Trapped In A Memory

Running,
Running away from something,
But I don't know what it is,
It seems i'm running from nothing,
But I can see it behinde me,
As if it wants me to know it's there,
It wants me,
It wants me to give in,
It's getting closer on my tail,
It never stops,
I'm running,
But I never seem to go anywhere,
Like a hamster in it's wheel,
Like a fish in it's tank,
Like a bird in it's cage,
I'm trapped,
Trapped in a memory.[/i]

I liked this poem, but overall it was so-so. I don't think it really had the bang you were looking for...some critique, anyway.

'It's getting closer on my tail'- This line has almost no relevance to the lines above it and below it. Besides, I think it's grammatically incorrect. I'll check.

You use 'it's' where there should be 'its'. Your english teacher isn't kidding when she says you have to go over that! It's very clunky and confusing to the reader.

Commas are pauses. With this poem, where someone is getting chased, you don't want pauses. Maybe one or two for dramatic effect...but you only do that by starting a new verse. This poem is very choppy because of your commas. it's like, talking, to you, like, this. It's really very annoying.

At the end, when you give the different examples of the animals, they're kind of cliche-ish. I like the thought behind it, but those examples are a little overused. Think of something more original.

Thanks for the critqe, I agree it is choppy, I wrote this a while ago and wanted some suggestions. Thanks!

Considering your age, there isn't much I could say, but this poem does need a little bit of critiquing.
Well, the main thing the poem lacked was imagery. It was too short, and not long enough for anything to happen to gain any sort of substance. In short poems, you have to be careful about your choice of words and where you're actually going. However, I still think you did a great job.

:Walks off muttering something: "Eleven?"

Ack, very prosaic. A bit too literal for my tastes.

The poem doesn't seem to have any point to it, no real purpose, if you get me.

The repetition of the former line on the next line seemed overdone and got a bit tedious towars the end.

I think you really need to add a bit more imagery, and get a bit more feeling into the words to make it stand out from every other poem ever written in the world.

Uh, yeah. It was a pretty bad poem if you ask me. It doesn't have any literal meaning to it and I couldnt really get what was happening. It was peculiar at times and was a drag to read, but it flowed well and the description was good.

if we're taking age as something to go by I think it was well done for you age however. It was bland it doesn't start or end if you get my point? But I think you could become a very good poet if you put some more imagry etc into it.
Wu x

Well I disagree completely with everyone who said it has no meaning.

I think you did a nice job on this poem and I can easily discern the symbolism your trying to get at in this poem.

Great job, and it's very nice to see someone not even in high school yet that is so intersested in poetry. Keep it up and you could very well be a really great poet.

Heh...Hekategirl, you're a lot better than me. (i think you all could agree on that...)

While I don't think that poetry needs purpose, this didint really hold me. You haven't captured the emotion. What I would say is go back and re-write, and try and show rather than tell your reader what its all about.