Shadow Creepers - Chapter 1

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 83957
Reviews 1464
Okay, this type of story is a first for me. I never took this path in the fantasy world.

It was coming closer. A tall figure coming slowly as if a lion was ready to pounce on its prey. Autumn was trapped in the corner of a dark alley. There was no where to go.

The figure stopped. Autumn was shaking all over. If she stood up, she would fall from her wobbling legs.

The figure held out its hand, palm up. Autumn looked up to see it but couldn’t make out its appearance in the dark.

“Come with me,” it said in the most comforting voice. Autumn was amazed a spooky figure like that would sound so…friendly.

Autumn lifted her hand. Her fears melted away as she reached for its hand. She was so close but the hand was slipping away. The figure seemed to be leaving her into the darkness, still saying, “Come with me, come with me…”


Autumn woke up with sweat dripping down her face, shaking uncontrollably. She was so close, closer than she ever gotten. Every time she had this dream, the figure would say the same thing and Autumn would think, If only I got closer…

Her black lab jumped on her bed and kissed her. Autumn sat up and pet her puppy, Roscoe. If only she knew what that dream meant…



That morning, Autumn Springer woke up from the same dream again by the sound of her sister, Loretta-Jane.

“Wake up!” called Lori. “You’ll be late for school!”

Autumn dressed and hurried downstairs into the kitchen where her mother and sister were eating eggs and bacon.

“April Fools’!” said Lori.

Autumn groaned. “It’s the first day of Summer Break!” said Autumn, hating herself. “You little brat!”

“Come eat,” said Mom, ignoring their conversation.

Autumn sat down but didn’t eat.

“Go fetch a waffle if you don’t want any eggs,” said Mom.

Autumn took some bacon and ate it. Mom stood up when she finished and did the dishes.

“Hey, Mom,” said Lori, “I’ll be meeting my friends now. See ya!” Lori set her dishes on the counter and left the house. Autumn did the exact same thing.

She walked down the driveway and stood by the mailbox where her friends, Lera and Brian usually meet her. Soon enough, they both came over. Lera was a smart brunette with glasses while Brian was a tall black man.

“Hey, Fall!” called Lera then her excited face turned to worry. “You’re not looking too well.”

“Did you have that dream again?” asked Brian.

Autumn nodded. “I got much closer. Actually, I had the same dream twice. It drove me insane.”

“Twice? You had a rough night, didn’t you?”

Autumn looked up at the bus stop and saw Lera turning a corner then looked back at the others. “Ya’ll ready for the movies?”



Autumn got home and collapsed on the couch. She had quite a fun day not thinking of that dream until she now fell asleep…

There was Lori screaming, sweating, shaking in the corner of a dark room.

The figure approached her the same way it approached Autumn. It held out its hand again and said, “Come with me,” in the same comforting voice.

Lori stared. She stopped shaking and screaming in fear. She reached for its hand and stood with its help. Autumn watched, horrified, as they walked away…


“Autumn! Wake up!”

Autumn opened her eyes to see her mother shaking in fear.

“Lori isn’t home yet! She’s three hours late!”

Autumn looked at the clock. It was quarter to nine. Lori was never late, let alone three hours late.

“Where’d she go?” asked Autumn, sitting up.

“She said she’d come home from the movies.”

“I’ll go check there. You call the police or something,” said Autumn and left the house. She ran down the street toward the movies.

People of all ages were running out of the doors. Lori was no where to be found. She fought the crowd into the theatre and found the trail of people leaving theater two. She went to the doors and caught one of Lori’s friends.

“Where’s Lori?!” shouted Autumn over the screams.

“I don’t know! Maybe in the room still!”

“Don’t leave yet! Why was the movie three hours late?!”

“Technical difficulties. Let me go!”

She ran away with the last of the people. Autumn entered the empty, quiet theater, not believing what she saw inside.

Lori sat in the corner of the theater, shaking uncontrollably, sweating like crazy, panicking frantically. The same figure in Auntumn’s dreams approached her cautiously then stopped in front of Lori, holding out its hand.

“Come with me…”

Lori stared into its face, free of shaking and panic. Autumn tried to run over but her legs wouldn’t move. Autumn was sweating and shaking herself, worried of what might happen next.

Lori set her hand onto the figure’s hand. The figure lifted her up and walked away into the dark. Autumn couldn’t do anything. She couldn’t move out of fear. Autumn just wanted to scream but nothing came out. She watched with horror and fear as they walked into the wall and slowly vanished.

When they were gone, Autumn collapsed on her knees and started crying into her hands.

