Writing down my fear in permanence

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VIII. 80% More to fear in this world
Thalassophobia: Fear of the Ocean.


The ocean does not want you.
It swallows light at 600 feet and never spits it back,
dining on dying things that drift in silence,
soft-rotting into something between prayer and surrender.

Beneath the surface, pressure builds like a wrath held too long,
1,100 times the weight of what your ribs can bear.
A place where the lungs of ships collapse inward,
where even echoes drown before they find their way back.

They say we mapped the heavens before we dared map the deep,
that we launched ourselves skyward with more hope,
than we ever carried into the black beneath us.
We dipped our toes into the abyss, then fled.

Something down there made man stop looking.
Something made them turn their gaze to stars instead.
And still, beneath the waves, the dark waits,
unchanged, unbothered, unbeaten.

We’ve brushed 90% of Mars with robotic fingertips,
run algorithms through the dust of ancient rivers,
traced time in scars on distant rock.

But over 80% of our own ocean remains untouched,
unseen, unwelcoming.
A blind spot that lives beneath our feet.

Perhaps we fear the things we think we know,
but we run from what refuses to be known at all.

The Challenger Deep calls.
but not by name,
it does not need to.

It is patient.
It is starving.


It is 36,200 feet of never-should-have-been,
a wound on the earth’s body that never scars over.

They say 829,000 people die every year,
from unsafe water.
I think the ocean keeps a tally,
counts them in stillness, one by one.
A collector of breathless things,
an archivist of what cannot float.

It is easy to fear the void above us,
to tremble at the endless hush of stars.
But space is just a question unanswered.
The ocean is a mouth that never stops asking.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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IX. How many shots does it take a man to forget his family?
Methyphobia: The fear of alcohol.


I have seen a man turn bottle,
his glass ribs filled to the brim with something cruel.
Something that warped his mouth around my name,
like it didn’t belong to someone he loved.

I have seen love stiffen the air between us,
made me flinch when it reached for me,
like maybe this time it would hit instead of hold.

Love came wrapped in an apology,
offered like a gift with broken glass inside,
something I’m supposed to be grateful for anyway.

The first time I smelled it on his breath,
I learned that fire isn’t just hot, it has a taste.

It clings like guilt to the back of your throat,
burns slow, then catches fast.
It lingers in the lungs,
tastes like regret left too long in the sun,
spreading through the house like something you can’t outrun.

I thought drinking was supposed to change you.
That's the story, right?
It makes you lighter, looser, untied from your body,
lets you float just high enough to forget how heavy you were to begin with.

But I tried it once, a little more than a sip.
Laughing with my sisters like we’d outrun the past.
They laughed like they were flying.
I stayed grounded, watching them spin,
watching the line between fun and danger disappear.

I was the one hiding bottles when things got too chaotic,
the one cleaning up after laughter turned to retching.
Holding hair back, whispering, breathe,
even as the poison crawled up my throat.

I was waiting for someone to fall apart,
so I could be the one to catch them.

I did not leave my body.
I did not forget.


And I wonder.
Did he ever forget himself, even for a second?
Or did he drink with our names still in his mouth, resenting the taste?
It was all theater, wasn’t it? An act,
just another costume he wore to feel less responsible.

If every slammed door, every broken glass, every bruise
wasn't just a side effect, but the point.
If chaos was poured neat into his bloodstream,
and we were just the collateral.

So I made a promise,
not some neat little vow,
but something carved into the bones of who I became.

I won’t pretend I’m above it.
I’ll drink someday, when I’m ready, when it’s mine to choose.

But not like he did.
Not to disappear. Not to destroy.

Because I’ve seen what it can make of someone,
how it can hollow out a man.
Leave a house breathing in splinters,
his silence soaked into the drywall,
everything he broke trying to feel whole again.

And maybe it wasn’t the drinking at all.
Maybe it was him.
But occasionally, I still flinch at the sound of a bottle being uncapped.
Last edited by Youbeaucupid on Thu Jul 03, 2025 4:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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X. Where is my night light?
Nyctophobia: Fear of the dark.



It starts with a flicker, my light-switch hiccups once, then again,
The bulb burns out, and suddenly the dark is thick as oil,
not just absence but a presence that lingers in the air,
not just empty but watching with eyes I cannot see.

A shadow slithers beneath the door, stretching thin and slow,
curling cat-like at my feet, winding between my ankles.
I tell myself, "it's nothing, it's nothing," over and over,
but nothing should not breathe.

