Fire (haiku)

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London Aspen
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Fri Nov 17, 2006 3:14 am
London Aspen says... · Fri Nov 17, 2006 3:14 am
Fire

Cinders blushing red,
Seeking wood. Desperate flames
Jump from log to log.
Last edited by London Aspen on Fri Nov 17, 2006 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"When Ajax strives some rock's vast weight to throw,
The line too labors, and the words move slow;" -Alexander Pope
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Via
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Fri Nov 17, 2006 3:59 am
Via says... · Fri Nov 17, 2006 3:59 am
Well, I am not fond of Haiku's...at all. I feel they lack meaning.

So, as far as my haiku expertise goes...this is good. But I don't like the last line...it doesn't make a statement.

Sorry I can't be much help.
Meg
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Snoink
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Fri Nov 17, 2006 4:46 am
Snoink says... · Fri Nov 17, 2006 4:46 am
I like haikus! I may be the only one who does like them in this site, but still!

I think that too many weak words are used in this. Like ashes... ashes imply something that is gray and dusty. Perhaps you're thinking of embers? And brightly is such a typical word of fire... I would go for something a little more bolder.

The middle line...don't use memorable. It doesn't mean anything. It seems like you're only trying to go for syllable count. So, instead of memorable, think of other words that indirectly link up with fire.

Yeah... hope that helped! :D
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Shine
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Fri Nov 17, 2006 5:49 pm
Shine says... · Fri Nov 17, 2006 5:49 pm
I like them too...

Umm.. the last line really didn't work well.

That was a good try i'll call it.

Keep writing.

-Ani.:)
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London Aspen
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Fri Nov 17, 2006 6:51 pm
London Aspen says... · Fri Nov 17, 2006 6:51 pm
Thanks for replying guys! I took your advice and re-wrote it.-London
"When Ajax strives some rock's vast weight to throw,
The line too labors, and the words move slow;" -Alexander Pope
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