Brooke Leighann

My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann
So many times I've wished for your hand
Your words were cruel but your touch was soft
I’d give and I’d give but it was never enough

You had my heart in your hands
My mind was poisoned by your demands
I gave you all I could possibly give
Still I held on until the end

Oh how I wanted to lock you away
To keep you sheltered from life’s cruel ways
I held you close, you pushed me away
Only once I gave in and allowed you to stray

And there you went, gone from my arms
You were forgotten but not for too long
When I reached for you once again
It was too late, we had reached our end

But darling, now the darkness folds in
I'm crushed beneath these blankets of sin.
I made you my life, I made you my queen
One more day, I’d give anything

My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann
You were no angel, I’ve come to understand
But Oh those sweet days, I’ll never forget
For there is no regret in the time we spent

It's almost like Poe, except not sadistic and pessimistic enough. Rofl-copter. I like it. It is pretty hard to write a good & different love poem.

I liked it. It seems well written and also like thought went into the process. It didn't feel spontanious, and though in a fairly general topic, love, it was probably one of the few I have understood enough to like. Good job.

Nice poem, rose! I think you did a good job on the rhyming scheme for the most part, but there were a couple of stanzas like the last two verses in the second stanza, that didn't rhyme at all. Also, you didn't keep the same rhyming pattern throughout. For most poems, it is essential that you keep the same pattern (except for freestyle, of course), especially in rhyming ones.

The changes are in bold, and my suggestions are in italics.

My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann
So many times I've wished for your hand
Your words were cruel but your touch was soft
I’d give and I’d give but it was never enough (too many syllables-take out one "I'll")

You had my heart in your hands;
My mind was poisoned by your demands (add period)
I gave you all I could possibly give
Still[/b],[/b] I held on until the end (add period)

Oh[b],[/] how I wanted to lock you away (add hyphen)
To keep you sheltered from life’s cruel ways (add period)
I held you close, you pushed me away (add either semicolon or hyphen)
Only once I gave in and allowed you to stray (add period)

And there you went, gone from my arms (I'd change the first part to "And then you left, escaped from my arms or something like that-one you have is a little awkward phrasing.)
You were forgotten but not for too long (add period)
When I reached for you once again (take out when at the beginning)
It was too late, we had reached our end (add "But" at the beginning of the verse)

But darling, now the darkness folds in
I'm crushed beneath these blankets of sin.
I made you my life, I made you my queen
One more day, I’d give anything (I'd add "For" at the beginning of this line.)

My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann
You were no angel, I’ve come to understand
But Oh those sweet days, I’ll never forget (don't capitalize "Oh" and add a comma before it.)
For there is no regret in the time we spent (I don't like this last line. It just ends too...abruptly. And it doesn't go with the flow of the rest of the poem. I'd suggest changing it (sorry I don't have any suggestions for that!)) (add period)

You need to work on punctuating your poems. Punctuation can evoke more feeling, add suspense, calm a reader down-there's no limit to the powers of punctuation! That'd be my first suggestion.

This was my favorite stanza:

But darling, now the darkness folds in
I'm crushed beneath these blankets of sin.
I made you my life, I made you my queen
One more day, I’d give anything

You had a great rhyming scheme here, there was emotion here, and the line "I made you my life, I made you my queen" was the best out of the whole poem, to me at least. I'd suggest modeling the stanzas after this-you've got the rhyming, you've got good lines-I just love it! Just don't forget punctuation.

I hope this helps a little, and good luck with the competition! Which one are you entering?

Nice job.

Wiggy

My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann
So many times I've wished for your hand
Your words were cruel but your touch was soft
I’d give and I’d give but it was never enough

First of all, I have NO idea how to pronounce Leighann. Not that it affects the poem that much or anything, but it makes it harder for me to read it aloud, or even in my head. I get caught on that part. I'd guess it's said something like 'lay-hann' though - is that right?

There seems to be a vague-ish rhyme scheme. None of it quite rhymes though, so maybe it's the rhythm that I'm noticing. I'm not sure there. Is there a word for something that almost rhymes?

So far, I'm thinking it sounds like something that'd be quite easy to sing. Not that I'd know there - I'm not that musical - but I say that because of the rhythm that's there.

It's quite a sad poem, but not in an angsty way, which is good.

Oh how I wanted to lock you away
To keep you sheltered from life’s cruel ways
I held you close, you pushed me away
Only once I gave in and allowed you to stray

Have to say, not so sure about all four lines rhyming, 'specially when three of them end with 'way'.

It's quite simple, but in a good way, I think. I read some poems, and have no idea what the person is talking about, but I can understand this one.

Main thing to work on is punctuation, but I think Wiggy's got that covered.

My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann
You were no angel, I’ve come to understand
But Oh those sweet days, I’ll never forget
For there is no regret in the time we spent

Last line possibly a bit long... it just seems odd to end it like that, I'm not sure why. Maybe try something shorter like: 'I've no regret in the time we spent.'

Have to say though, I LOVE how you repeated the first line (My dear, sweet Brooke Leighann) in the last stanza. It draws attention to it, and there's just something about it that I like a lot...

Overall, nice poem, not overly complicated but as I said before, in a good way. I may well come back to it if I think of anything else, but for now, good luck with it, and feel free to ask if you want anything else looked at.

Hope I helped,

Kay

I have NO idea how to pronounce Leighann.

I didn't think about this! Leighann is actually pronounced LEE-ANN. It is just an awkward spelling.

I didn't want to force the rhyming too much. But I am glad there is a rhythm to it! Also, I was afraid it would seem angsty and depressing so I'm glad to hear otherwise.

Yes, my last line does seem to be a problem. I'll work on it.

Thank you so much for the critique!


As always,

Miss POKE

Very Nice poem! I would regularly go into critiquing it, but I noticed that everything I would say has already been said. So, I will just say that your poem has a good rythm, and great ryhming. However, not a lot really jumped out at me. However, nice job not forcing the ryhming. Keep it up!
Lillizard wuz here.