Her sister was gone forever.



Autumn’s mother wasn’t taking the news too well. The story was on the television on many different channels the next morning, as well as the morning newspaper. When Roscoe brought it in, Autumn saw a picture of her sister on the front page.

Lera and Brian were much more quiet than usual. They were also surprised to see Autumn in an explicitly good mood.

“Fall, are you even aware that your sister was kidnapped?” asked Brian, watching Autumn rush around the kitchen.

“Yes, of course. Do you think I should make cookies or brownies?” she asked with a scent of humor in her voice.

“Autumn, this is really odd behavior when your sister has been kidnapped,” remarked Lera, looking a but worried.

Autumn looked as if she would cry.

“Nice job,” mumbled Brian to Lera .

“Does this mean you don’t want brownies?” asked Autumn, her sad face turning into a curious stare.

Lera and Brian stared in disbelief.

“Okay, okay,” Autumn gave up. “I am worried but it’s not like I can do anything about it.”

“How about your dreams?” asked Lera.

Autumn sighed and thought about any past dreams she had. “I did have the same dream when I got home yesterday, only it was about Lori, not me. I had the dream during my nap then Mom woke me up, shrieking that my sister was three hours late.”

“Well, that’s too much of a coincidence,” said Brian. “You might have predicted Lori’s disappearance.”

“Oh, please, Brian,” said Lera. “No one can predict anything. It’s noto possible. It’s just a coincidence. If the same coincidence happens anymore, then we’ll think about your hypothesis. But one piece of evidence isn’t enough to prove anything. We will just have to wait and see what happens next.”




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 9907
Reviews 506
Hello ^_^.


‘It was coming closer. A tall figure coming slowly as if a lion was ready to pounce on its prey. Autumn was trapped in the corner of a dark alley. There was no where to go.’

- Repetition of ‘coming’ makes it feel redundant.
- ‘coming slowly as if a lion was ready to pounce on its prey’ - confusing. I think you want a simile here, in which case it should be something more like, ‘coming slowly, like a lion ready to pounce’.
- ‘on its prey’ isn’t really needed, and breaks the flow of the sentence.
- ‘no where’ = ‘nowhere’.


‘Autumn sat up and pet her puppy,’

- ‘pet’ = ‘petted’.


‘“I’ll go check there. You call the police or something,” said Autumn and left the house.’

- ‘said Autumn’ is not needed here. We already know who’s speaking.


‘Her sister was gone forever.’

- How does Autumn know this?


‘Autumn’s mother wasn’t taking the news too well.’

- That’s a bit of an understatement, surely? If her daughter disappeared, I’d have imagined she’d be losing it.


The dialouge at the end of the story also feels rather rough (try imagening people saying it). It could do with some revisions to get it to feel more natural.


Anyways, the story itself is quite nice (actually, it resembles my own story in a number of ways) and brings up a sense of mystery (which I always like).

Keep on writing 8).
I wrote the above just for you.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 16552
Reviews 376
Hmmm... I found this rather dry.

Why would the first day of summer break be on April Fools' Day? That doesn't really make any sense. Plus, I know a lot of students know the last day of school by heart, especially when it's nearing the end.

One thing that struck me the most was that this piece didn't seem very real. It is essential to establish plausibility with your reader, otherwise they won't believe your characters and the world they live in. And if they don't suspend their beliefs for your characters, then they won't read what you have written any longer than they have to. Try to make your characters alive with more emotions, that will help your story.

I also found myself fazing out while reading. This is usually a sign that the reading is either over one's head or too boring to keep one's attention. I think your story had the latter problem. There isn't hardly anything in here that keeps one glued to the story, even the dialogue is boring.

Sorry, this one wasn't for me.
Perception is everything.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 59
Hmm...April in summer...that's odd. Or maybe it's just me. I'm not good with time zones, seasons, etc. and what-not.
“Autumn, this is really odd behavior when your sister has been kidnapped,” remarked Lera, looking a but worried.
:o
“No one can predict anything. It’s noto possible. It’s just a coincidence. If the same coincidence happens anymore, then we’ll think about your hypothesis. But one piece of evidence isn’t enough to prove anything. We will just have to wait and see what happens next.”

There's noto sucho thingo aso carelesso spellingo mistakeso. (JK)
“No one can predict anything. It’s noto possible. It’s just a coincidence. If the same coincidence happens anymore, then we’ll think about your hypothesis. But one piece of evidence isn’t enough to prove anything. We will just have to wait and see what happens next.”



When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it.
— Grace Helbig