me&my

things that are too fragile to name:

my longest standing friend lost his little brother three months ago to murder, and i’m watching him burn. i wonder if this was how it felt when i fell to the depths like a cliffdiver, into a shallow end first. i’m worried for my friend, but we’re both laying in lapping water, staring at each other states apart with no solace, and he’s covered in triggers that burst at any word: but there’s nothing else to offer from a distance. he says he notices he’s become cynical, and i’m one of several caught in the collateral damage, but i don’t know if we’ll survive this. water fills my lungs but his were already full, now he’s sinking, and i can’t reach him

my mother’s still grieving her mother, and i’m still grieving my grandmother. two years almost to date. she’s become a shell of herself, as of late, in body and in spirit, and she won’t say it’s because of my father. he died to her when they divorced but they shared 20 years. surely his absence means something, as she creates distance from both their four children, pretending not to know she’s self fulfilling. God willing, she’ll pull out of it, but i can see where it’s ending. isolation is a deadly snare i’m praying she’s escaping

my oldest sister doesn’t trust me anymore. when i sat on her couch and asked her what it’s been like for her, she gave me one sentence. and maybe it’s indicitave of needed repentance of my part, but she hasn’t told me anything. why her heart is held six states away when i’m beside her. i used to cry with her, and i don’t know what we did wrong. she said to my face she can’t handle anything but validation, and words of affirmation are a strength of mine, but i have to mean it, and i feel like a broken record she’s not hearing

my boyfriend says “i love you” and “i’m in love with you” mean the same thing to him. i’m afraid i can’t compete with his commitment. he wants to wait to say it but we both know he’s waiting for me to catch up. waiting for me to throw up and give up fighting. he’s waited for eight years while i was lying to myself and still i’m trying to go slow and steady. he says that he’s ready but he’ll wait, and i say i can’t anticipate my falling in love as an inevitability, afraid that will drive him away. when it doesn’t, i’m actually more afraid.

like my friend. like my sister. my mother. i’m not used to someone who stays, and i fear i’ll disappoint him. worse, break his heart all over again. i hold all of my loved ones like glass in my hands because my father shattered — so what if they do too?

too fragile to name, always something to lose