Speechless

Speechless

My mouth is open, wide and boundless
My voice is here, but soundless
You stare at me and smile in a way that seems endless
Is it whole-hearted or meaningless
Those piercing eyes, full of captive loneliness
Those tears that burned your cheeks are cheerless
Your words in which you speak are timeless
Those charming moments spent with you are priceless

My voice is here but soundless
My feelings are purposeful and ceaseless
Undeclared and almost pointless
Unshared and countless
The love I hide is limitless
I wonder greatly if it will ever ring out me…
Or if you’ll continue thinking that you are forever loveless

Okay.

Here are my suggestions:

1. If you're determined to write a rhyming poem, here's a hint - not all words that end in 'less' rhyme. It just gets annoying. Also, stick to your rhyme scheme.

2. Come up with a steady rhythm and stick to it. Otherwise, it reads too choppily.

I kind of like the message and the words/images you used, but you definitely need to work on rhyme and rhythm. And use words that don't end in 'less' so much.

Welcome to YWS.

Crysi wrote:Okay.

Here are my suggestions:

1. If you're determined to write a rhyming poem, here's a hint - not all words that end in 'less' rhyme. It just gets annoying. Also, stick to your rhyme scheme.

2. Come up with a steady rhythm and stick to it. Otherwise, it reads too choppily.

I kind of like the message and the words/images you used, but you definitely need to work on rhyme and rhythm. And use words that don't end in 'less' so much.

Welcome to YWS.

Trust me I am no poet nor will I ever claim to be! I may be Half-Note-James...but I'm hardly musical...and when you're from east Tennessee you can make any word rhyme with another...you'll have to excuse my ignorance...lol...though really I wasn't trying to rhyme my words (I suppose it appears that way) I just thought it the whole "less" thing was catchy...oh well! ^_^

Thanks for the comment...I appreciate it very much. ^_^

My problem with this is too many cliches it like an overload of cliches. Also i agree with Crysi the rythem is hard to keep up with. In between welcome to YWS hope you enjoy it here.