The Center

This wasn't meant to be a poem...at all, but it kind of ended up being a free-verse. Tell me what you think.
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Who the hell do you think you are?
You like to pretend you’re bright,
And that everybody needs you,
Just like the sun.
Well, sorry to inform you, darling;
You are not the center of the universe.
Oh, honey, don’t panic.
I’m sure someone loves you.
There always is someone,
Someone that you can throw away,
The minute they forget you’re the center of their world,
Or at least supposed to be.
You love to be whatever that someone is,
While you play yourself up to be one-of-a-kind.
Oh, don’t cry, dear!
I never meant to tell you that you aren’t as unique as you’ve fool yourself,
And everyone else around into thinking,
But whoops, I think I just did.
Get over it..
Disregard it.
Just like you disregard people are alive,
When they aren’t your number one fan.

This is really harsh. It's good for free verse, but also very rude. I like it, just as long as it's not directed at me. LOL JK...
But anyways, keep up the good work.

Okay...the "Fuck You" part is a little lame. Not just a little, but it's really just an eye-roller. I don't know what's up with people lately and trying to put up this "badass" persona in their writing. I think there is a time and a place for it of course. The F-bomb sure does get attention but it's just...distracting and unnessesary.

If you read this poem, playing it in your head, you might realize that the last line really doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. The phrase is so overused that it really has lost its reaction. The only reaction I get from it is a disappointing one.

As for a free verse poem, it's okay. It has purpose and it offers something. Up to this point:

Get over it..
Disregard it.
Just like you disregard people are alive,
When they aren’t your number one fan.
Fuck you.

This really just ruined it for me. The "Get Over It" line really is just trying to demonstrate this tough image and is done in a less-than-creative way.

Now I'm not one to go around changing someone's work but poetry is dependent on the response of the reader, as is most writing.

It's a great concept. Needs some work I think as far as the words go, but the idea is good. I think it would be a lot better, for instance, if you dropped that last line.


As always,

POKE

PLEASE read the rating system available on the site. Your poem falls into the R, yet you failed to rate it at all. This is a Young Writers Society, and such things need to be taken into consideration.

Next time, please rate your work, so I don;t have to do it for you.

Firestarter-

Wow. I'm extremely sorry. I was in a huge rush to get to my next class and I forgot to rate it. It won't happen again!

Sorry again!

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Rosethorn-


I understand what you mean. The line is a bit...eh...I don't know, like bleedingheart4u_2008 said, rude. I wrote this poem when I was extremely angry and just trying to get the feelings out. I wasn't trying to be a bad ass, but I can see how you would think so. It was never really meant to be a poem, either. I don't know why I decided to make it one, but I did. Anyway, thanks for the critique. It's much appreciated.

Oh, and I think I might take the advice and take the last line off. Sounds like a good idea. It makes me feel a little ignorant having that phrase as the phrase I use to express myself.

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bleedingheart4u_2008-

Thanks, glad you liked it. Yeah, it is rude.
And I'm pretty sure it's not directed at you. Actually, I'm sure.

I hate to be harsh--but frankly, this is a rant with strategically placed linebreaks...not a poem. Yea, it's strong...strongly worded, strong references, something most of us can probably relate too--but all the same it is not really a poem. =/

Happy Editing.
Meg

Yeah. That's actually exactly what it is, but I was messing with it and just separated the lines of a rant I wrote. Someone liked it and said I should enter it. So, I tried it. I never thought it was my best. Thanks for the critique.