tracing the firmament of a memory

springterlude xiii #97 04/22/25

it is almost may, so in almost-may fashion
the clouds still rumble above the trees.
as promised, i see the sprouting
flower buds and the trees are beginning to
present themselves with their greenery.
spring is almost over.

aerodynamics #98 04/22/25

there is this one
photo of me where
i am sitting in a
metal toddler size
plane. sometimes
i wish i could have
used it to take off
so i would no longer
have to suffer.

cattail-spirits #99 04/22/25

my grandmother's house has a pond in the backyard,
so when i was young i always used to pick out a cattail.
i said they looked like some sort of messed up hotdog--
then i tore apart the composition, blowing the remains into
flight. i wonder where all the cattail seeds go after their
brief moments of airtime. perhaps, some sort of heaven.

bloodletting #100 04/22/25

all this sacrifice has not been
for nothing. my blood is beautiful
on something, i devote myself to
martyrism.

as humans, we love things. we attach
to the impermanance, which makes
us the perfect vessels
for relinquishing lifetimes back
to the world.

over and over and over and #101 04/22/25

sometimes i feel like
i am stuck in some
kind of loop or indefinite
state of being where
i say the same thing
over and over again, or
like that one movie about
the guy in the time loop
where the title is like
a holiday or whatever.
regardless-- i am stuck on
the same people (motherfather
womanthatshallnotbenamed
august) the same ideas (change
springdeathlifespaceroadkill
statuesnaturecolor) and the
same memories (dreamingof
everyfuneralihavebeento).

i will not cry any longer #102 04/22/25

this sadness is not forever.
it is impossible to grieve indefinitely,
so it is impossible to be somber infinitely.
i will never secede to my own
selfish desires to
take all the depression into my
arms. there are still
so many things left to do.

untitled viii #103 04/22/25

sometimes it will take a while to get over someone you used to know.

it'll be gone #104 04/22/25

fading, faces
i see what remains
of a happy
past.

apparition.

you cannot
be lingering
for too long.

sin #105 04/22/25

greed is an ailment to the human condition,
but i still find myself trying to keep what is mine.

four thoughts #106 04/22/25

burden;
- i will die one day
- my blood is splattered on someone's heart
- i hate myself
- where is the exit

home yet #107 04/22/25

[am i safe within
the confines of my
existence?]

/i feel the security
wavering and my
pulse quickening./

;how long until it
all falls to ruin?.,,

summer climax #108 04/22/25

timid summer will
one day wipe me clean.

delirium #109 04/22/25

>.> who can actually make that face?
i don't get it. your eyes would physicslly
be outside of their sockets.

delirium pt ii #110 04/22/25

i cannot seperate what is missing from what is already there.
maybe it is my viewpoint of existence that things will fade and
redisribute or my half-drowsy predetermined hallucinations.

theatrics #111 04/23/25

i.
sometimes i read my life as some sort
of fictive-realism piece where (i) the
main character will lose something
and then wish for a blessing from God.
maybe. i am unsure. more often than
not i reside between the crossfire
of a empath heart and a stoic mind--
led astray by my own selfish desires.

ii.
i apathize with the pitiful face of
a somber mourner. it is unlike me
to be so sordid but sometimes the
scene calls for an actor who
can maintain some semblance of his bitter
nature. maybe i could play a hero one day.

iii.
my favorite word in relation to
the art of storytelling is denoument
because i think that once i hit
a denoument it will be glorious and
rusted, i will have mourners and
jeerers. i know at least someone
will be happy i have passed. maybe
when i die i will be too.

mine mine mine #112 04/23/25

one of the seven deadly sins is greed
but i want to keep what is mine
mine forever. i cannot stand the
impermanant.

murdered-never-mystified #113 04/23/25

my favorite trope in writing is that in murder mysteries it's always the butler. i will always aid - never kill - find myself trapped - pushed over the edge - i swear the knife slipped.

