Camp NovMo: Coming of Age Revision

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My first camp novmo!

This is kind of a cheat because it's part of my creative writing workshop, but I wanted a fun motivation to complete it.

This story started as a short story, which was created for the class, but it gauged enough interest that I decided to lengthen it to either a novella or a novel. It follows a teen girl who moves to Concord, NH from New York and enters a fierce rivalry with the school's top student. Not a romance.

Genre
  • YA
  • Coming of Age

The goal is to revise it.
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Well you had me at "Not a Romance" =D




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Ohhhh I love a good rivalry!! Will we get any peeks at the characters >_> like a description or anything fun like that
Pants are an illusion. And so is death.




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@soundofmind yes! i'm planning to give short descriptions and characterizations of each of them; probably upload them by the end of the day!
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Sofie Hakimi


Sofie just turned 17, and she has a plan. Do well in school, get into a good college, pursue her master's immediately after, then go into a stable career that also makes her happy. She makes checklists to stay organized. Her nose is always in a book whenever there's downtime in school, and she finds joy in her arts and crafts.

Sofie is tall, white-skinned, and has long, straight black hair. Her eyes are hazel. She wears solid-colored hijabs, cardigans that she crocheted herself, and maxi skirts, or regular skirts with leggings. Although once in a while, she'll throw on hoodies and sweats. She never leaves the house without feeling good in what she wears.
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Brynn Poulton


Brynn is only sixteen, but she has one goal: get into an ivy league and go into law. She has a perfect 4.0 gpa; she's president of the student council; and she writes for the student paper. Not to mention the numerous hours she's put in volunteering in the community. She doesn't have many hobbies, but hobbies can come after college. She comes from old money.

Brynn dresses to impress. There's not a black hair strand out of place, with the added feature of a headband. Her clothes are pressed, unwrinkled, color-coordinated. Smart casual.
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Notes from Class


I wanted to use this space to collect the general thoughts and feedback the class had about my submissions. That way, I can go back here and see what I need to improve.

Positives:
  • Sofie's parents are fan favorites. It's a healthy relationship
  • Natural blend of culture and religion
  • Subverts tropes
  • Strong characterization
  • Scenes are given more time in the second round

Constructive Criticism
  • Sofie comes across as mean toward Brynn with no understang why
  • Use more interiority/free indirect discourse
  • Be intentional with pop culture references
  • Flesh out scenes (especially from the first round)

In addition to the verbal feedback, everyone left their own marginal comments. It feels a little overwhelming, which is why I didn't go through them all, but I figure I have most of the general consensus from the notes I took
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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No major revisions today, but I combined the two submissions into one round and cut two scenes that bogged the story down
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Ough, huge of you to assess all the feedback into something you can digest. I totally get how a ton of feedback can be overwhelming and a lot to take it. It's hard to narrow down what matters and what everyone's saying: so kudos to you for making those lists!

I'm loving the looks of the story so far and hope it's still chugging along <3 Brynn and Sofie sound like very compatible rivals -- in that, they certainly both have the drive and ambition. I like the nuance between their different versions of tunnel vision and how Brynn seems more focused on an idea (presentation - the idea of ivy leagues and law school) and Sofie is more focused on a big picture end goal (stable job, money, happiness).

I like that Sofie's clearly fighting for stability/comfort and Brynn is fighting for status (since Brynn doesn't have to worry about stability). I can already see the culture/background differences reflected in their mindsets!!
Pants are an illusion. And so is death.




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A snippet from my piece that I really enjoy:

Mr. Brown dismisses them with a reminder about the test. Sofie lets herself linger behind, slowly putting her stuff in her bag. She stands up and makes her way into the hall, peering closely at the schedule the secretary gave her that morning. She’s about to glance at the room number her Literature class is in when a shadow falls across the sheet. She looks up and finds Brynn standing in front of her.
“Um, hello?” Sofie says.
“You answered a lot of Mr. Brown’s questions,” Brynn says. “Do you get good grades? On the honor roll?”
“I guess. I usually get straight A’s.”
“So do I,” Brynn says. “I’ve been on the honor roll since freshman year.”
“Congratulations,” Sofie says. She starts looking for a way around Brynn.
“I’m top of the class too, highest gpa.” Brynn steps in front of her again.
“I have to find my next class.”
“I’m going to be the valedictorian at graduation. Me. So stay out of my way, got it?” Without waiting for an answer, Brynn turns on her heel and walks away.
“I assume that means I can’t borrow your notes,” Sofie mutters at her back.
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Another snippet: For context, they have to create their own rube goldberg machines in science class.

She glances around the room out of curiosity. Brynn sets up a a thin piece of wood as a mini seesaw at the end of a line of dominoes while her partner stands to the side, sullen. Sofie looks down at what she has. Two miscellaneous ramps, a marble, and dominoes. It’s not much, but it’ll have to do. She looks up again and sees Brynn staring at her. Sofie blinks, offers a small smile, and turns her attention back to her project.
Once time is up, the teacher walks around the room and scores each pair on their chain reactions. Sofie allows Travis to start theirs out of goodwill and is pleased that the marble, string, and dominoes played their part perfectly. The teacher gives them a high score. Brynn and her partner also get a high score. To her shock, two girls in the back win the competition with their chain reaction. After the teacher calls her and Brynn to stay after class, she finds out why.
“I was very impressed with both of your Rube Goldbergs,” the teacher tells them. “You’re both very talented, and your grades reflect that, but neither of you worked with your partners.”
“That’s not true,” Brynn says. “I made him set up the dominoes.”
“Yes,” she says slowly, “but you didn’t get his opinion at all or see what he wanted to do. The rules were for each pair to build a Rube Goldberg machine, not individual.”
“She was copying me,” Brynn says. “Aren’t you going to mark points off for that?”
“I was not,” Sofie snaps. “You were looking at me.”
“What, is that a crime?”
“Enough, both of you,” the teacher says. “I wasn’t expecting this kind of juvenile behavior out of either of you. No one was copying no one. I can’t believe I have to say that.”
Sofie holds her arms. They both look away.
The teacher sighs. “The point of this project is collaboration and creativity between students. I hope you’ll remember that in future projects.”
“Is this going to affect my grade?” Brynn asks. Sofie rolls her eyes.
“Of course not,” she says. “It wasn’t a serious assignment. Just a fun activity. You’re a great student Brynn.”
She looks relieved.
Their teacher dismisses them. As Sofie trails after her classmate, she realizes that Brynn had sounded almost desperate.
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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Mwhahahahaha. Working together is always the tricky part, lol. Love it.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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20+ pages and finally completed! I'm sure there are more things that I could expand on, but I think I revised enough scenes and added new ones for my professor to be satisfied with.

As a treat, here is the section that I ended on:
Later, after she kisses her parents goodnight, Sofie crawls into bed and sinks under the soft blankets. She reaches down and grabs her Lady plushie. When Sofie graduated from the fifth grade, her father took her to the Disney store in Manhattan. Everything was so expensive that they rarely ventured into that borough. But after the ceremony, they got on the subway and rode it into the Broadway District. He let her pick out anything she wanted, and she chose Lady. She’s been there through the lows of middle school, high school, and the stress and excitement of moving. Sofie cuddles the plushie and burrows her face in its faux fur.
Colleges look at everything you do in high school, stupid, the reasonable side of her brain whispers. You want to get into a good school, you have to stand out from the rest of the grade-A students. This is a great opportunity. Brynn is temporary; your future is forever.
There is always something left to love.
- One Hundred Years of Solitude




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YAY! Congratulations on finishing it! That is wonderful! :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour