When The Music's Over

Feeling

These days,
I'm in a constant search
for the smallest of reminders
that I'm alive.
a sip of coffee,
the taste of morning oatmeal
and chirping of birds
in this golden place.
still, I search, because
something is missing.
the feeling of a kiss,
of knowing that I'm loved,
that you love me,
that I won't leave this world
alone.

untitled

lately, i have been overcome
with an overwhelming feeling
of wanting to start over.
sometimes fresh, no memories,
no mistakes, nothing.
just a liminal soundtrack
and grainy photos
to take me back to a time
when i was happy,
when i could be anything I wanted to be
and i still had hope
that everything would turn out okay
and one day
i'd have everything
i wanted
now,
all i am,
is getting older,
weaker, and lonelier
by the day,
nearly thirty,
on an endless voyage
in search of something
that might not exist.
maybe it would if i could try again,
maybe there are many mistakes, lies,
disappointments, and failures
on my ledger to make me worth saving.
as much as i may try,
i think they've left a permanent stain.
for now,
this story still doesn't have a title.

your flight was delayed

it's rainy and dark and cold
and i sit in a corridor
on an upholstered chair
that reminds me of what things
must have been like
forty years ago.
as i put away my phone
to preserve its juice
(there are no outlets around here)
i can almost hear the sound of
synth, smell aquanet
and musk
and ronald reagan's voice
playing on the radio.
sheets of rain pour down the windows,
a flash of lighting decorates the air,
and planes sit in place,
waiting for day to break.
a chill runs down my body
as i gaze at the others around,
families, couples, and me,
alone.
alone. always alone.

i came here to be whisked away to
something greater than myself,
somewhere, someplace
where i could be happy.
and yet,
a voice comes over the PA
your flight was delayed,
due to inclement weather
-- another lighting flash --
we will let you know
as soon as we are ready to board
-- thunder and lightning now --
we thank you for your patience.
lightning strikes thrice
and i wonder
if it's the start of something new,
a fresh start, a new beginning.

until then,
i wait,
because that's all i can do.

a winter chill

I woke up this morning
with the strangest chill
all throughout my body.
I got a sweater from my closet
and wrapped a fleece around my arms
as I got ready to start my day.
It should be summer and the sun
(absent for the last few days)
gives a little tease.

I'm starting to wonder if I
brought the bad weather with me
in my effort to escape.
frost on the windows
tells me something's not right,
as I face another day
in this endless liminal hallway
of my life, just on the precipice of something
maybe forever.

everything will be okay

I don't know how to explain it
only that I know it's true:
keep on going,
for the worst is over,
and everything will be okay.

When You Were Young

Once upon a time,
you were young and full of dreams,
unburdened with the worries of the world.
anything was possible
and your days were full of lazy,
careless fun. Life was a fairytale,
people were basically good
and everything you wanted was within reach.
that girl is gone,
but maybe you can find her again.

Staycation

I was whisked away today
from my daily life
back to 1965
(I swear they must have filmed
an episode of Mad Men here)--
all it took to enter this other world
this safer one
was an hour's drive.
I feel myself changing
the longer I spend in this golden land,
the sun against my skin
a grand elixir curing me of everything
that's past.

my hair is longer, my dresses flow
and as of today,
I'm officially a California girl
(I have the paperwork to prove it)
and yet-
sweat still cakes around my feet,
bags around my eyes,
that familiar, ugly feeling.

I am so tired,
and all I long for is a semblance of peace.
I will try my best to drink it in.

you

all it took for me to okay
was for you to smile at me
your eyes on mine
a warm glow
like the sun shining on my skin
and yet
somehow more;
if you love me,
then all will be okay.

waiting for the sun

the sky is filled
with a late afternoon golden glow
it's still,
almost too much,
like the world isn't real
all a studio backlot
in a movie with no ending.

island

another day in my lonely life
every day, less real
and further from shore
as i watch life happen to other people
and all i get is older.
all i'd like is to
escape to somewhere safe
somewhere i am loved
but i think i might be stuck here.

Nostalgia

Lately,
I find myself
with a nostalgia
for a past that never existed
a time when I was happy in my skin
a time when the world was still filled with hope
and opportunity.
I want a hard reset on life.
Maybe it will go, somewhere different,
somewhere happier.
that girl spent all her time
dreaming of being older.
but she doesn't understand
not a single bit
the power of limitless dreaming
and a world of possibility.

Evening Report

Stop for a moment
I read the evening report--
answer for yourself.