“You’re not human, are you?” Her voice was calm, even. It only shared a hint of curiosity. I stared at her. I had no intention of answering her question. Nor did I care what the consequences might be.

“You brought me here. Now what do you want?” I struggled to keep my obvious annoyance limited. Though I’d have no trouble destroying this mortal, my gut told me to keep patient.

She raised one thin gracefully arched eyebrow and gave a nod. “Forgive me. I have yet to introduce myself. I am Ceri.”

“I don’t care who you are,” I answered rigidly. “What do you want?”

My tone did not concern her. If anything she found it amusing. “You did not allow me to finish.”

“Consider it a blessing I am even allowing you to live. What do you want?” I would not repeat myself again.

She calmly folded her hands across her lap, still smirking but her eyes were serious. “I’ve come to bargain for your freedom,” she said cooly.

“No,” I said roughly. “The word ‘bargain’ leads me to believe you expect something in return.”

“Yes,” She replied smoothly, “rather, my employer requires your services.”

“I’m not interested.”

“Not even on negotiable terms?”

“I work for no one.”

“News travels fast here. We’ve heard word of your skills for years now.”

I smirked. “That’s strange to hear since I’m careful to leave no survivors.”

Again, she raised an eyebrow. “Arrogant, aren't we?”

“Stubborn too,” I said, seriously. “I won’t be convinced.”

She nodded, leaning back in her chair. “They told me you’d be difficult. How can I help you change your mind?”

Bored, I sighed. “Look lady, I’m retired.”

“You’re caged,” she said, smiling. She leaned closer to the glass and spoke quietly. “I was given very specific instructions and those instructions were not to leave this city without you.”

I nodded, amused. “Ah, well, please give my apologies to your boss for the disappointment.” Done with this woman, I gestured to a nearby officer.

“You understand, of course, that I will be back for you?"

I laughed. "Is that a threat?"

"Ridge, it's a promise."
_______________________________________________________________________
The beginning of something, not sure which direction to take. I'd like critique on what I have up so far though!

I like this a lot, actually. I thought it was very interesting, right from the first sentence, and it keeps the reader hooked throughout. You don't waste your time with needless description and get straight to the point. Not that description is bad, it's just that it's better to start with action in the beginning of a story, and establish some kind of conflict, so that the reader will want to continue to read.

“You’re not human…are you?” Her voice was calm; even.

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to use a semicolon there. I'd go with a comma instead.

It only shared a hint of curiosity.

This is good. It begins to show the attitude and tone of the woman who's talking.

My mind was blank. I stared at her with no given purpose. I had no intention of answering her question. Nor did I care what the consequences might be.

When you use the phrase "my mind was blank", it suggests, at least to me, that the character is dazed or confused, and is unable to think clearly at the moment. If that's the case, then great. But if it's not, I would just take out that sentence and add something else to show his defiance.

Also, the second sentence doesn't seem to fit so well. I would just say he stared at her. The "no given purpose" doesn't really help us understand anything about him, and to me is kind of pointless. But if you disagree feel free to keep it.

“You brought me here. Now what do you want?” I struggled to keep my obvious annoyance limited. Though I’d have no trouble destroying this mortal, my gut told me to keep patience.

I liked this. It immediately establishes that there is some kind of conflict going on between the two individuals. It also hints to the fact that this person has some kind of special powers or traits. I'm glad you didn't just go into describing exactly what he is and everything about him, because that would have been a little boring. Now that you've only hinted he's supernatural in some way, the reader will want to know more about it later, which drives them to read more of the story.

Awesome!

She raised one thin gracefully arched eyebrow and gave a nod. “Forgive me. I have yet to introduce myself. I am Ceri.”

This show that whoever she is she has pretty high confidence in herself in the face of this defiant supernatural guy. And it lets us know her name without you having to tell us. What I loved about this piece is that you were constantly showing, not telling. And that's a major problem for some people because they tell too much, and don't show enough.

“I don’t care who you are.” I answered rigidly. “What do you want?”

This guy seems a little annoyed.

