on command and control

4/15/26

calendar.google.com

and so i am up late again, shifting colored blocks on my google calendar
as if, maybe if i looked again, a slot would magically free up.
i can do that bit of homework tomorrow, prep for my talk in the morning,
do research at that time, push that to next week…
it’s like a puzzle with infinite possible solutions, yet no satisfying one.
and so i am up late again, shifting words in my mind,
picking the first ones i think of, as if, maybe if i scattered them randomly enough,
some decent poetry would come out.
i fear i am like a lemon, quite squeezed for time.

4/16/26

xy

in another life, i would be tall.
if one of my x chromosomes had been a y, i would be slim and strong like my father, with long fingers for playing the guitar.
i would have grown up kicking a ball around and talking about games and gaming pcs.
i would be just as intelligent as i am now, but with the additional experience from years of naturally soaking up cs knowledge from friends.
i would still be awkward, but perhaps i would fit in a little better in these computer science classes and clubs.
i wouldn’t be so afraid to break things, and i would learn from it.
i wouldn’t have to deal with bleeding every month, or with the stress of constantly worrying that it will start or show, marking me violently as something i never wanted to be.
i wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of worrying that my every mistake further reinforces the stereotype of girls being bad at stem.
i would still be everything i love about myself, and less of the things i hate.
every so often, i rage silently at the world. in my mind, i scream that it is like an incurable disease, like a curse that cannot be lifted. but i say nothing, because by now it has been ingrained in me to be calm, responsible, mature, nice, the obedient only daughter.
i am glad i do not have a brother, because i would be dying of envy.

4/17/26

f

funny how flying sounds a little like falling. like the freedom of flapping wings is one flicker away from free-falling. and funny how free is one letter away from flee, as if wanting to be free implies there exists something for you to flee from.

4/18/26

aaa

aaAAaaāåäáα
ΑᾋΆᾹἄᾍἃἃaaἇ
ἂἆἎᾏᾏᾁ
ᾉ
ἏAἋΆἅἍἍᾎ
ᾀᾀᾎἋἁaἁὰᾰἍἉὰ
aAAaAAAA

4/19/26

unriddle

i am the fly you hear but cannot see.
the buzz in the background just varying enough
to prevent you from tuning me out.
i am the feeling of the ground trembling imperceptibly under your feet.
you, grinding your teeth just before you wake up,
trying not to grasp at fading dreams.
i am lost and i am found, everything and nothing, the
wood and the would and the wud.
i do not have a right answer.

4/20/26

to be rewritten

we would go there at sunrise.
hiking up through the grass damp with dew,
…
yet it is hours past sunset and i
did not realize time flew by so quickly so
i will start and finish this another time XP

4/21/26

rewrite

we would go there at sunrise.
hiking up through the grass damp with dew,
the misty city falling (apart) behind the rise of the hill,
it felt like this was the last tree in the world.
the ash meditated. you caught a leaf(let) on the tip of your tongue.
it reminded me of words poured into our ears years later,
though of course neither of us knew anything then (or now).
the edges of the sky catch fire
as the sun tries to drag itself back to the east.

oops just barely past midnight... two poems to make up for it!

4/22/26

unopenable

unable to be opened
or able to be unopened?
i and my feelings have tended to be un(openable),
but maybe i am sliding towards (unopen)able.
but i am not a door i am not a jar
don’t treat me like a thing
don’t even treat me like a women
just see me, me as a person


4/23/26

inconsistent extensions

give me a sign, give me a signal
that these bombs won’t bombard
all that i know and all your knowledge.
we must rewrite the law. get me a lawyer.

4/24/26

the Ad at the bottom of the page

"Discover more," it says.
Books and Peanut Butter and
both garlic and Garlic
and eggs and Eggs
as if CaPiTaLiZaTiOn
could make all the difference.
Kimchi.
Visual Art & Design.
and i know i’m reading too much into it
but it feels rather targeted.
me, a mute failure of a korean, unable to tolerate spice.
me, never persistent enough to actually improve at art.
(or is it Korean? and Art?)
too many questions, not enough time.
but maybe i Can wring some precious hours from the future.
maybe i Do want to discover more. maybe i Will.

4/25/26

late night thoughts

i think a good co-president would excel in three categories: technical, logistical, and social skills. i can do logistics; i can be responsible, i can make sure things get done before deadlines. i am less confident in my technical and social skills. my social skills, at least, may be improving as i force myself to talk more. i become a more extraverted version of myself at club events. is it a mask? i don’t know. i do genuinely enjoy interacting with people sometimes. and even if it is a mask, maybe if i wear it enough it’ll melt into my face and fuse with the real me. whatever that means.
i think i give off an impression of being more intelligent than i am. i imagine i appear put-together, with my life under control. and someone with such self-control must be smart and knowledgeable, right? perhaps.
i think, in becoming who i must be for the sake of this club, i become more like my ideal version of myself. i am happier than i have been in a while, which is saying something, because i have rarely been unhappy these past two years.
i am thankful. i will give my best, and hopefully become my best.