no poet but thats my advice.