(Creak.)

The black swallows corners whole, eats the edges of my room,
my mind rushes to fill in the blanks with things that don’t exist,
except, what if they do?

Something shifts. A breath that isn’t mine.

Floorboards sigh like they’ve just woken up,
and I swear I hear a voice in the hush of my own breath.
Night does not sleep.
And neither do I.

(Creak.)

The closet gapes open like a wound left festering too long,
a hole in the world where the dark leaks through, stretching wider.
I don’t dare to blink, don’t dare to look away,
Last time, the door was closed.

The air is still, but something stirs, slow and deliberate,
a whisper of movement just past the edge of my vision.
I clutch the covers like armor, hold them tight to my chest,
like certainty can barricade me from whatever waits,
but the dark is patient.

The dark knows my name.

(Creak.)

Did you hear that? A whisper in the walls, thin as breath?
A tap-tap-tap at the window, light but insistent?
Did I lock the door? I locked the door. I think I did.

The dark hums in my ears, curls around my limbs,
I try to sleep, but it slides beneath my eyelids, lingers in the black.
I try to move, but it presses me down, heavy as regret,
all weight and no hands, all eyes and no face.

And when morning comes, pale and safe, I swear it was nothing.
Just the wind, just the house settling, just my mind playing tricks,
Until the night exhales against my ear and whispers,

"You always say that."
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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AHHH cupid are you kidding?!?! that spoken word poem is incredible! at first i hadn't even realized there was a voice recording with it, but after reading that poem for, like, the third time, i saw it. i'm astounded!! <3333 ahhh you're making ME want to do a spoken word poem
it is always another hand that guides me.




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AWWW thank you, @Avian!! I was literally so nervous to post that recording not gonna lie, so I'm glad you liked it! TwT Also, you should totally do a spoken poem!! That'd literally be super awesome! :D
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XI. The brightest shade of fear
Xanthophobia: the fear of yellow.


Yellow used to be everything to me.
It was the color of joy before I knew the word for fear.
Before I knew that things could rot from the inside out and still smile in the sun.

It was the color of sunflowers,
how they turned their faces toward the light
like children playing at gods.
It was barefoot summers, sand caught between my toes,
a childhood bottled in a color.

It was lemonade on the porch with my brother, someone I thought I'd never lose.
It was the warmth in your laughter,
the halo around your silhouette as you turned to look at me.

You were my Yellow.
Not pastel or mustard or neon,
you were golden.

Beautiful, and glowing,
the warmth of a thousand suns.
I could stare into your eyes for eternity
and never once feel winter against my skin.

But even the sun burns.

I began to see the color in places it didn’t belong,
in the whites of your teeth,
too many cigarettes, curling smoke through your smile.
In your apologies,
how they soured like old milk,
frothing in the back of my throat
with every “I didn’t mean it.”

It started showing up in the sickroom light,
in the highlighter scribbles on warnings I never read.
Yellow became the color of caution,
the tape they stretch around something they want to keep you from touching.

It’s the memories I left out in the rain too long,
and now reek of mold,
tinged with a piss-colored memory
I can’t wash out.

I see sunflowers now and flinch.
Not because it's ugly,
but because I remember how beautiful it used to be.
How beautiful you used to be.

How something so warm could one day,
make me wish for winter again.

Isn't that the cruelest thing?
To fear the color that once meant hope?
To fear something that once meant you?
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XII. This is not a knot, it is a noose.
Gamophobia: Fear of marriage.


They call it “tying the knot,”
but in my mind, I’m already picturing the rope burn.
Not the delicate kind, not silk,
but the kind that leaves a mark deep enough to bleed every time I move.

They dress it up in white lace and vanilla frosting,
but I’ve seen what happens after the last slice of cake is gone
and no one’s pretending for the pictures anymore.

I want love.
God, I crave it.

the kind where we spill coffee in the morning and laugh anyway,
the kind where they sing to sleeping babies and carry groceries
without being asked.

Sometimes, I catch myself imagining a backyard with toys scattered like confetti,
my partner leaning against the doorframe,
my child running toward me, yelling “Mom!” like I am the safest place in the world.

But fear is a crack in the ceiling of my fantasy. It drips.

Drip.
Drip.
Drip.


Until the whole goddamn house collapses.

My parents are divorcing.
The papers aren’t even finalized,
but my father is already seeing other women
as if love is just something you replace,
like lightbulbs when they flicker.