My tone did not concern her. If anything she found it amusing. “You did not allow me to finish.”

This shows how the two people in this conversation are pretty evenly matched. One doesn't seem at all intimidated by the other, so it's sort of a struggle to see who gives in first. Even at the end there is no apparent winner, which might imply that these two might be enemies for a while.

“Consider it a blessing I am even allowing you to live. What do you want?” I would not repeat myself again.

This also relates to what I was just saying. It also shows that he might be in a position to hurt whoever he's talking to. Then it makes you wonder why the woman is being so confident is talking back to him, which you subtly explain later.

She calmly folded her hands across her lap, still smirking but her eyes were serious. “I’ve come to bargain for your freedom.” She said coolly.

Then this implies that he's trapped, which makes the reader realize why she is able to be so confident. Nice.

“No,” I said roughly. “The word “bargain” leads me to believe you expect something in return.”

This reveals more about his character, showing that he prefers not to comprise with people and make his own way.

But you can't have quotations marks within quotation marks. Write it like this:

"The word 'bargain' leads me to believe you expect something in return."

“Yes,” She replied smoothly, searching through her bags. “Rather, my employer requires your services.”

Now, she never pulls anything out of her bags throughout the scene, so why is she searching through them in the first place? If it's not relevant, I think you should take it out.

“I’m not interested.”

“Not even on negotiable terms?”

“I work for no one.”

Again this reveals more about the character who's trapped, and pushes the conflict further.

“News travels fast here. We’ve heard word of your skills for years now.”

This raises a lot of questions. Where are they? What news has traveled? What skills does he have? All these questions you're raising will make the reader come back again and again to read on in the story. And I know this is kind of weird, but if news travels fast, why have they waited years to seek this man? Just a question.

I smirked. “That’s strange to hear since I’m careful to leave no survivors.”

This guy's getting more sinister by the second. Cool.

I smirked. “That’s strange to hear since I’m careful to leave no survivors.”

This is good, there's not really anything that needs fixing.

“Stubborn too.” I said, seriously. “I won’t be convinced.”

Again, the conversation is like a battle. Every time one of them says something the other counters. You leave it very open to any kind of development in the next part of the story.

She nodded, leaning back in her chair. “They told me you’d be difficult. How can I help you change your mind?”

Did she not hear me say I would not be convinced?

The second part seems kind of awkward to me. We already know that she heard him say that, so maybe you could go with something along the lines of "I could not believe this woman" or something like that. I don't know if that helps much, but there's my advice.

“Look lady, I’m retired.”

Good, this is good.

"You’re caged.” She said, smiling. She leaned closer to the glass and spoke quietly. “I have a very powerful employer who left me very specific instructions and those instructions were not to leave this city without you.”

This shows that there are some powerful forces who want this guy to work for them. Your establishment of plot in this story is very good, and I can't wait to read more.

I nodded, amused. “Ah, well, please give my apologies to your employer for the disappointment.” Done with this woman, I gestured to a nearby officer.

“He will get what he wants, you understand?”

I laughed. A threat? “Piss off.”

On the last part, I would put "Piss off" on the next line. It would make it more profound.



Okay! This was a very good introduction to your story, and it was very well written.

The best thing about this, though, is that you reveal things slowly, which doesn't bog down the reader with too much info at once and also serves to make the story move along quickly while still establishing the situation and conflict. With me, I always establish the exact situation in the first paragraph, which might be why it's a little boring sometimes.

Also, I thought you're dialogue was very smooth and believable, and didn't seem rushed at all.

-Tony

I like the style of this piece. I like the short, quick and sometimes interrogative dialogue. Your dialogue really sets a tone for this - its some of the most effective I've read in a long time.

Your plot is intruiging as well. It's really action oriented - which can be a bad thing, but in this case it isn't. Sometimes a writer will leave out lots of descriptive words and they're left without much of a story left. You managed to pull that off, and for that, I congratulate you.

I think magicman touched on everything worth improving.

I am very impressed.

Thanks guys! Just finished editing what needed to be fixed.

