Blue

The teacher sighed and stared at the little children coloring in the blue jay.
He sees only blue and not vibrant mixtures of colors.
But he is the one that picks up a yellow crayon and colors his own blue jay the way he wants it.
It becomes more than yellow as he adds red and oranges and then deeper shades of blue and purple. All these colors combine to make the deepest, richest shade of blue ever.
He sees the children coloring in their innocence and he smiles and recollects on his childhood days when he was just coloring with one blue crayon.
He sees a wave of white on one side then black then yellow and frowns.
He shakes his head,
But he knows inside that one day there will be people all over trying to make something together.
Just as he did with the blue bird.
Incompletly, Justly, Immorally, Forever.
*moosie*

First off, let me say that this is a beautiful piece.
But...
When you say "He picks up a yellow crayon...", do you mean the teacher or a student? It's unclear there.

I think adding more descriptive details will make this piece stand out more. Like, saying he sees a boy picking up multiple crayons and coloring a rainbow with all of them at once.

GREAT JOB!

Pandora

moosiegirl -


What was it you thought you had written that was remotely "poetic"?

This is not poetry; it is a boring story about diversity and the need for cooperation in the world. How many times have we seen and been forced to listen to multiculturalists proclaim we should work together?

Next time, I suggest you actually read a poem before posting in the Poetry section.


Take care,
Brad

Hmm...

I liked it, it was interesting. It didn't really really move me or anything, but it was good. It's true that it's a message we've heard many times before, but you told in an original way, I think.

However, I wouldn't exactly call it poetry. I think perhaps "other fiction" would be a more fitting place to post this.

this was different, and this is where I clash with Brad.
Just because it isn't in a standard poetic structure it doesn't mean it isn't poetry!!
Good job, it was slightly more like "prose" but anyhow.....keep up the good work.
I like the deep meanings to things that aren't so deep (loved the bird imagery too.)

lexy x

it was beautiful!

I'm with Brad - this isnt really very poetic.

That being said, your idea was lovely. Just the execution was not my style (I hate all the blood when they chop peoples heads off...OK, shutting up now).

MAIN POINTS:

1. Comprehension. I have trouble figuring out who is doing what here. If I were you, I'd run through and edit my piece thoroughly, paying particular attention to the structure and meaning. Also, a bit of formatting might go a long way to giving it more sense and clarity.

2. Message. Yes, it's beautiful. But it's also obvious. I mean, you're practically picking it up and rubbing it in our faces. I appreciate that you've probably not had much experience with this, and God knows I'm not the most subtle person in the world, but I would definitely recommend working on moulding your story into the message, so that you dont have to spell it out for the reader in any way. They should come away *feeling* and *thinking* how you want them to, but without you having to insult their intelligence by making it really obvious. Get what I'm saying?

3. Sentences. You use "he" a lot -- and your sentences are all structured very similarly. IIWY (if I were you) I'd vary sentence length and structure to make the story more interesting.

Overall, you present a lovely picture but it needs some tidying up. A bit of editing, and perhaps some fleshing out here and there, and this will be an awesome piece. Kudos

Cheers,
~bubbles

I spent about five minutes trying to figure out what the blazes your avatar was doing...and then I was looking around the page, wondering if I -was- in the poetry section.

Brad could have put it more politely I suppose but I agree with him, it's not exactly 'poetic'. I mean, poems have verses/stanzas, ie gaps separating the important bits...and the lines are usually on separate lines. Hence why it's a 'verse' not a 'paragraph'. You can have one verse poem, they're called something special that I can't remember at this time of night, waaay too late for me, but they usually have 13 lines if anyone else can remember them for me?

Anyways, back on track rather than rambling. I'm simply saying that were you to edit this a teensy bit, fix up the format and make who you're talking about a bit clearer (for others, I suppose) and you'll get much more...praising reviews.

Oh, an example on how to fix it up?

The teacher sighed and stared at the little children coloring in the blue jay. He sees only blue and not vibrant mixtures of colors. He picks up a yellow crayon and colors his own blue jay the way he wants it. It becomes more than yellow as he adds red and oranges and then deeper shades of blue and purple.

You could try this

The teacher sighed and stared at the little children coloring in the blue jay. He sees only blue and not vibrant mixtures of colors.

>(student intro?)He picks up a yellow crayon and colors his own blue jay the way he wants it. It becomes more than yellow as he adds red and oranges and then deeper shades of blue and purple.

Just an example. Otherwise, it was lovely...in an odd way.

~Chibi

I must say, I don't really think this is a poem.

It was good and the descrption was nice, but it just isn;t a poem I don't think. Perhaps ask a mod to move it for you, although - I havent a clue where.

I'm no help. ><

Move this to Other Fiction, or phrase this differently, put it into stanzas and colour it up more. (was that intended? not sure)

It has potential, certainly!

It is a nice metaphor, but I have to agree that it sounds like prose. Keep working on it!