The forgotten

Re made by old story before i made it i decided on the charecters and the story line so hopefully its better than the first one




The Forgotten
Jonathan Witts

Prologue
In the 21st century an untold magic was discovered , it consumed everything and everyone in its path. There we're few survivors but they were banished by a Geis , trapped inside another dimension they couldn't do anything to escape . The last words spoken by the last woman were ones nobody could comprehend , magic she spoke a pure spell to cast unto the world a saviour that would wipe out this new threat and breath new life into the earth .


Chapter 1
The Saviour

Four years had passed since the ancient spell was muttered and changes had come , men and women prepared with weapons poured out of buildings ambushing the force . It was soon discovered it was not enough the men and women slaughtered by the demonic strangers.

“Get ready world here comes your saviour” shouted Vancha at the top of his voice. Vancha was the saviour that the spell was cast for he could end this slaughter . Vancha was a tall muscular man red curly hair flecked with blood . He wore a pair of ripped black trousers and had a belt going across his chest holding two assault rifles at his back.

Vancha leapt from the building relentlessly slicing two demons limb from limb , shooting two others through the head. The demons fell back and as they did they turned to ash scattered on the floor , Vancha yelled a challenge to the other demons but they just stood and hissed . The spell cast by his mother contained love and no evil being could fight through that barrier. Vancha pulled out his guns ramming his sword into his huge sheath , he fired two whole clips into the demons and waited till nothing was left standing .

Vancha walked over to a petrified little girl he said softly to her “ little girl what is your name” , she shook with fear and squeaked “ ...Melissa” . Vancha nodded and signalled for her to follow him ,
as they did Vancha noted the huge group of demons following them. About 2 miles down an old dust track riddled with rats Vancha whispered to Melissa “there are demons following us so don't alert them or we are dead”. Vancha slid his hand down to his hard metal gun , the coldness of it made him shudder. With a quick whip he had dispatched the demons with ease but one remained.
The demon walked forward no hands or feet instead tree stumps , his head a dark shade of red cracked and bleeding . “So you think you are invincible... your not ... i killed your mother i watched her bleed” said the demon in the coldest darkest voice imaginable . Vancha dropped to the floor his heart aching the demon continued “ you may call me Lord Stratos and i know your weakness ... the very thought of your mothers gruesome death makes you hurt” at his final words he disappeared from sight leaving only a half dead warrior and a confused girl.

Chapter 2
Old friends

‘There we're few survivors’

- we’re is short for ‘we are’ - you’re after the word ‘were’.


‘Four years had passed since the ancient spell was muttered and changes had come , men and women prepared with weapons poured out of buildings ambushing the force’

- Wait, what? What force? You probably should say.


‘Vancha was a tall muscular man red curly hair flecked with blood , he had eyes like a cat seeing everything for miles.’

- That’s quite impressive for a four year old.


‘Vancha leapt from the building slicing two demons limb from limb , shooting two others through the head. The demons fell back and as they did they turned to ash scattered on the floor , Vancha yelled a challenge to the other demons but they just stood and hissed .’

- The action seems kindda dull. As in, ‘Vancha did this, and then this.’ Try spicing it up - for example, describe how he swings he weapon, how it rips through his enemies, describe what he’s feeling, what the creatures look like, how the demons react etc. Try to imagine the scene in your mind, and then write down the details as you see them.


Your punctuation in this on has improved from the last version, although there are still some problems with it. The story also sounds interesting.


Keep on writing .

thanks for the critique as this is only the first chapter there is an explanation for the age which ive had planned since the first idea so never fear . And ill spice the action im going to my grans now so cya l8er

Okay, pivot, I'm going to say this is markedly improved from your last piece, whcih really made no sense. I actually see a story this time, so I applaud you for that.

There a few things you need to work on. One being your mechanics. You said earlier that Snoink gave you a link that told you when to use commas. Look it over again. Also, you need to learn when to start a new sentence. Some of the sentences you have here should have been two or three instead of one.

Vancha's physical features should not all be explained in one clump like that. Maybe mention that his bicep flexes while he's doing one thing (indicating he's muscular) and his two rifles clanged against his back as he ran. Don'r just dump all of that stuff on us at once, it makes it boring. But if you do it gradually, then you are developing your character, which is exactly what you want to do.