I fought with myself to keep minimal description. Apparently it turned out well because of this. I usually spend some time with description so that the text seemingly passes some time between scenes. But since this scene keeps both characters in their chairs the whole time, it wasn't too difficult to do without description.

Thanks for your time! The critiques really helped me out a lot!


As always,

POKE

From the first, I was hooked to this little story. I was just glancing over different stuff, not really planning on reading everything through, and this grabbed my curiosity. Really interesting, lots of plot hinted at. I noticed you seem to put periods at places like "blahblah." he said. "blah blah", instead of "blahblah," he said, "blah blah." It's stylistic, but I think it mgiht be better if you use the conventional comma when interjecting narrative prose within dialogue. Nonetheless, I like it very much, and hope you update soon!

All right, I'll try to get around the major points while looking at some minor.

“You’re not human…are you?”

I don't think that ellipses is necessary in that case. I would just go with a comma.

bargain for your freedom.” She said coolly.

This kind of typo happens a few times. Make sure you fix that.

I have a very powerful employer who left me very specific instructions and those instructions were not to leave this city without you.”

You've already mentioned an employer before, and in the context you used it, the reader can already assume that the employer is powerful. I would remove this second instance. It feels redundant.


Okay, now to the major:

The whole piece does well to avoid weighed down description, but I have no idea as to what your setting might be. I understand that you might want to keep the fact that he is incarcerated a secret until near the end, but otherwise I can't form an image about where they are once that takes place.

You use a lot of adverbs in your dialogue. That can be cut down a bit.

“He will get what he wants, you understand?”

I laughed. A threat?

Perhaps it was just me, but I was confused at first as to what was happening here. I thought the woman was talking to the guard about the narrator, but then I discovered you meant the employer gets what he wants. I don't know, maybe try to fix that up so it's not so confusing.

And lastly, are you sure you want to use first-person narrative here? It's very difficult to pull off properly, especially when the character is as cocky and arrogant as yours. Personally, I believe third person would work better.

I hope this helps rose! If you post more, be sure to tell me, or I might just spot it.

Trident

I happened to notice that eveyone who has commented on this little piece thus far has been "male". So, with that fact in mind, I'd like to pose a question. I narrorate this story from a guy's perspective. Is it working? What I mean to say is, does the character seem...guy-ish enough?

Your responses are appreciated.

Though I’d have no trouble destroying this mortal, my gut told me to keep patience.

I'm sure you meant:

Though I’d have no trouble destroying this mortal, my gut told me to keep patient.

“I’ve come to bargain for your freedom,” She said coolly.

Try:

“I’ve come to bargain for your freedom,” she said coolly.

(It's still the same sentence). Also, "coolly" is spelled "cooly."

“Yes,” She replied smoothly, “Rather, my employer requires your services.”

See above. The "Rather" should be "rather."

“Arrogant, are we?”

When talking, it 'kinda sounds better to say:
“Arrogant, aren't we?”
I don't know why. It just sound better-ish.

“You’re caged,” She said, smiling.

Ditto.

“He will get what he wants, you understand?” She hissed at me, alarmed by my dismissal.

I laughed. A threat?

“Piss off.”

Sorry, I lost you there. (Slaps would-be pro/antagonist in the face for being rude)

Rosethorn, I really like the new ending. And the piece is a lot more better now that you've edited it.

I hope you post more of it soon!

-Tony

rosethorn wrote:I happened to notice that eveyone who has commented on this little piece thus far has been "male". So, with that fact in mind, I'd like to pose a question. I narrorate this story from a guy's perspective. Is it working? What I mean to say is, does the character seem...guy-ish enough?

Your responses are appreciated.

I think so. He seems realistic to me, anyways. Is he guy-ish enough? Well, not all guys are all that guy-ish in the first place (I'm not), so you don't really need to worry about that. You should really only be concerned about whether or not he seems real. But technically you don't need to, because he does seem real.

Thanks everybody! I'm really pleased with what I have so far! Every one of you guy was a great help to this project of mine.

