Parallel

Again, all thoughts and comments are appreciated. The middle section doesn't seem to be working that well, but I've no ideas on how to fix it. The food imagery is completely coincidental . Honest.


Broken teeth stand as gaurdians in front of
the secret sanctuary of his mouth, left unvisited
by a woman's tongue for too many years.

The taste of her mouth floats atop
his tongue, still a pungent flavour of peaches
and cream: her favourite. Sitting in a field
of her beloved peach trees, he bites into the soft
fruit, eating it for her. This one is noticeably
sour; perhaps the leftover cream
could not still coat it in its protective glaze.

Beads of sugary water drip down his
wrinkled chin, eventually falling onto the
cushioning grass below. A contrasting flow
of tears mingle with the juice - creating a scent
of chewy sweet and sour candy.

The salty water slides through his teeth:
No, not you, he thought,
that space is reserved only for her.

Hey green river An excellent poem -- love the rich imagery (foood LOL). A few things I'd like to mention:

Broken teeth stand as gaurdians in front of
the secret sanctuary of his mouth, left unvisited
by a woman's tongue for too many years.

Very interesting intro. I'm getting a picture of his mouth as a cave on the beach, I dont know why; this is reinforced by the salty water line at the end. Intentional? Unintentional? My own crazy brain playing tricks? It kinda works though, lends an otherworldly feeling. So nice work.

The taste of her [s]mouth[/s] floats atop
his tongue, [still a pungent flavour of peaches
and cream:] her favourite. Sitting in a field
of her beloved peach trees, he bites into the soft
fruit, eating it for her. This one is noticeably
sour; perhaps the leftover cream
[could not still coat it in it's protective glaze. ]

I dont think the repetition of mouth works in the first line; those lines bracketed are where I think it's coming a bit unstuck here -- it sounds a bit awkward, so you might want to work on rewording those places. I cant really help you with what to say exactly, LOL, but perhaps:

...his tongue, in the pungent flavour of peaches
and cream

and

...perhaps the leftover cream
could not protect him with its milky glaze

Or something like that. o_O

[Beads of sugary water drip down his]
wrinkled chin, eventually falling onto the
cushioning grass below. A contrasting flow
of tears mingle with the juice - [creating] a scent
of chewy sweet and sour candy.

Same here - a few words which seem incongruous. I dont think beads or sugary water fit somehow. Creating ... mm. Doesnt seem right either. Perhaps "releasing" or "exuding" or something.

The salty water slides through his teeth:
No, not you, he thought,
that space is reserved only for her.

A nice ending. Could perhaps use a bit more power? But it rounds the poem off nicely anyway

Overall I liked the strange images this presented. Hope you get the middle portion reworked to your satisfaction!

Cheers,
~bubbles

oh yes, i know that feeling! peaches are great. But hey, i get what you are trying to get across- he misses her. so sad, love is. good work.

Erm... no offensive or anything, but I wasn't a big fan of this poem. It felt like you tried to incorporate too many different... flavors? It left me feeling as though your characters, and me, should go brush their teeth.

Thank you all for replying.

Bubblewrapped, I like your suggestions. They do seem to fit better.

ibelieve_inme, I'm glad you liked it.

Trident, no offense was taken. Your opinion is valued - I need to know if you didn't like it, so I can improve on my next poem.

So green_river
I loved the imagery. I was just thinking of how amazing peaches really taste, and you brought that out perfectly. It was great! I loved how you used the metaphor of eating a peach in contrast to him with his lover. Well done.

Alex