You need more action here and by that I don't mean cheesy Rambo action. Although some people may like that in action movies, it comes off as really awful in literature. He shouldn't be a bad-ass that kills everything, he should have a weakness that his enemies can exploit so it looks as though he could actually at one point lose to them. Of course he can win in the end.

And you need to give us more information as to what is going on. This chapter is much too short. But don't just say what is going on, show us. Have the characters talk to each other about what is going on.

I hope you can change some of these things, because your premise is not bad. You just to work on how you're going to execute it.

Kk thanks for the help one thing i can say is the chapter isnt finished yet

This is a pretty good story. Let me just show you a few errors:

"Four years had passed since the ancient spell was muttered and changes had come , men and women prepared with weapons poured out of buildings ambushing the force . It was soon discovered it was not enough the men and women slaughtered by the demonic strangers.

“Get ready world! Here comes your saviour!” shouted Vancha at the top of his voice. Vancha was the saviour that the spell was cast, for he could end this slaughter . Vancha was a tall muscular man withred curly hair flecked with blood . He wore a pair of ripped black trousers and had a belt going across his chest holding two assault rifles at his back.

Vancha leapt from the building relentlessly slicing two demons limb from limb , shooting two others through the head. The demons fell back and as they did ,they turned to ash scattered on the floor , Vancha yelled a challenge to the other demons but they just stood and hissed . The spell cast by his mother contained love and thereforeno evil being could fight through that barriermade by that protection. Vancha pulled out his guns ,ramming his sword into his huge sheath , he fired two whole clips into the demons and waited till nothing was left standing .


(The first few sentences: Why is the girl there?)
Vancha walked over to a petrified little girl he said softly to her “ little girl what is your name?” , She shook with fear and squeaked “ ...Melissa” . Vancha nodded and signalled for her to follow him ,
as they did Vancha noted the huge group of demons following them. About 2 miles down an old dust track riddled with rats Vancha whispered to Melissa “there are demons following us so don't alert them or we are dead”. Vancha slid his hand down to his hard metal gun , the coldness of it made him shudder. With a quick whip he had dispatched the demons with ease but one remained.
The demon walked forward no hands or feet instead tree stumps , his head a dark shade of red cracked and bleeding . “So you think you are invincible... you're not ... i killed your mother i watched her bleed” said the demon in the coldest darkest voice imaginable . Vancha dropped to the floor his heart aching the demon continued “ you may call me Lord Stratos and I know your weakness ... the very thought of your mother's gruesome death makes you hurt.” At his final words, he disappeared from sight leaving only a half dead warrior and a confused girl."


-Simple mistakes like these can make a story very confusing!!!

It was soon discovered it was not enough the men and women slaughtered by the demonic strangers.

Sort of confusing. Try:
It was soon discovered that there were not enough men and women slaughtered by the demonic strangers.

At least, that's what I think you meant.

“Get ready world here comes your saviour” shouted Vancha at the top of his voice.

Nothing like an arrogant protagonist. Wait, he is the protagonist, right? Also, try:
“Get ready world, here comes your saviour!” shouted Vancha at the top of his lungs.

Vancha was a tall muscular man red curly hair flecked with blood .

I think you meant soemthing like:
Vancha was a tall muscular man with red curly hair flecked with blood .

Vancha walked over to a petrified little girl he said softly to her “ little girl what is your name” , she shook with fear and squeaked “ ...Melissa” . Vancha nodded and signalled for her to follow him ,
as they did Vancha noted the huge group of demons following them. About 2 miles down an old dust track riddled with rats Vancha whispered to Melissa “there are demons following us so don't alert them or we are dead”. Vancha slid his hand down to his hard metal gun , the coldness of it made him shudder. With a quick whip he had dispatched the demons with ease but one remained.
The demon walked forward no hands or feet instead tree stumps , his head a dark shade of red cracked and bleeding . “So you think you are invincible... your not ... i killed your mother i watched her bleed” said the demon in the coldest darkest voice imaginable . Vancha dropped to the floor his heart aching the demon continued “ you may call me Lord Stratos and i know your weakness ... the very thought of your mothers gruesome death makes you hurt” at his final words he disappeared from sight leaving only a half dead warrior and a confused girl.

Quite a bit of capitalization errors in there. Try to check on that.