[iii[months[without]you](8)] #114 04/23/25

i.
desecrate the memory -- i do not
like to linger on the past. it hurts to
let go, but it hurts to hold on to
this pain. i will lay dormant next
to my metamorphasis. [changing-
never-changer-shedding-never-
letting-go-no-goodbyes]

ii.
[sometimes i feel like
i have to maintain the nuance
because i'm scared that
when you do hear me scream
i'll be furious and angry
and whatever word is a synonym
for rage.]

iii.
i could spend a lifetime
trying to forget about how an
august can graze the sunlight
but maybe i [non-forgetting-
always-bitter] do not choose
to remember when it
all faded away. selected amnesia.

springterlude xiv #115 04/23/25

when it was raining i drew mockups
of flowers. i drew a daffodil, a dandelion
and a crocus. i cannot wait to see them all
in bloom together in the fields.

peeves #116 04/23/25

- wet socks in dry shoes [unchanging]
- sand between my toes [non-leaving]
- docile agreement [impermanant ideals]
- facades of personality [undoing]
- jealousy [ignorant-colored]

beginning of some joke #117 04/23/25

maybe i was never meant to change

principle of life #118 04/23/25

i will become something
beautiful in my next life. i will
reincarnate and remold myself into
some sort of beauty and it
will all make sense.

gtfooms #119 04/23/25

getoutofmyskin
icantfeelwhatit
wasliketobeme
whoamiwhoamiwhoami
getoutofmyskingetoutofmy
skingetoutofmyskingetoutof

m o t h e r #120 04/23/25

moth err moth heir moth hair
mot her moe there.

infinite ways to spell it and
infinitesimal ways to reconvene.

taking taking taking #121 04/24/25

i feel her hands(rot) feel the space
between us, she is trying to reach out
to me. i shudder and try to inch
away from the cold touch of a corpse
but i will never ebb away from my own
death. she tells me that i will join
her one day and i softly acquiesce.

untitled viv #120 04/24/25

sometimes you will never know how well you have it until you see someone else's suffering.

anti-persistent #122 04/24/25

hesitance--

--

--

--

--what happens when we--





fatherhood effigy #123 04/24/25

when a father cries
he is shedding a
husk of stoicism.

my father only
ever cries at funerals
and even then i have
never heard him sob.

i do not know what happens
when a boy becomes a man
but i know that my wonder
will fade into some sort of
unbashed sordid-lonely nature.

tiresome #124 04/24/25

i am exhausted. i feel the
ache deep within my bones,
my shoulders, i can feel the weight
practically consuming me.

it radiates through my thighs
into my stomach and
goes out through my fingers.

hurts to hurt to achingly hurt.

crashout #125 04/24/25

icantkeepdoingthisicantkeep
doingthisicantkeepdoingthisi
cantkeepdoingthisicantkeepdo
ingthisicantkeepdoingthisicant
keepdoingthisicantkeepdoingthis
icantkeepdoingthisicantkeepdoing

no no no no #126 04/24/25

it's okay to say no
say no say no say no say no
always feel like you can say no
no is always no
say no say no say no say no

disdain #127 04/24/25

i have met my mirror-image
and she wants to become me.
one side is immensely ego-boosted
whilst the other is writhing in his delirium.
i do not like being idolized.

'postrophe #128 04/24/25

t's 'nt 'lk m' t'
c'ntr'ct wh't '
s'y b't smts
th' brd'n 'f lng'g
f'ls m'.

untitled x #129 04/24/25

i am hungry for something more than just a tryst.

unclarity #130 04/24/25

the fog is rolling in--
sometimes i cannot
think further than
what lies ahead.

music theory #131 04/24/25

fortissimo
[grandpause]

the world will spin without me

[coda]

untitled xi #132 04/24/25

what if i am screaming so loudly that it does a full loop back to never being heard at all.

soundless #133 04/24/25

howdoiscream--
helpiamscreamingbutihavenomouth--
ihavenomouthsoicannotscream--
whatiftheyallhatemewhatiftheyallhate
mewhatiftheyallhatemewhatiftheyall

love requiem #134 04/24/25

dovesong:
i will love you until the birds lose their feathers

memorial #135 04/24/25

i reached into the recess of my mind
and there you were. i still feel you rotttiing
within me.

setup #136 04/24/25

a similie, a metaphor, and a poem all walk into a bar...

retching up a lover #137 04/24/25

therr are knots in my
stomach you left that i
will never be able to untie.

machinatory #138 04/25/25

everything will dissipate into sameness--
what once was shining gold will become analagous with
perpetual, corroded rust. i will let the machinery
stagnate and one day instead of my
glistening figure you will find
a mangled sillohuette.

weathered #139 04/25/25

i.
i never abandon-- never truly
gone, i will linger until the
sea reaches [and touches]
the moon's sickened paleness.
the soft flit of the dove's wings
inciting a monumentous calamity.

ii.
this rainstorm will come down
on my frail form and wash away
the sin and the hesitance. i will stay
sharp and stubborn and witty,
i will repent for what i haven't done.
making half-apologies so that
i never feel too hurt.