We live in different houses now.
The home I grew up in
has been gutted by silence and split custody
and the kind of grief that doesn’t scream,
just sighs when no one’s looking.

I used to think forever meant something.
Now I know forever can be rewritten,
can pack its bags and leave me behind,
with only your name and a faded photo to prove it ever existed.

How do I sign my name on a contract
that history has already warned me will self-destruct?
How do I vow forever,
when forever looks like an empty bed and a voice gone cold?

A ring is not a symbol of unity to me.
It is a promise I’m terrified I will break,
or worse, a promise I will keep
even when it’s killing me.

I don’t want to end up
with someone who becomes a stranger
I still share a bedroom with.
I don’t want to look into the mirror one day,
and wonder when exactly I became a ghost
wearing someone else’s last name.

this is not a knot. This is a noose.
I am not ready to hang myself in the name of love.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XIII. Mom says Sam-e is my best friend
Angrophobia: Fear of anger.


Sam-e sometimes wears a smile too wide for his own good,
He likes to walk into a room with sunshine between his teeth,
the kind of person who claps too loud at jokes that aren’t funny
and always knocks before entering but never waits for a reply.

He always sits beside me at breakfast,
watching me sip orange juice through clenched teeth,
His elbows brushing mine like we’ve been doing this for years.

Mom says “Sam-e is your best friend!”
like it’s supposed to mean something.
Like I should be grateful for this yellow tinted friend,
how he dissolves into something that sounds like peace.

Sam-e never rolled his eyes at me like my brother did,
when I flinched too fast or broke another pencil between my fists.
He didn’t laugh when I punched the drywall,
or scream back when I screamed first.

He was steady. He was easy.

He swallowed my fire in soft yellow mouthfuls,
until the sparks felt like background noise,
in someone else's story.

Sam-e always showed up right after something bad happened.
He liked to play therapist without asking,
smooths out the edges I was born with,
the ones they said were dangerous.

Sometimes, I think Sam-e talks too much though.
He likes tells me I’m overreacting,
that my fists don’t need to clench so tight,
that yelling is a waste of air.

He wraps my feelings in gauze,
and calls it healing.

He teaches me to swallow instead of scream.
He teaches me to sit still.
He teaches me that quiet means good.
But I don’t know if I believe him.

I used to call myself a firework,
I wasn’t broken or dangerous,
just something meant to go off.
But with Sam-e by my side,
I forget how to spark.

He isn't real.
Not the way I am.


He doesn’t bleed when I bite my tongue.
He won't cry when I sit alone with everything I didn’t say.
He never asks why I’m angry.
He only asks me not to be.

Maybe he was never my friend.
I learned he was just a mask my mother made me wear,
so the neighbors wouldn’t stare.
He was the silence of a pill-shaped boy,
who never really knew me.

But I did know anger.
I knew her by name,
By sweaty palms, and racing heartbeats.
She came before Sam-e,
and she stayed long after he left.

She often looks me in the eyes and says,
“you’re allowed to be loud.”
And I think maybe,
She's the only one who ever listened to me.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XIV. Fourteen Days
Obesophobia: fear of gaining weight.


TW: Body dysmorphia, blood, self-harm, ED.

Spoiler
Day I
The sickness slithers in, curling inside my gut.
First comes the nausea, creeping under my skin like a warning, then the fever.
The air in my room is thick, soured with the stench of bile and breath,
the scent of something rotting.
maybe my insides, maybe my mind.

Day II
Sweat gathers in beads, clinging to my collarbones.
I can taste acid on my tongue,
The taste of burnt orange and rotting in the back of my throat,
but I don't mind.
My stomach is empty, hollowed out like a grave,
and somehow, that's a comfort.

Day III
The curtains stay shut. The outside world is far too loud.
There’s too much light, too much living I don’t deserve to be part of.
I press my fingers to the sharp edges of my hip bones,
watching how the skin dips in like it’s folding,
I am disappearing on purpose.

Day IV
My mother knocks, soft but insistent.
“You have to eat."
I mumble something half-hearted,
but the words don’t make it past my throat.
She doesn’t come in.
Good.

Day V
I wake up drowning in my own sweat, clinging to my skin like a second fever.
Tissues litter my bed, soaked in sickness,
strewn like wilted petals after some funeral.
-
My body is unraveling itself from the inside,
My lungs are so tights I don't dare breathe.
I am light-headed.
I am light.

