Reisen

Just a little something that I wrote in German class when we were doing poetry. The translation is at the bottom but you should try reading the German first even if you dont understand it...

so viel Gefühl
lachen, lächeln,
screien.
die Wolken schweben,
die Sonne scheint.
reisen.
die See hinüber,
die Luft herüber.
durch einem Wald,
entlang einem Weg.
vorbei Reisen.
ich erinnern mich
ich überlege
über alles.


................................................


translation:

so many emotions
laughing, smiling,
crying.
the clouds float
the sun shines
travelling
across the sea
across the sky
through a wood
along a lane
journey ended
i remember
i reflect
on everything

journey ended

After this line, the poem seemed to die. Like, all the things you had said about the emotions had been buried, so therefore, the:

i remember
i reflect
on everything

just seemed to be sitting there. Not necessarily fitting into the rest of the poem. Perhaps this was your objective, but don't get me wrong, this still, was a beautiful poem and I felt a small sense of relation to my own life in the beginning. However, it just dies after the journey line, for me personally.

I disagree with CAG77; I actually think those last lines added a sort of reminiscent part, which I'm guessing is what you meant to do. I really like this poem, because it's so simplistic yet poignant.

Definitely agree with Bobo. and even the German by itself is very beautiful.

It's really neat that you can write poetry in another language. How long have you been taking German?

The German part by itself sounds really different, yet familiar when i attempt to say it (i know maybe one word in german, and some pronunciation, one of me adoptive aunts lives in germany) and the rythem feels good.

The english translation I don't like as much, but something is lost in translation (yeah yeah, i know, but it's true!) I agree with Morgan about the last three lines, they seem akward, but is that part of the translation?

I think it's simplicity is what makes this so good.

Ich lerne Deutsch seit funf Jahren!

Hehe, I've been doing German for five years now... I'm doing A-level German and I'm in my first year!

The german part is supposed to be the poem; the only reason I put the English translation is so that people can understand roughly what its about...

Anyway thanks for the comments - it helps a lot to hear what people think!