The second section is now up. I've posted it seperately.

As always,

POKE

Her voice was calm, even.

I was surprised to find something I didn't like so soon the way you have even just hanging there sort of made me feel weird. lol. Even and calm are the same thing so...why say "even"? And the fact that it was just THERE right after the comma. I don't know. I didn't like it. But, I think this one is opinion.

It only shared a hint of curiosity.

Shared doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe 'showed'? I don't know. 'had' even could work. Again this is just me...

I had no intention of answering her question. Nor did I care what the consequences might be.

I think you could change the period to a comma. The nor sort of implies its all one sentence.

She raised one thin gracefully arched eyebrow and gave a nod.

"thin, gracefully arched eyebrow" It's commas between adjectives. I spent the powerless day reading my grammar book so I know this one well out of curiosity, why did she nod?

This beginning is really confusing me. How have these two met? I just got really lost....this might be just me though. I get lost a lot.

She nodded, leaning back in her chair.

*gasps* SHE WAS IN A CHAIR!? You should have mentioned this earlier Throughout all the dialog I am left guessing about where these people are, what they are doing, and what they are 'acting' like. You should drop some action in between. "she leaned over in her chair" "I felt uncomfortable in the room" anything, just so I can visualize where they are. Otherwise they are in a black room sitting really close to each other, practically face to face. Thats how I saw them. If you don't tell your reader what they should be imagining they will make it up for themselves, and may not always be right. and like with this, when they get proven wrong it will surprise them...

This is really all I can do. I was lost through most of it. It's very abstract, all dialog. What do they look like? Who is our main character? And he keeps telling us things. I really hated the "bored, I sighed." sentence, but I tried hard not to pull apart your fragments. Why is he bored? What would he rather be doing? Anything. It felt sort of empty.

I'm not sure I can say that I liked this, or that I didn't It was too short and, as I said, sort of empty. Stripped of its story elements. There isn't much plot yet as far as I can see. But its nice. Hope I helped!

EDITED: I put the story in third person and I'd like to know if it sounds better this way or not. Jan. 5th, 2007


“You’re not human, are you?” Her voice was even, coated and creamy with a lilt of an accent and only revealing a hint of curiosity, not fear. He stared at her, unyielding, having no intention of answering her question. Nor did he care what the consequences might be.

“You brought me here. Now what do you want?” He struggled to keep his obvious annoyance limited. Though he’d have no trouble destroying this mortal, his gut reminded him he was being watched.

She raised one thin gracefully arched eyebrow and gave a nod. “Forgive me. I have yet to introduce myself. I am Ceri.”

“I don’t care who you are,” He answered rigidly. “What do you want?”

His tone did not concern her. If anything she found it amusing. “You did not allow me to finish.”

“Consider it a blessing I am even allowing you to live. What do you want?” He would not repeat himself again.

She calmly folded her hands across her lap, still smirking but her eyes were serious. “I’ve come to bargain for your freedom,” she said coolly.

“No,” he said roughly. “The word ‘bargain’ leads me to believe you expect something in return.”

“Yes,” She replied smoothly, “rather, my employer requires your services.”

“I’m not interested.”

“Not even on negotiable terms?”

“I work for no one.”

“News travels fast here. You’re infamous for your crimes.”

He smirked. “That’s strange to hear since I’m careful to leave no survivors.”

Again, she raised an eyebrow. “Arrogant, aren't we?”

“Stubborn too,” He said, seriously. “I won’t be convinced.”

She nodded, leaning back in her chair. “They told me you’d be difficult. How can I help you change your mind?”

Bored, he sighed. “Look lady, I’m retired.”

“You’re caged,” she said, smiling. She leaned closer to the glass and spoke quietly. “I was given very specific instructions and those instructions were not to leave this city without you.”

He nodded, amused. “Ah, well, please give my apologies to your boss for the disappointment.” Done with this woman, I gestured to a nearby officer.

“You understand, of course, that I will be back for you?"

He laughed. "Is that a threat?"

"Ridge, it's a promise."