cloudline #140 04/25/25

i will be as free + tangential as a cumulonimbus.

cloudline ii #141 04/25/25

cumulo-nimbus
cummulatively-nimble
cumbersome in nature i will collect and collect and collect until
i feel the weight of it all bringing me back
to my earthen roots.

unknowingly unknown #142 04/25/25

there are just
some things beyond
our mortal ken.

i was never created to
know the secrets of
our universe let alone
of my existence.

philosophy attempts
to rationalize one's
mortal ken, but it is
all too complicated now.

hurts #143 04/25/25

i will stay stagnating in the
bruise. it will ache but it
will all feel like heaven one day.

untitled xii #144 04/25/25

thus, i will live-die and continue to end my beginning.

comeback #145 04/25/25

rearrange the
firmament (i will
always return,

for you.)

springterlude xv #146 04/25/25

i will let the jonquil
bloom, tending to a
non-sentient living
creature as if it
could ever appreciate
it at all.

grow #147 04/25/25

reaching,
reaching,
reaching.

i am always
reaching
for you.

my arms are your
arms are my
roots are my
branches.

untitled xiii #148 04/25/25

everywhere i go is meaningless without you.

body morph #149 04/25/25

i feel my body
get framed discomfortably by
my skin and
i just hide
my stomach now.

untitled xiv #150 04/25/25

what if i died today-- would i still be happy with my life?

 mortality  #151  04/26/25
written the 26th, posted like 15 minutes later due to prior engagements

what is the purpose of
living + being born if
we are meant to die anyway?

i cannot stop existing but
i will also continue dying.

what does this existence mean
to a gravestone?

grasp #152 04/27/25

i feel her hands around my throat.
crawling up my skin and cherishing
the warmth like some parasite.

i let her take advantage of the tide,
i am far too worn out to be fighting.

now i begin #153 04/27/25

stop\start, what if i never amount to anything
-- in my life. typo, sorry. create\destroy.

POINT OF VIEW #154 04/27/25

i feel like i am in a POV[point of view] video
that attempts to emulate the feeling
of ostracization--
i describe my life as these unchanging
"good" and "evil". i do not leave room for
the unknown. i cannot stand gray areas.
-- it's like that one POV where the
children's games are deadly, but instead
of asking about possibilities i ask
about the connotation of an action.

i do not care about outcomes.

typoo #155 04/27/25

typo-- i will misteak my clamdestine life for a decietful miraje.

nube #156 04/27/25

ayer, la lluvia tenía ojos de
una mujer furiosa. hoy,
la lluvia está llorando sobre
el mundo que muere.

back2back #157 04/27/25

i see nothing but my past here//
i am never escaping.

red + blue #158 04/27/25

third dimension--
i will shift what exists in a plane of
paper into someone that
apathizes with what remains
of something so brittle.

cresendo #159 04/27/25

[six/eight]

i am running for you/
everything leads back
to us.

past\love #160 04/27/25

his stomach aches in
the way i denounce.
i wonder if he ever thinks
about me.

sunken #161 04/27/25

dense.

[i will sink for you]

grave digger #162 04/27/25

remains remains of
what you used to be.
dead hands writhe
like bugs.

i will return.

# #163 04/27/25

return 2 you.

1 struggles to 3member the pain 4evr.
it will sprout like bees make 5s and i will be 6 of it all.

lover's grip #164 04/28/25

i.
what if i told you that when i said
i loved you, it was a lie-- that i never
met your family on purpose.
premitions whispered to me the
fate of the lovers-- so i foresake you.

ii.
icantloveyouanymoreicantloveyou
anymoreicantloveyouanymoreicant
loveyouanymoreicantloveyouanymorei
cantloveyouanymoreicantloveyou
anymoreicantloveyouanymoreicantlove
youanymoreicantloveyouanymore.

iii.
all this time, i had been waiting for someone
to love. they say that you will always remember
your first kiss, but the present and the past are all
so muddled i feel that you do not understand
the meaning of an end.

on anthills and teapots #165 04/28/25

when i first met her, she was meek and
i told her -- "i do not see why
our parents expect us to be friends".
but here i am, calling her hours on end
and we both laugh about the same
things. the same people. the same jokes.
we know everything about eachother.
i know her mother's full name, she
knows my favorite songs. her favorite
color is red. and in my opinion--
she is the epitome of the color red.
driven, passionate, lovely, and mad.
maybe we were always meant to
laugh together.

i shake her hand and i do not look back.

pictograph #166 04/28/25

island

[i am desolate & barren]
//////wave sea ocean wave////