monkeys and bears and tears (oh my!)

I don’t want to live in an,
Only good enough to not kill myself world.

All i feel is too much of everything,
But not enough of what you blame me for,
To understand why you hate me

All i do is write poems about how you hurt me,
It's the only thing that stops that leaky faucet,
From dripping over
And over
And over
And over.
Until i go insane.

My last words to you were,
I hate you.
You died and now i am locked in my own mind.
Trapped in a world where i live with the guilt
Knowing i was the last one you spoke to.

There have been 4,466 suicides this year. As of January 2nd, at 12:30pm.

It is said that a person dies by suicide, on average, every 40 seconds.

As I write this, we are 68,401 seconds into 2024. Statisticly, there should only be 1,710 suicides so far this year, but we have passed that by 2,756.

This poem is not a motivational speech. It is not a rise to action or empowerment. Instead, it is an inscription for the gravestones of those who are unnamed, unknown, unheard, and forgotten.

This is not a cry for help. This is not me bringing down the mood with my never ending fascination with death and those who have lost their lives. This is not conforming to social norms to be seen as polite, this is taking away the silence and speaking for all of those 4,466 friends. Mothers. Fathers. Grandparents. Children. Lonely, outgoing, shy, bubbly, angry, patient, narcissisteic, stable and unstable. And everything in between.

Statistically, another person has taken their life as you have listened to me speak these words. And as we sit here, in this space together, there is another who will be dead in approximately 20 seconds.

I only share my story online, with those who do not not know me personally. I do not scream with instability, rather I cry in the darkness and pray to be heard. I do not beg for a permanent solution to temporary problems, because these are not temporary problems.

Suicide is not working towards a quiet rest at a long day after work, it is quitting the job that has had you working overtime for as long as you can remember. The thing is, I dont even want to quit the job, I just want to go on vacation but thats not an option.

Suicide is not only putting a gun to your head but its also not looking when you cross the street, even though you used to. It’s seeing if your closet is strong enough to hold your weight and not being able to remember the last time you have told the truth. It is hating yourself for the habits you cannot control and the person that you have become because you know that you could try harder but you dont.

But all I can think about is the phone call my father would get and how that would break him. And I think about my friends who would never hear from me again and the teachers that would be told I would not be coming to class anymore and the people who smiled at me on the bus who would not have anyone to smile at anymore.

The truth is, as you look at your phone screen right now, there is someone, somewhere, who is bleeding out. As you watch TV there is someone suffocating and as you have do your homework there is someone overdosing on the street. How loudly do I need to cry before you hear me. How loudly do you need to cry before someone hears you.

If today is the last day you ever want to breathe, listen to my words, just for a minute.

JI see how how hard you cry.
I have spent nights lying on the bathroom floor sitting in puddles of tear and blood, uncertain of what was going to drain from my body faster.

I see the letters you have deleted and the scars you have, even though you hide them.

I have screamed at a God who I have asked to kill me more times than I have asked for strength and more times than I have said thank you for my privileged life.

Listen to me.

I cant take away any of your pain, but I promise you that if the words people say hurt the enough to make you want to end your life, then there are words out there strong enough to save it.

Dont give up. Hold on a little longer, my friend. Rise up, for the 6 people who took their own lives as I spoke to you today.