Day VI
My stomach twists and snarls like a caged beast,
clawing at the empty space where food should be,
gnawing on itself in protest.
I clutch it, curl into myself,
rocking through the hunger like a lullaby,
like a child trying to remember what it meant to be safe.

This is discipline. This is control.

Day VII
The cravings hit me like a fist to the gut,
I dream of food, of bread, melted butter, sizzling meat,
the taste of something warm and whole.
I dream of tearing, of devouring,
of sinking my teeth into something warm and alive.
-
I wake up choking on my own spit, shaking, desperate, feral.
I punch the mirror until cracks bloom across its surface,
I look smaller in the shards.

Day VIII
The sickness has teeth now, and it drags me under with no resistance.
My limbs feel boneless, my body limp.
I try to stand, but my knees buckle. My hands grip the nightstand like a lifeline.
The mirror watches me, judging as I peel myself apart,
one inch of flesh at a time.

Day IX
My body is at war with itself, every inch of me aching.
My spine pushes against the mattress like it’s trying to escape.
My jaw is locked tight, refusing even the thought of food.
My skin sticks to my bones, my lips split with every breath.

I could eat.
I won’t.

Day X
The hunger has left me now.
I am nothing but hollow spaces now,
a ghost wearing skin too loose for the bones it clings to.
I step on the scale and hold my breath so tight it bruises my ribs.
The numbers drop.

I win.

Day XI
Blood streaks the sink when I brush my teeth.
Iron floods my mouth, metallic and warm.
My gums retreat like the tide pulling back from shore,
I wonder if this is what rot feels like when it starts from the inside.
I drink water, gulp after gulp, my stomach tightening in protest.
It tastes like surrender.

Day XII
I forget how to exist in my own body,
how to sit without sinking,
how to breathe without feeling light-headed.
I forget why I wanted this in the first place,
but I remember how good it feels to take up less space.

Day XIII
Something inside me is dying.
I can feel it in the way my heart stutters,
in my trembling fingers, in the way I curl into myself like a starving dog.
I can feel the protest in my bones,
but I don't care enough to listen.

Day XIV
My mother forces the door open.
Her voice is white noise, frantic, and pleading.
I feel her hands grabbing at me, dragging me upright,
forcing me to the table where a plate of food waits for me.
-
I stare at it.
I stare at her.

-
And now I am full again,
bloated, disgusting,
drowning in flesh,
choking on hunger that never leaves.
-
I stare at the mirror,
at the ruin of what I was,
and grieve.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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Wow, what a terrific concept for a NaPo thread, I could definitely see this being developed into a full-on poetry book. You're covering a great range of aspects of fear without being repetitive too, which a theme like this is at the risk of doing, but every poem is a new fresh take. I especially liked your Ocean poem in these last ones; the blend of facts + panic was a great contrast to me. Looking forward to reading more!

you should know i am a time traveler &
there is no season as achingly temporary as now
but i have promised to return




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Aww thank you so much, @alliyah! I'm really glad you like my thread!! :D Also, I've been told I should make a poetry book and I'm half tempted to do so XD maybe some time in the future I will! :3
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XV. Occasionally the ocean stares back.
submechanophobia: fear of submerged man-made objects.


Metal was never meant to breathe beneath the waves,
yet there it waits, patient, its lungs bloated with salt and silence.
Its iron ribs are cracking and bolts surrendering to rust,
as time drowns it slowly, deliberately, without remorse.

The carcass of a ship grins through the gloom with shattered teeth,
its doorways gape like open throats, not calling, just waiting,
hungry for movement, for anyone foolish enough to enter.

Statues remain trapped in lightless depth,
their eyes are made of stone and sorrow, blinded in the silt-heavy blur.
Arms outstretched in a final gasp, as if still begging for breath,
their fingers curled toward a sky they can no longer reach.

I do not belong in this drowning museum of metallic inhumanity,
and neither do they, relics forgotten by surface and sun alike.
Drawn down by the same invisible gravity,
sinking together without ceremony,
as if the ocean has decided to remember us.

Spoiler
I'm not to happy with this one, but I genuinely feel sick right now so I probably rewrite this when I feel better :sobs:
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XVI. Don’t forget about remembering me.
Athazagoraphobia: fear of being forgotten.


I press my name into a slab of wet concrete behind the old library,
My nails splitting, scraping until the skin on my knuckles breaks
as if pain could promise permanence,
as if blood might stain memory deeper than time ever will.

