Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 11)

(hahaha that's the spirit xD)

Ky shrugged, not looking back at him. Her head was definitely still fucked up. Her worry and frustration about Tomhas were taking the entirety of her emotional capacity; there was no room left for Petrir to make her feel terrible on top of it all. And yet. Here they were. "It was interesting."

"I'm sorry, still." He was flushing. "I keep trying to distract you from all the shitty stuff going on but I keep stumbling back into bad things. I'm sorry I'm not so good at this..."

"You're fine at it," she murmured quietly, glancing at him quickly before looking away again. "You're making a noble effort. You just picked something that's not possible to accomplish -- set yourself up for failure there."

"We did sort of okay for a little though, right?" He winced. "I'm sorry, Ky."

"It's not your fault." She was silent for a moment, then sighed heavily, rubbing her face. "I'm just so tired."

He nodded hesitantly. "I figured. I've been there. Not in...not in the same way, I don't think. But I know what you're going through."

Ky glanced at him, then rubbed her face again and sighed. No, he didn't. He hadn't killed his father. Hadn't almost killed another father. What did he have to feel guilty about? Nothing. "... I don't think you do... but I... appreciate the sympathy. I know you're trying very hard to help and I appreciate that."

"I know about not ever wanting to get out of bed," he said quietly. "I know about being tired all the time because you're tired of being. I know about thinking you're just a bother."

Ky glanced at him, relaxing ever so slightly. She was being an asshole. Again. "...Sorry."

He shook his head. "I'm just saying you're not the only one. Gaius and Tomhas have been through the same thing. Lots of people here have. So...I guess what I'm trying to say is we're here to help. We've been there."

Ky nodded slowly. “…and what changed your mind?”

He thought for a moment. "I still have days like that sometimes. But Tomhas changed my mind, for awhile. Then it was tough again, really tough, but then Captain Bay got me up and started having me go on runs every day, or riding my horse, and Gaius made sure I kept my mind occupied and that helped. He and Sara and Sera talked things over with me, or just distracted me if I needed. And that helped. Having someone to weather it with is about the best help I could have hoped for."

Ky nodded. So, exactly what Emery was attempting to do.

She should probably let him, at this rate. She’d be wildly unhappy if Bay was forcing her to run. Emery and his stupid jogging was bad enough. And he wasn’t even scary.

"Something I know for sure, though, is that it's always worst early. The older you get, the more things sort of fade. They're easier to overlook, I guess. It seems impossible--seemed completely impossible for me when I was just coming here, especially on the journey. Gods, that was the worst trip of my life. Well, second worst. But I was positive I wouldn't make it six months. I couldn't imagine living with what I'd experienced, what I'd done. But I made it, Ky."

Ky pulled her jacket closer around her. “…I don’t want to.”