Swan-the tale of the ugly duckling

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 35
I was born in a clearing near a lake
my earliest memories are but little of that time
or maybe
it's that i don't want to remember
I still remember from the back of my mind
our nest under
the apple tree
and
the cedar and the oaks
my mother
pointing a wing
at
the lake

I knew i was different
I knew the moment
I popped out of my prison
I tripped while my brothers
and sisters
gracefully assended the water
I remember my brother Lucifer
and how he bullied me
and how everyone laughed
at HIS antics
and scowled upon mine
even mother

I left the clearing during the days of coldness
I remember the frost
and wind
and shivering
it was oh so cold!
I remember how i met a kind farmer
but
his children
laughed at me
and threw me out
into
the cold
I remember him coming out
late at night
and feeding me
after his children slept
and he said
"fly hight little one"
and so i left
into the cold

I don't remember much else
after that
except for the numbness
that started
from the tip of my webbed feet
to my beak
so i closed my eyes

I remember opening my eyes
and seeing
a patch of green
in the corner of my eye
and turning
to see
spring had invaded winter

I saw
the lake where i grew up
and these three beautiful creatures
in the middle surrounded by everyone
even Lucifer
I got up
and i knew i wanted to meet them
even if i died
I was going to get up
and swim towards them
and so
I swam
shyly
towards
them
but
to my suprise
they didn't kill me
THEY WELCOMED ME
with open arms
I looked down at the water
and saw four swans
instead of three
and
I knew
I
finally
belonged
happily ever after

*moosie*
"I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom."
--Mel Brooks




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
This isn't supposed to have punctuation, right?

I did notice a couple of other things, though,

it's that i don't want to remember
I knew i was different
and so i left
so i closed my eyes
and i knew i wanted to meet them
even if i died

In all of these, you forgot to capitalize your I's. This must be fixed!

gracefully assended the water

In this one, you definitely misspelled ascended. It is spelled with a C, not two S's. Also, you might want to add and "Ascended to the water," so it makes more sense.

I liked it, It's a creative twist on the familiar story and I love it to bits!
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7415
Reviews 117
Wow, I haven't read The Ugly Duckling for years! But I remember the story and this is a great poem describing it!

But, since it tells a story, I wouldn't call it lyric poetry. I would call it narrative poetry.

I especially liked the line break you used on this section:

I remember how i met a kind farmer
but
his children
laughed at me
and threw me out
into
the cold


It is somehow very fluent without being smooth! That's the best kind of sentence fluency.

However, I did not like the fluency in this section. It's very choppy, because it's broken up in the wrong places. When I read it out loud to myself, it sounded wrong.

and
I knew
I
finally
belonged


To make this sound right, I would take the 'finally' back up with the 'I'.

Overall, magnificent job, and good creativity, too!

BlueR
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