But the sky doesn't care. The rain comes anyway,
splitting open like it's mourning me already.
Washing over the grooves of my letters until they vanish into gray,
before they can belong to the earth.
And when I come back the next day,
there’s no sign I was ever there at all.

I speak, but the wind steals my voice,
scatters the guttural sounds of heartbreak like ashes in the air,
there, then gone, never touching the ground.
I flicker hoping to catch in someone's periphery,
but the wind is merciless and drags me away.

I fear oblivion the way a drowning man fears the ocean,
not the water itself, but the moment it stills,
the second the thrashing stops,
and the world moves on as if he was never there.
Because if I slip beneath the surface,
who will remember I was here at all?

Tell me,

when the last person who remembers how I laughed,
forgets the way my voice cracked when I was nervous,
does my ghost finally let go of my bones?
Until I'm just a crossed out blurb inside someone else’s novel,
do I become a fiction,
or worse, a footnote?

When I am nothing more than a blur in the background of a picture,
a face someone stares at on a dusty photo book and thinks,
“I knew them… didn’t I?”
A name that tastes familiar but no one knows why,
will I still be real?

Or will I just be another ghost that memory keeps locked in a storage box,
beneath someone’s bed,
where no one ever thinks to look?

I dream of permanence like it's salvation,
I want to leave my fingerprints on time itself.
Carve my flesh into the marrow of the world,
but the clock hands don’t wait.
Every second I live is a second I’m being erased,
the timer grinding me into dust.

One day, I will be embers,
the last flickers of heat in a house that used to echo with my spirt,
smoldering in the wreckage of memories no one keeps lit anymore.

They will sweep me away with the ash,
not knowing I was once the fire that kept them warm,
lit the rooms with my stories-
burned bright enough to be remembered,
until they let me die out.

This fear has followed me,
since I was old enough to understand
what it meant to be overlooked.

I’ve etched my name into the backs of notebooks no one will read,
leaving voice memos I never sent just to prove I had something to say
talking to walls and mirrors and bathroom tiles
begging time, pleading with it,
to pause just long enough for someone,
to look at me, and not forget to remember me.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XVII. The distance between the ground and I
Acrophobia: Fear of Heights.


The wind sings in a low, eerie hum,
threading around my ankles like a warning.
It tells me I was not made for this kind of emptiness,
as if it knows I’ve wandered somewhere I was never meant to be.

Above me, the sky stretches out too wide.
Below, the ground has become a memory.
There is nothing in this space to hold me,
no weight in the air to promise safety.

I wasn't meant to be here.
I say it without speaking,
my pulse trying to claw its way up my throat.
My body is stiff as if it knows something I don’t.

My feet pause at the edge, toes curling tight in my shoes,
as if gripping the soles of my sneakers could anchor me.
Like I can strike a deal with physics,
give me just this moment, and I’ll never ask again.

Don’t look down.

The thought strikes quick and sharp,
like a bird crashing against a glass window,
a warning carried off on broken wings.

But it’s already too late.
My stomach folds in on itself like paper,
already bracing for the drop I haven’t yet taken.

Don’t look down.

***

I do.

And the world below twists into something new.
No longer a place I could return to,
but a hungry thing waiting with open arms.
It stretches and tilts, reshaping itself into a threat,
into something vast and waiting,
patient in its promise that I cannot outrun it.

It does not matter that I haven’t jumped.
It’s already pulling me in.

The wind is still singing but the tune has changed.
It’s no longer the simple sound of humming,
but trumpets in the air ready to announce my fall.

Or maybe it’s just trying to keep me company,
here at the edge,
where I am but a feather from a wounded dove.

The wind murmurs that it will carry me home.
And for a moment, just one,
I almost listen.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない




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XVIII. Deuteronomy 10:20.
Theophobia: The fear of God.




Text version: 16+

Spoiler
Samuel 15:3
Now go, attack the Amalekites, and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.
-
How does one reconcile this with love?
How does a god, who is supposed to be good,
command such slaughter without remorse?
The children, the animals, the infants, none of them had a choice.
None of them had a chance. I understand vengeance, I do.
But what kind of justice demands blood from the innocent?
These are not soldiers. These are children too young to even hear their names.
Infants in their mothers’ arms, animals whose only crime was existence.
And yet they all die for someone else's sin.
Tell me again, how does this make sense?
Tell me how a God who would wipe out the unarmed, the unborn, can be called just or merciful.

