No Words

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 67
Yes, I'm back into writing poetry again - I've spent a long time reading other poetry, perfecting my style, and editing this poem. I hope it's better than my last few poems :oops: . It still needs to be improved, though, so any help is appreciated.

This was inspired by one of my lines as the character Gloucester in King Lear. (The first line in the poem)


No words, no words: hush.

A certain intensity and harshness
circle your consonants, as they
drip off your tongue like watermelon seeds
in summertime. They blast into resting water
so quickly; the water only has time to emanate
little rings around the imprint
in a subtle attempt to heal it's wound.

Perhaps it's a specific roughness on your vowels
that makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -
their spines in a deep contraction, tumbling
onto busy sidewalks below. With their edges folded in,
shoes of street-goers crunch their solidity into sheets
of crinkled paper, matting the cement with softness.

It seems that your speech turns innocent cotton-ball clouds
into raging gray streaks shielding the sky. The blueness
once revealed is covered and hidden, as the clouds
pour their anxieties into resting pools of water, and atop
helpless leaves clinging to their branches of origin.

No words, no words: hush.
Everything is still.
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5688
Reviews 254
This is very good. I particularly liked the part
Perhaps it's a specific roughness on your vowels
that makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -
their spines in a deep contraction, tumbling


That sent shivers down my own spine. Great job on this, it stayed focused and had some wonderfully rich language. I applaud you.
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 17580
Reviews 798
Neat poem. :)

My poetry critiques aren't worth beans, but here are my thoughts anyway:

A certain intensity and harshness
circle your consonants, as they
drip off your tongue like watermelon seeds
in summertime. They blast into resting water
so quickly;

I don't really think of watermelon seeds as being this violent. I mean, intensity and harshness? Blasting into water? I can understand taking the common and making it something uncommon, but I felt this was too much of a stretch.

in a subtle attempt to heal it's wound.

Should be its.

Perhaps it's a specific roughness on your vowels
that makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -
their spines in a deep contraction, tumbling
onto busy sidewalks below.

Ohh, I like that. :)

matting the cement with softness.

That too.

The blueness
once revealed is covered and hidden, as the clouds
pour their anxieties into resting pools of water, and atop
helpless leaves clinging to their branches of origin.

"Anxieties into resting pools of water" was pretty cool, but the "atop helpless leaves clinging to their branches of origin" confused me. What were you trying to say here?

I thought the ending could have been more poignant as well.

But overall, a very nice piece! You'll have to take my criticisms with a grain of salt since I'm worthless with poetry (I just like to read it :P).
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 688
A certain intensity and harshness
circle your consonants, as they
drip off your tongue like watermelon seeds
in summertime. They blast into resting water

Blast and watermelon make me think of pokemon. I'm not all that intimidated.

No words, no words: hush.
Everything is still.

You don't trransition into this at all, so I figure you just feel like using the circular motion for the heck of it. Not unless your a bad Steinbeck novel are you likely to get away with it.

This was inspired by one of my lines as the character Gloucester in King Lear.


^^ love him.
Carpe Diem.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 67
Areida -

[You asked about what I meant at the end of the third stanza.]

I think I'm confusing you just at the end. The word 'origin' doesn't have any special meaning, except for the scientific one which is that the leaf grew on that branch. They're just clinging to the literal branches they grew on. I'll change that line a bit when I edit, so it'll be more clear.


Areida and xanthan gum -

The watermelon seeds weren't meant to be blasting with intensity and harshness; just dripping off your tongue. I never realised it sounded like that, so thanks for pointing it out. :)

Also, thank you all for your critiques!
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 171
I love the water melon bit, its a powerful bit of imagery (dripping off your tongue.) I suppose its the colours that made it real for me.
Over all I liked this piece, the only problem I have with it is the last line. "atop" I'm not sure about it. I am also confused.

Well done :D
King lear is a cool thing to base it on!!!
Lexy x
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter O'Toole




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 915
Hi green_river -


Let me be candid with you--after your first meager attempts at poetry and your response to the criticisms you received, I suspected you would either continue posting at that level or you would give poetry up entirely. I am pleased to see you have done neither of those things: welcome.

I don't know that the repetition of the KL line at the end of this strengthens it in any appreciable manner. S1 is the focal point of this, but you should avoid heavy repetition of words in close quarters (e.g. "Water"). You have a nonexistent segue into S2 which detracts from the overall effect. S3 is not worth the trouble to revise--cut it.

I suggest you run with the Watermelons the whole way through before setting them down.


Best of luck,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1490
Reviews 9
lol, brad made me laugh just then
"I suggest you run with the Watermelons the whole way through before setting them down"
Sorry I'm over that now :oops:
I actually liked this piece, and the watermelon part was definitely my favourite.
It was a good bit of imagery, I've decided that my next poem is going to start off with describing a certain food, :D
The show must go on- Moulin Rouge




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 42
When I read poetry - What makes it good is the ablilty of the writer to make me think. Deep thought is to be expected when reading poetry, and this one definitly recieved just that. I loved your wording and metaphors.
makes the leaves curl up inside themselves -

Love it. Sometimes I feel like I am doing the very same thing - curling up inside myself...and that is the best time to write. Which I think you may have found out while writing this - but anyway, I definitly like your style, keep it up.
I open my mouth to sing, and you can see right through me.
I open my eyes to see, And I’m invisible
I look around me to take in my surroundings
And I disappear - And then the words begin...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3454
Reviews 694
I like the idea here.

However, besides the first two lines and the last two lines--which happen to be the same--there is no poetry. These are paragraphs. My advice would be to find a friend or teacher or relative etc who has never read this before, close your eyes, and have them read it to you. It's hard to tell if it's poetic when you are the one that wrote it--so hearing it from another perspective will really help you.

The imagery is great here; but this is really still one or two very descriptive paragraphs. There are just too many complete sentences, too many 'they's, 'the's, 'a's, etc.

But the idea? It's wonderful :D

Happy Editing!
Meg
My Literary and Arts Blog

"I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met." -The Wedding Date



Imagine if everybody had a little Wii sports Mii to say "Great Shot!" everytime they did something right.
— TheMythMaster