To a dear friend

Inside I know she’s bleeding
Her bubbliness is just an act
I wish I knew how to help her
How to save her life from death

I know she doesn’t have long left
“Just a couple more months”
That is what the doctor said
Please God, help my friend live

I know how much it upset us
To here this news from her
To learn that she doesn’t have long
And that I won’t be there for her

Please God help us through this time
So that we can be strong again
My dear friend I’ll miss you
I hope your last few months are magical

ilubdraco wrote:Inside I know she’s bleeding
Her bubbliness is just an act
I wish I knew how to help her
How to save her life from death (I like the alliteration of bubbling and bleeding!)

[s]I know[/s] she doesn’t have long left
“Just a [s]couple[/s] few more months”
[s]That[/s] this is what the doctor said
Please God, help my friend live (PUNCTUATION???)

I know how much it upset(S) us
To [s]here[/s] hear this news from her
To learn that she doesn’t have long- (you have repeated that she doesn't have long. can't you say something like, her time is nearly up?)
And that I won’t be there for her (PUNCTUATION???)

Please God help us through this time
So that we can be strong [s]again[/s]
My dear friend I’ll miss you
I hope your last few months are [s]swell[/s]

I don't think the word "swell" does the poem any favours..... maybe you should replace it with something like:
"I hope your last moments are magical."

Where is your imagery?
Punctuation?
You have a nice idea here and I think you should work with it
Haven't seen much work from you... are you new?
Welcome, if you are

Thanks I'll keep that in mind next time. I have posted only one other piece on here. All my other work is on fictionpress. I am not new but thanks.

ilubdraco--


When I got to the end of this piece and read, "...I hope your last few months are magical", the only thought that came to mind was, "Is she still going on about it?"

It seems like you fell in love with garnering pity for your friend's illness and sacrificed all sense to do it. This never gets out of your own navel--it is repetitious, boring and standard "Why God?" poetry. There are allusions to the conversations with God, but it appears the narrator is wearing His rejection as a pose, and the reader is left with a sense of indifference regarding this rejection.

You need to elevate your work above the level of junk.


Best,
Brad

Thanks Brad. You're right. I'll keep that in mind for next time.

Loz

Hmm..this is good but, it dosent seem to have the emotions involved that it requires? I think you could make this much more powerful with a bit more work

It's rather sad aye...but that's understandable. And I am of the opinion that railing against the unchangable is just silly. No offence to those that are devout believers but...personally, I doubt that God even cares so pleading to Him will do about as much good as swearing at a rock.
But aanyway, aside from that little point, it's an alright poem. Lacking imagery and only just a hint of what you're feeling, I think, but otherwise alright.

brad really rubs me up the wrong way!
No I think this piece is good, I understand exactly what you are trying to do here and I see you have edited it since.
If you want some help with ideas to add some imagery... let me know.
Lexy
xx