The Silent

So...this idea blew up (like my country), so I'm going to make something up. Thats new. Hopefully.


Chapter One
John Blaire hugged his coat tighter as the chilling wind numbed his face and fingers. With quick, shot strides, he crossed the darkened alley, lighted only by a single, flickering street lamp. The cold stone echoed in the silence. As he walked, John Blaire smiled to himself, as today, he had just closed another deal that enlarged his already successful business. He thought of how his wife would greet him when he came home, and how she would react when he told her this wonderful news. Suddenly, a scraping sound came from within the shadows. Glancing suspiciously behind him, John quickened his pace.

Not bad, just take off the exclamation marks in the las two sentences. It makes the end have less effect.

Better now? (I guess it does take off a bit of excitement)

It's okay, but I think some parts require a bit more description. Like maybe giving us some idea of why Jeffery's jumping off a bridge. I mean besides the fact that he was too depressed to live. And how about adding some more excitment at the point when he's saved? Adjectives, my friend! Adjectives!
Sorry to sound so critical.

Hello! This is pretty long, so I'll critique it in parts. Hope you don't mind. I have a kind of short attention span.

1
Your beginning made me interested, though I think it might be even better if you started describing the situation, (Jeffery perched on the bridge, his hand on the rail, the dark) before you talk about his emotions and intentions, and the way he's interacting with his surroundings. Just an idea.

After a while, a monotonous voice stated, "I saved you from death. However, I can still give you death if you chose it. The only other alternative is obedience. Total obedience. I will let you think about it."

Jeffery thought about it in the darkness of the car. He had been moments away from death, until this man came and saved him.

"I will choose obedience," replied Jeffery.

“Do you promise total obedience?”

“Yes. I promise.” [/ quote]

The dialogue here sounds awkward and unnatural, and there is a bit of repetition that doesn't really help your flow.

This is going to sound weird, but I actually think you need more angst in this first chapter. One does not go from trying to end their own life to being a crime-solving detective person, trying to figure out a mystery. It just doesn't happen that quickly, unless the person has a personality disorder like bipolarity. Jeffery's transformation needs to happen slowly. It might be cool if Jeff protests when the man first grabs him.


2
Again, what is with this Jeffery!? Heh, I hope I'm not sounding mean, but he's totally unbelievable! Also, I think maybe you should establish his age in the first chapter. Because of his reaction, I thought he was a kid but now he's buying cigars. Also, in the car, an adult would probably be more worried about what the guy planned to do with him after he promised total obedience.


3
How does he know Cynic is definitely a man? I like the way you did the phone conversation, but if it were being overheard, wouldn't whoever was listening hear the first part too?

“You will listen for the words emphasized like this, understand?”

This part. It's not that hard to figure it out with him saying this, but if you didn't hear him say it it would be almost impossible.

Maybe you could have the not also say 'Watch for emphasized words.' That would be an easy way to fix this, unless the note has to only say 'watch man right.'

I only read the first three chapters. But if your MC was trying to kill himself, why would he owe someone and swear to obey them if they ruin his death? They wouldn't be saving his life, they'd be screwing up his suicide. Anyways, he just promises to obey them? Without any information? Or payment?

Odd.

Maybe it's explained in later chapters.

Buuuut, how old is this guy? Who is he? A spy? A travelling magician? You don't give us any description of him. No background info or anything.

I'd need to know more to get into the story.

And your chapters are really little. You could fit most of them into one.



Anyways, the writing's not very bad, my worst issue is hearing jeff jeff jeff all the time. It's good. decent. Keep trucking.

I..um..kinda' rewrote my story. Hehe.