Deuteronomy 6:5
“You must love Jehovah your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”
-
Love him? I was taught to love the very thing that stripped me of myself.
Every ounce of my energy was poured
Into loving a God who demanded more than I could give.
With all my heart, with all my soul, until I was empty,
until I was a shell of a person,
hollowed out by endless expectations.
Your love chipped away at me, piece by piece, until nothing was left.
The more I loved, the more I disappeared.
Your love was a burden, a weight I couldn’t bear. I gave you everything,
and you gave me nothing but the constant reminder that I was always falling short.

Genesis 16:2
“So Sarʹai said to Abram, "The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her."
-
She gave him her slave like a gift-wrapped apology.
And God stood silent, neither condemning nor comforting.
What kind of God watches a woman hand over another
to be raped for lineage and legacy and doesn’t flinch?
I grew up reading this as if it were a bedtime story.
I clutched a Bible to my chest while monsters crept from its pages, grinning in Hebrew.
You don’t get to call yourself love while blessing wombs carved open with fear.
You don’t get to teach me obedience through the language of trauma.
I looked up to the sky for answers.
All I got was silence,
and scriptures soaked in complicity.

Exodus 21:20-21
“When a man strikes his slave, male or female, with a rod and the slave dies under his hand, he shall be avenged. 21 But if the slave survives a day or two, he is not to be avenged, for the slave is his property.”
-
Jehovah didn’t just allow slavery. He legislated it.
He wrote out the rules,
detailed like a contract signed in bones and bruises.
Survivability became a loophole in justice.
“If they live a little longer, it doesn’t count,”
the verse hums, like a lullaby for sadists.
I was told that this was context, culture, history.
But I watched elders quote scripture like courtroom evidence,
defending cruelty with divine authority.
Jehovah’s law, read like a slave owner’s handbook.
I don't care if he parts seas or resurrects corpses,
any deity who turns people into currency and still expects praise is no god of mine

Numbers 5:22
“May this water that brings a curse to enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.”
-
Ironic, how the God who punishes suspected infidelity,
with forced abortion is worshiped by
people who now march against women’s rights.
He makes her drink bitterness,
not proof but punishment,
and waits for her body to betray her.
That’s not divine justice, it’s ritual humiliation.
Worshiping a God who aborts babies on suspicion.
Suspicion. Not guilt. Not proof.
Just the whisper of sin in a husband's ear, and suddenly her stomach is a courtroom.
Her uterus, a verdict.
I spent years drinking their sermons,
sipping from a goblet filled to the brim with crushed wisteria petals.

Deuteronomy 21:12-13
“You must bring her into your house, and she should shave her head and attend to her nails. She must remove the clothing of her captivity and dwell in your house and weep for her father and her mother a full month. After that you may have relations with her, and you will become her husband and she will become your wife.”
-
How do you grieve with dignity,
when your captor counts the days
like a prison sentence before your body becomes his?
I was taught that Jehovah is love.
That He cares for the brokenhearted.
But your God tells me that mourning is just foreplay.
That grief makes a woman easier to conquer.
Your idea of love included consent-less consummation.
“She wept,” the scripture says. How merciful.
And once her tears dried, he took away her innocence.
That’s the God I was told to serve.
That’s the religion that called me sister while stripping me of safety.
Don't you dare ask me to bow my head again.

Revelation 21:4
"And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away."
-
That used to be my favorite scripture.
I kept it tucked behind my heartbeat, memorized it like a map back home.
I didn’t long for paradise because I missed the dead.
I longed for it because I thought maybe, just maybe, I could ask Jesus why.
Why a perfect God made imperfect humans,
and then demanded perfection from us anyway.
Why we, His so-called children,
were punished for a mistake not our own.
Why He let us suffer, bleed, starve, for generations,
just to prove a point to a snake in the dirt.

But there’s no comfort in that verse anymore.
No gentle wiping of tears, no promise of peace.
Just empty hope poured into a book written by men
who feared the dark so much,
they lit the world on fire and called the ashes holy.
I can’t bring myself to hate a God I no longer believe in.
So I hate man instead.
For needing control so badly, they made God in their own image.
For building an entire theology out of fear and guilt.
For calling it love when it was just manipulation.
For needing to feel watched, known, judged,
so they wouldn't have to face the universe alone.
You know, ଳjellyfishଳ can't swim or shine on their own, but once they absorb light from around them, they're able to shine for themselves! So maybe...I can, too! If I'm around you, maybe I'll be able to shine, too? -

クラゲは夜は泳げない



I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser