re-working this peice

Taken down due to re-working

I like it. Is it part of anything longer?

On to the crit....

If you ever do that again, I wont come for you

Should be won't. You get it right on the repeat though

She felt the coldness of his shadow fall and creep over her entire body and settle across her porcelain doll face

and creep over her entire body and settle across her porcelain face?

The second 'and' seems unnecessary. Try changing the 'settle' to 'settling', deleting the 'and' and putting a comma after body, thus:

She felt the coldness of his shadow fall and creep over her entire body, settling across her porcelain doll face

Next point:

Her eyes couldn’t focus on him at all; she bought a sleeve up to her face, pulled it across, scarring her...

Try a full colon or a full stop after all. IMO it makes the flow better.

she bought a sleeve up to her face, pulled it across

bought should be brought. Bought is the past tense of 'buy', brought is the past tense of 'bring'.

she lifted her head unveiling a smile as she did so

Try putting a comma after 'head'.

He was blind to what she really was: he would never see her real self

Should be a capital after the colon.


Other than the above, I really liked it. It's kind of mysterious, and l think the ideas are good, but they might be better with more development. Could you make it longer?


I'm sorry if the tone of this is a little arrogant. I'm tired right now, but I hope this helps.

Chuff, you didn't sound arrogant at all, so don't apologize. It was posted here so she could get a critique.

For me, this story was really an exercise in bad cliched writing.

His emerald green eyes darted across the orange horizon as the sea gently lapped up against the sides of the dark wooden dock.

Way too many adjectives. They distract the reader and bring them away from the story. You give three descriptions here and I have to incorporate them each separately, which within the span of one sentence is too much.

The storyline here is seriously lacking. Your characters seem quite shallow and although you may be trying for us to pity them, they come across as annoying.

The sea. It’s the thing that keeps us all connected…but when you really think about it, it also separates us from the rest of the world”

That's probably the lamest attempt at depth I've ever encountered. Ditch it.

He felt a tear run down his cheek as she dissolved into the sunset, her body seeping into a million stars.

What? This makes little sense.

This piece is to short to elicit much of anything. And you may think, "well it's two paragraphs!", but if you cut everything that should be cut out, you could possibly make everything two sentences. Sorry, this is really not doing it for me.

Those two crits kinda cover it all. There's very little substance and even as a snapshot its not really good as it is, as trident said, very cliche. Ask yourself, if you were to squash a story into two small paragraphs is that what you would end up with? Is this the best representation your story has? Dont treat as less important just because its short. It's length in this case is against you, in the sense that mistakes/imperfections are more immediately obvious.

You know, I think you have a great start.

There were a few errors in there, but I think mostly everyone else has pointed them out to you.

I like the story so far, though.

I hope you post a second chapter.

I want to read it!